I'm torn...
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I'm torn...
| Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:43am |
I've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old and another child on the way. I know I will appear to be the villian in what I describe and I understand that. But in the last 6 weeks I have fallen for an online friend I've known for 3 years. She is an honest, caring person and neither of us intended for this to happen. My marriage isn't a violent or even a terribly angry one, but I haven't been happy for years. My wife has been nonresponsive and detached for a long time and unfortunately we never did anything to resolve this. My dilemma now is the other woman and I are in love (believe me, I'm not an impetuous person who just falls in love) and want to be together. I've told my wife about the affair (I don't even like calling it that) and while she was devastated, she wants to try to make it work. I still love my wife, but not in the way I need to. Part of me wants to give her what I feel she deserves and that is an honest effort. And on top of that, I love my son with all my heart and have difficulty imagining living without him everyday. On the other side, I see in this other person the potential for the kind of long-lasting, fulfilling relationship I feel I deserve. I know some of you may say I should give my marriage a chance and if it is meant to be with the other woman, it will be. But I don't believe in meant to be. And I guess I don't want to stay in my marriage out of fear and guilt, which is what I think I would be doing. And I'm also scared I may resent my wife for causing me to miss out on the opportunity to be with the other person. I know I sound completely selfish but I'm seriously on the verge of leaving my wife. The other woman and I can't be together full time right now (although she's not married, she does live some distance away). I would really like to just try separating with my wife but she isn't willing to do this. It is all or nothing for her and I guess that is her right. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

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Believe me, BTDT. I'm on H #2 now, am having an A also, but I love my H very much. However he is an alcoholic and cannot perform sexually most of the time so for that, I have to have another person in my life. That's no excuse, but I feel I am justified in what I am doing for now anyways. JMHO.
Dusty
He is not miserable, probably not even as "unfulfilled" as you are. He says he "tolerates" his marriage. Well he has been married 20 years, so it's maybe not the same situation, his kids are grown.
My point is, for me, fairly unbiased, because while I love him and want to be with him I am learning I'll survive either way and will go on to find happiness if I need to...... I think it's sad that he is willing to "tolerate" his marriage. Life with a man or woman you love should be so much more than that. SO much more. This should be someone you can communicate with, laugh with, cry with, and they don't do any of that. Sucks to be him, and it's his perogative if he wants to chose that over happiness.
I think he's my soulmate, I know he IS *the* one, but I will move on if I need to because I am not gonig to be the other woman forever. I know we could be SO happy, and I will feel sorry for him if he isn't brave enough to give me a chance, and I will tell him that!!!
It sounds to me as if you have made up your mind already, and you are just looking for someone to say it's okay.
Sometimes, we do things because it's what we did the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that, not because it's what we really want.
Jenny
I left my 1st husband for someone I knew to be my soulmate. I'd known him for just a short period of time (two months) and there was no sex involved until after I'd left the H...
good luck!
I'm currently in a 7 year A that started out online. We met in person after a few months, only for a few hours (geographically we are relatively far apart). By the time we met I had already fallen in love with him, and vice versa, so it was the most incredible experience of my life. I still, to this day, will never forget those few hours.
Since then I've been through a lot with him in terms of emotions, and I learned one thing -- and it's a very important thing -- you can fall in love with someone you meet online, but... and this is the important part... you are falling in love with someone you have created, at least partially, in your own mind.
For a long time I argued strongly against that, because (as you are thinking right now), I KNEW this man better than I'd ever known anyone. And, in a way, that is true. But what you know about her, and the environment you've come to know her in, is a whole lot different than how you would know her if you had a 'traditional', in-person getting-acquainted period. She may be the greatest person in the world, and I don't doubt that she is a good person, because you know that about her. But you don't truly *know* her yet. Not in the way that you need to know her, in order to make the decision about whether or not you can have a lifelong, loving, mutually fulfilling relationship together.
Obviously I've worked through some of these issues or I would not still be with MM, in a good relationship (although in our case, neither of us are willing to divorce to be together). I don't want to post my full story here, but please feel free to email me if you want to talk further.
Based on my experience, I honestly believe that if you leave your wife now, and go forward full force with your online person, you will be sorry. Even if she is "the" one, and your best decision is to divorce your wife, you do not sound like you are ready to make this decision yet. Your wife gave you an ultimatum, perhaps hoping it would force your hand in recommitting to the marriage, but it's not that simple.
Hi omahamm and welcome,
I have yet to read any replies... I just wanted to pose something to you before I'm sidetracked in any way.
I'm also scared I may resent my wife for causing me to miss out on the opportunity to be with the other person. Have you thought that you may resent this other woman for breaking up your marriage and family should all not go to plan??
It's a big reason that I will never leave my marriage for anyone but me... what if things don't work out? and I don't want to put a damper on things... but statistics are quite low in this area... mainly because the person leaving does not attempt to find and resolve the problems within the relationship... therefore taking them to the next.
From a personal standpoint... I would not leave until you have given it you all... knowing then, if and when you walk... you will have done all that you can.
These are but a few words... and in the end... only you can make the choice.
good luck and let us know how things do go.
luv and hugs
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My Affair Support
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"Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly"
"Happiness is like a butterfly, if pursued it is always out of our reach. However if we sit quietly, it comes and rests gently on our shoulder"
Sweet
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