I'm tired, really tired, need help to break free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
I'm tired, really tired, need help to break free
2
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 11:45pm

Had a very manipulative H, now AP is one.  I did it all over again by falling for another manipulative, pathological liar.  He claims he loves me, cares about me, but his little lies are killing me.  I'm done really done, but how do I break free? how do I tell him I'm done with him.

My story: I was married to a pathological liar and manipulating man for over a decade, have 3 children under 10.  currently separated from H and D is coming up soon.

Been with AP for over a yr and a half, work with him, very close.  He is very charming, calm person.  But he has been lying to me about everything, his age, where he lives, his upbringing, what kind of car he drives. But yet, when we are together its like match made in heaven. He is very affectionate, shows he care, very attentive. We always go to places of my choice, always on time, always gives me 110% attention when we are together. He only says good things about me, all the time.  He says how much he cares and how much he is in love with me, yet not leaving his W.  I never asked him to leave his W.  I have come to acceptance that this is a dead end road.

Now day in and day out I catch him lie more is to where he is going, why he is not calling/texting.  Why didn't he come to work, why he left work early.  The little lies wont even matter. But yet, he lies about.  If he had had just told me the truth, it wouldn't have mattered, but he lies.

I'm very consumed by him as you can tell, I can't help it, he is every woman's dream guy (that's how he carries himself). He doesn't fight, never too loud, always, ALWAYS makes me believe I'm wrong, but in a very smooth way.  He is very soft toned so there is no way I can either raise my voice or repeat, he puts me out "honey no need to argue, we have already talked about this"

I have a gut feeling that he is not only sleeping with me, there are others, I don't know why I'm feeling that way. 

 I know I will be devastated if we break up because he is the only one I got. He has been there with me through my separation process with my H (no he is not the reason I'm getting a D).  We work together, we were good friends years before he became my AP.

I need to be strong and either confront him or just call it quits.  How do I even call it quits........ I'm dying inside..... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 11:57pm

" He doesn't fight, never too loud, always, ALWAYS makes me believe I'm wrong, but in a very smooth way.  He is very soft toned so there is no way I can either raise my voice or repeat, he puts me out "honey no need to argue, we have already talked about this"

Wow!  This would drive me completely insane!!!  No wonder you are very worn out and tired of it.  It must be like trying to have a conversation with a brick wall.  I mean, just because you have talked about something doesn't mean you have come to a resolution.  And I know just the type of person you are describing.  You can come up with the most amazing, solid arguments and you still can't get through, because he has already made up his mind.

It's interesting to read how split your feelings about him are.  You seem to see his flaws pretty clearly, as well as his good points.  I think when we are going through a huge life change, like a D,  we want somebody to cling to so we don't have to feel alone.  It's so scary to not have an emotional rock for you.  But...I think you need to learn to be alone.  I think that in order to heal from the scars of your M, you need to go through the pain of having no man there at all waiting in the wings.  

I hope you get some rest soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 12:51pm

He's become everything he thinks you want & need. He says and does all the pretty things that will keep you coming back for more and guess what...it works like a charm. The lying you already know is part of his character and in knowing all this you still want him because you like the allure & excitement of him. You don't love the real him, what you love is a facade and he will continue to be that for you, for as long as you allow it. He's addicting like that heroin that you just can't leave alone and you want more & more. We always chase for that 1st high...

He may very well be seeing more than just you and even if you asked...you can't trust that he'll tell you the truth. I'd go with my gut and start taking steps in distancing myself from him little by little. I don't think your ready to go cold turkey so just do little set goals and hopefully that helps.

I wish you all the best Oj605.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<