I'm torn...
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I'm torn...
| Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:43am |
I've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old and another child on the way. I know I will appear to be the villian in what I describe and I understand that. But in the last 6 weeks I have fallen for an online friend I've known for 3 years. She is an honest, caring person and neither of us intended for this to happen. My marriage isn't a violent or even a terribly angry one, but I haven't been happy for years. My wife has been nonresponsive and detached for a long time and unfortunately we never did anything to resolve this. My dilemma now is the other woman and I are in love (believe me, I'm not an impetuous person who just falls in love) and want to be together. I've told my wife about the affair (I don't even like calling it that) and while she was devastated, she wants to try to make it work. I still love my wife, but not in the way I need to. Part of me wants to give her what I feel she deserves and that is an honest effort. And on top of that, I love my son with all my heart and have difficulty imagining living without him everyday. On the other side, I see in this other person the potential for the kind of long-lasting, fulfilling relationship I feel I deserve. I know some of you may say I should give my marriage a chance and if it is meant to be with the other woman, it will be. But I don't believe in meant to be. And I guess I don't want to stay in my marriage out of fear and guilt, which is what I think I would be doing. And I'm also scared I may resent my wife for causing me to miss out on the opportunity to be with the other person. I know I sound completely selfish but I'm seriously on the verge of leaving my wife. The other woman and I can't be together full time right now (although she's not married, she does live some distance away). I would really like to just try separating with my wife but she isn't willing to do this. It is all or nothing for her and I guess that is her right. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

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What more insight do you need?? You've gotten everything from "leave immediately and live your dream" to "don't desert your wife, you'll be sorry." I don't know what more you could really want, except maybe some green light that you're doing the right thing and everything will be fine. Nobody can give you that.
Frankly, no matter what you do, you're going to lose. You're either going to lose your family (your kids may not forgive you, as well), or you're going to lose this other woman.
Your responsibility is to your wife and children. If you leave them, you'll still have to be at least financially responsible for them. You will have to answer to them all for the rest of your life.
Your responsibility is to yourself. You need to be as full a man as you can be, and sometimes the decisions are painful. Frankly, the *easy* decision for you seems to be leaving you pregnant wife and your son behind. I'd be very disappointed in you if that's what you did, and the other woman would be a fool to accept such an unfeeling man into her life. It would be an easy, selfish thing for you to do.
Your responsibility is NOT to the other woman. She is a newcomer in the game. You need to resolve your marital issues before getting her any more involved than she already is. If she accepts you now, and if you feel like you're obligated to her because she's a wonderful person and she loves you, then you both are fools. Step back and see how short-sighted you're being. You don't abandon your pregnant wife to keep from hurting another woman's feelings. The other woman needs to have a heart and love you enough to let you care for your children. Again, if the marriage is dead, it's dead, but it's unfair to your wife and unfair to your children to decide that during a pregnancy. So it's unfair to you to stifle your love for the other woman? Welcome to fatherhood, welcome to marriage, and welcome to responsibility. It's not supposed to be easy.
Divorce is hard. Hard, hard, hard. The worst memories of my life involve watching my ex drive away with my children crying at the truck's windows and wanting me. It's not a clean break, and the high you'll get from being in your lover's arms will not last as long as your children's distrust of you, and the pangs of guilt you'll have. Then there's child support. And the lovely chance you'll have to see your kids once in a blue moon, with divided Christmases and children absent on Easter. It sucks, pal, and although I have no regrets about my divorce (now that it's been more than a decade), I can still tell you it is NOT an easy resolution to an unfulfilling marriage.
Nobody here has a crystal ball, and we can't tell you what the right answer is for *you*.
"I still love my wife, but not in the way I need to."
I hope that at some point, before it's too late, you'll recognize that those feelings of being 'in love' -- however wonderful -- eventually fade, and you're left with the kind of love that requires a heck of a lot more work to sustain. I still love my MM, but I can attest to the fact that even in an A (the same kind of A you have), the powerful emotions fade and you are faced with the question of how you're going to move relatively seamlessly to the phase where it becomes more work to stay loving and passionate and committed to each other. If you leave your W now, eventually you and your online friend will need to deal with the onset of this phase, I can guarantee it. So do you want to deal with it with your (pregnant) wife, and mother of your son, or do you want to leave the marriage so that you can later deal with it with your online friend? Those are your real choices.
Yeah, I can tell you from personal experience, that if you make the first choice (as I did), you will hurt so much that you will want to die, for the next however many weeks or months. But, that is the price you pay for putting your heart on the line for someone outside of your marriage commitment. And, I can also tell you from personal experience that I am not sorry, not for one second, that I stayed in this marriage, however hard it is sometimes. I don't delude myself anymore that marriage to *anyone* is anything less than a ton of work. Maybe MM and I are more compatible (and maybe we would have had less problems in our marriages than we're both having now if we had met earlier, and married each other) but that's not the point. The point is that we didn't marry each other, and we didn't commit to each other, and short of abuse in either marriage, there is no reason other than selfishness (my opinion) to shun that commitment now.
I understand you need time...
I cannot give you any advice with regard to your situation but I can tell you that the situation you are in is one that I am dealing with as the OW. My MM and I did break off the A when his W became pregnant, stayed apart for 7+ months and now - baby is here, a few months old and MM decided he wants to be in my life again because he can't live without me. Will he D? Probably not because he feels that obligation to his children all the while telling me that I am the woman he is in love with and wants to spend the rest of his life with and that although he loves his W he is not in love with her any longer - just as you have indicated in your post. How does all of this make me feel? Confused, hurt, angry and even betrayed on some level even though I am the OW. As the OW, it downright sucks. I won't put it all here because it is a novel just as my posts here have been - long, emotional and confusing (thus the name).
If you truly do love this other woman don't toy with her to keep her in your life. Make the break, either way. I only say this because of how I have come to feel and I never thought that my feelings for MM would become so convaluded that I would not know or trust in all the things I used to believe in between him and I.
Is there a right and wrong answer - no, merely choices that you will make which will become the life you decide to make it. I don't know what the right answer is - if that is stay with your wife and do what you can to make it work (MM said this and things have not gotten better, they have gotten worse) or if the answer is to follow where your heart is and get the D so that you can be with the OW. I wish, because of my own situation, I could say leave the W and be with the woman that you have fallen in love with but somehow it doesn't feel right to say that. It does feel right to say get the D if there is no way to reconcile your M, excluding any influence that the OW may have. If you are not happy then things need to change for you. Not for your W or for the OW. With that said, if the OW is what makes you happy then your choices have already brought the opportunity to you, it is just up to you to take it.
I feel like a fool, now - don't let that happen to you in either scenario. If your wife isn't willing to give you the time you are requesting, chances are she is simply going to punish you for the A and things will be put on you and you alone to change and be what she wants you to be. I have seen it happen too many times - all or nothing - and sometimes the gray area needs to exist to offer opportunity for soul searching. BUT if you do get the time, don't be with your wife or the OW, really figure out what it is that you are feeling for each of them. By continuing with one of them, your judgement will be clouded and the result will be tainted and could end up not being positive for you.
Again, sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, just my two cents worth.
Confused
(((((omaha)))))
What do you do if that happens? You handle it then. One thing at a time.
Put that effort into your marriage...
Hugs to you and good luck.
He always says 2 people will be hurt in this. The one he leaves behind and him. He keeps trying to figure out how to make that part untrue. i think it's impossible.
Good luck. You're right, there's really no "winning" but i hope wherever you end up you find happiness and fulfillment, and the satisfaction that you have made the "right" decision.
I'll be thinking about ya!
jenny
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