I'm torn...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
I'm torn...
42
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:43am
I've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old and another child on the way. I know I will appear to be the villian in what I describe and I understand that. But in the last 6 weeks I have fallen for an online friend I've known for 3 years. She is an honest, caring person and neither of us intended for this to happen. My marriage isn't a violent or even a terribly angry one, but I haven't been happy for years. My wife has been nonresponsive and detached for a long time and unfortunately we never did anything to resolve this. My dilemma now is the other woman and I are in love (believe me, I'm not an impetuous person who just falls in love) and want to be together. I've told my wife about the affair (I don't even like calling it that) and while she was devastated, she wants to try to make it work. I still love my wife, but not in the way I need to. Part of me wants to give her what I feel she deserves and that is an honest effort. And on top of that, I love my son with all my heart and have difficulty imagining living without him everyday. On the other side, I see in this other person the potential for the kind of long-lasting, fulfilling relationship I feel I deserve. I know some of you may say I should give my marriage a chance and if it is meant to be with the other woman, it will be. But I don't believe in meant to be. And I guess I don't want to stay in my marriage out of fear and guilt, which is what I think I would be doing. And I'm also scared I may resent my wife for causing me to miss out on the opportunity to be with the other person. I know I sound completely selfish but I'm seriously on the verge of leaving my wife. The other woman and I can't be together full time right now (although she's not married, she does live some distance away). I would really like to just try separating with my wife but she isn't willing to do this. It is all or nothing for her and I guess that is her right. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:54am
wow, a mm that wants more than sex on the side! your in a tough situation, but i think i would give it more than six weeks of online time, before you pack your bags. my 1st A started online, and lasted 4 years. at the end he wasnt all i thought he was, and i sure did want him to be. i just knew we were soulmates, and i loved him. good luck, keep us informed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:11pm
Your decision on leaving your M shouldn't have be based on your feelings for another woman, but on your feelings for your W. If you love her enough, stay. If you don't, leave. Its simple. You'll see your son. But you're not doing your W any favours by staying when you don't love her. She could also be trying to find a better relationship if its not with you.

Believe me, BTDT. I'm on H #2 now, am having an A also, but I love my H very much. However he is an alcoholic and cannot perform sexually most of the time so for that, I have to have another person in my life. That's no excuse, but I feel I am justified in what I am doing for now anyways. JMHO.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:15pm
It's true daizey, I'm genuinely in love with this person. I should mention that I have met her once. I drove 5 hours to spend 5 hours with her and then drove 5 hours back. It was the single greatest experience of my life. It not only validated all my feelings for her, but also reassured me that we are not only emotionally and intellectually compatible, but also sexually. I know 6 weeks isn't very much time, but I honestly am not the type to just fall in love. I believe in this. Of course I don't like to think of myself as a bad person and I feel incredibly guilty at the prospect of leaving my pregnant wife behind along with my son. In fact, the thought of not seeing my son everyday is almost overriding my gut instinct which tells me I should leave. I haven't had a miserable marriage, just an unfulfilling one. And I also feel I should be responsible and give my wife what she deserves, which is the opportunity to go to counseling. However, I think the main problem between myself and my wife (she is a distant person who doesn't want or need to really communicate the way I do) is not going to go away. And if I let this other person walk away, I really fear I will consider the greatest mistake of my life. I realize there is a possibility I may eventually consider leaving my marriage that as well though. God I'm exhausted. And if I had more time to decide, I would take it, but my wife has given me a couple of days to decide if I want to let this other person go completely to work on our marriage or get out of the house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:25pm
it sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind. ive been sitting here trying to put myself in your situation as best i can, and all i can say is follow your heart. :) looking back i know that staying married for the kids doesnt always do them any favors. if this ow is meant to be the love of your life, then you are lucky to have found it.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:42pm
God you sound like my MM. Scary.

He is not miserable, probably not even as "unfulfilled" as you are. He says he "tolerates" his marriage. Well he has been married 20 years, so it's maybe not the same situation, his kids are grown.

My point is, for me, fairly unbiased, because while I love him and want to be with him I am learning I'll survive either way and will go on to find happiness if I need to...... I think it's sad that he is willing to "tolerate" his marriage. Life with a man or woman you love should be so much more than that. SO much more. This should be someone you can communicate with, laugh with, cry with, and they don't do any of that. Sucks to be him, and it's his perogative if he wants to chose that over happiness.

I think he's my soulmate, I know he IS *the* one, but I will move on if I need to because I am not gonig to be the other woman forever. I know we could be SO happy, and I will feel sorry for him if he isn't brave enough to give me a chance, and I will tell him that!!!

It sounds to me as if you have made up your mind already, and you are just looking for someone to say it's okay.

Sometimes, we do things because it's what we did the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that, not because it's what we really want.

Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 1:34pm

I left my 1st husband for someone I knew to be my soulmate. I'd known him for just a short period of time (two months) and there was no sex involved until after I'd left the H...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 1:50pm
oh my gosh...I am in the SAME situation..except for I am not married and my exboyfriend is! And he is in a marriage he is not happy with and he wants to be with me but is also torn. So this is what I say to him and this is what i say to you! If you are not happy with your wife...LEAVE. Life is too short to not be happy. It isnt fair to your wife nor you to be in a marriage that isnt really working out. And maybe it is a bit selfish but you know what...who cares! Your wife already knows and now it seems the ball is in your court. YOu love this other woman...go for it. Time will heal your wife and your kids...and as long as you let your kids know how much you love them...they'll be okay. Do what is in your heart..you dont need people advice! Most people will tell you to stay with your wife and kids...but not me...i say follow your heart...it never lies!

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 4:41pm
Can anyone else give me any insight here? As of now I'm leaning towards leaving. I don't want to desert my wife when she needs me, but I also know I cannot and will not desert the other woman. She means too much to me and she does need me also. My wife has insisted I must choose and choose now and if I'm not willing to commit 100% I have to go. Not only that, but she says she wants to divorce immediately (we will have to go through counseling due to the children). I just feel a lot of pressure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 5:28pm
I've been in your shoes. (Still am).

I'm currently in a 7 year A that started out online. We met in person after a few months, only for a few hours (geographically we are relatively far apart). By the time we met I had already fallen in love with him, and vice versa, so it was the most incredible experience of my life. I still, to this day, will never forget those few hours.

Since then I've been through a lot with him in terms of emotions, and I learned one thing -- and it's a very important thing -- you can fall in love with someone you meet online, but... and this is the important part... you are falling in love with someone you have created, at least partially, in your own mind.

For a long time I argued strongly against that, because (as you are thinking right now), I KNEW this man better than I'd ever known anyone. And, in a way, that is true. But what you know about her, and the environment you've come to know her in, is a whole lot different than how you would know her if you had a 'traditional', in-person getting-acquainted period. She may be the greatest person in the world, and I don't doubt that she is a good person, because you know that about her. But you don't truly *know* her yet. Not in the way that you need to know her, in order to make the decision about whether or not you can have a lifelong, loving, mutually fulfilling relationship together.

Obviously I've worked through some of these issues or I would not still be with MM, in a good relationship (although in our case, neither of us are willing to divorce to be together). I don't want to post my full story here, but please feel free to email me if you want to talk further.

Based on my experience, I honestly believe that if you leave your wife now, and go forward full force with your online person, you will be sorry. Even if she is "the" one, and your best decision is to divorce your wife, you do not sound like you are ready to make this decision yet. Your wife gave you an ultimatum, perhaps hoping it would force your hand in recommitting to the marriage, but it's not that simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 6:14pm

Hi omahamm and welcome,


I have yet to read any replies... I just wanted to pose something to you before I'm sidetracked in any way.


I'm also scared I may resent my wife for causing me to miss out on the opportunity to be with the other person. Have you thought that you may resent this other woman for breaking up your marriage and family should all not go to plan??


It's a big reason that I will never leave my marriage for anyone but me... what if things don't work out? and I don't want to put a damper on things... but statistics are quite low in this area... mainly because the person leaving does not attempt to find and resolve the problems within the relationship... therefore taking them to the next.


From a personal standpoint... I would not leave until you have given it you all... knowing then, if and when you walk... you will have done all that you can.


These are but a few words... and in the end... only you can make the choice.


good luck and let us know how things do go.


luv and hugs

Sweet
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"Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly"

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