I'm torn...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
I'm torn...
42
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:43am
I've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old and another child on the way. I know I will appear to be the villian in what I describe and I understand that. But in the last 6 weeks I have fallen for an online friend I've known for 3 years. She is an honest, caring person and neither of us intended for this to happen. My marriage isn't a violent or even a terribly angry one, but I haven't been happy for years. My wife has been nonresponsive and detached for a long time and unfortunately we never did anything to resolve this. My dilemma now is the other woman and I are in love (believe me, I'm not an impetuous person who just falls in love) and want to be together. I've told my wife about the affair (I don't even like calling it that) and while she was devastated, she wants to try to make it work. I still love my wife, but not in the way I need to. Part of me wants to give her what I feel she deserves and that is an honest effort. And on top of that, I love my son with all my heart and have difficulty imagining living without him everyday. On the other side, I see in this other person the potential for the kind of long-lasting, fulfilling relationship I feel I deserve. I know some of you may say I should give my marriage a chance and if it is meant to be with the other woman, it will be. But I don't believe in meant to be. And I guess I don't want to stay in my marriage out of fear and guilt, which is what I think I would be doing. And I'm also scared I may resent my wife for causing me to miss out on the opportunity to be with the other person. I know I sound completely selfish but I'm seriously on the verge of leaving my wife. The other woman and I can't be together full time right now (although she's not married, she does live some distance away). I would really like to just try separating with my wife but she isn't willing to do this. It is all or nothing for her and I guess that is her right. Any and all advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:02am
Okay, I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you medicatedmom. The first thing you should do is read ALL of the posts. If you had, you'd know I have decided to work through things with my wife, despite my heart telling me otherwise. I know it is the correct thing and I do want to be there for her through this pregnancy. However, for you to automatically make me and the other woman a bad person because we fell in love is a huge generalization. You don't know me, you don't know my wife and you don't know the other woman either. So feel free to offer you opinions on what I should do, but don't call names. I can do without that. As far as me being responsible for my marriage not working, of course I am partially. It takes two people to make a marriage work and two to fail at it. I have my faults and I'm trying to work on those. But the fact is my relationship with my wife may be beyond repair at this point. The resentment and distance may be too big to bridge. But she and I will find this out as we go. I don't know what the future holds, but I need to feel better about myself if I ever want to have a successful relationship. I know this. No matter what though, I know I am a great father and I'm capable of being a truly great husband also. My ability to say that shows a lot of progress for me, believe me. Well I wish you well on whatever it is that has made you so bitter and judgmental medicatedmom. I hope you can find the peace I am seeking as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 10:48am
Omahamm,

Your OW is not going anywhere that you have to hurry and make this haste decision. I feel that she is very selfish to expect you to leave your wife at this stage of pregnancy. Somebody here rightly suggested that many times we think we have fallen in love with a person and think of them as our soulmate but in online cases there is the chance the impression that we have of them is what our mind has created and it may not be exactly them. In any case, do think of your unborn child and the resentment he/she would have when he/she grows up and finds out that his/her dad deserted him/her. I don't suggest that you stay together with your wife if you have not been happy for so long but don't leave at this stage. Think really hard from all angles and NEVER make haste decisions. One other thing...I believe in karma and in the fact that when you hurt others.... at one or other stage of your life you are going to be hurt too. So whatever you do, don't hurt anybody....do everything gently...give your marriage a chance because that is the priority and make sound (not hasty) decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 11:18am
hi omaha -- i did read through all the posts to you and i have to say you worked through a ton of emotions on that thread, didn't you! i know it physically hurts you to not be with the OW, even online. obviously, the connection is strong between the two of you and was totally validated by your one visit. but understand that when your primary R (your M) has reached the indifferent stage, ANY intimate contact/connection with the opposite sex will fill the huge void you've been experiencing in your life. i know, i've BTDT -- several times in my life and Rs!!

so you've decided to stay and work on your M, GOOD FOR YOU, your W and your child(ren)! even if the M eventually ends, you've done "the right thing" by staying while your W is pregnant and being there for the birth and afterward so that life gets settled down. counseling CAN help bring issues to the fore that both you and your W need to recognize and work on. and now that your W understands she was "this close" to losing you, she may change and be more responsive to your needs. but in turn, you MUST be more open to making the M work. yes, pine for the "what ifs" with the OW, but after 6-8 weeks and one visit, you cannot possibly know if she's the one for you, to end your marriage, and the two of you cannot even be together right now. i feel you were swept up in the surge of the A and not thinking too straight. but you did listen and make your decision, for which i applaude you!

as for the future, you might lose everything OR gain everything! none of us can predict the future, but it is what you make it, omaha! work on making your M better, for all of you. you've chosen well!

best of luck to all of you,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:00pm
Gurl,

You're right, I have worked through a lot in the last couple of weeks. I believe I have made the right choice for now and I do think as I move forward with counseling there is a possibility that I could form a good and healthy relationship with my wife. And please don't think I was deluding myself to the point where I believed I would live happily ever after with the OW. It was more a case of realizing there may be more out there than what I had settled for with my W. So regardless, this has been an eye-opening experience for me. I do cry when I think about the OW but as you said, there are other circumstances keeping us apart for now so that makes it a little easier. I have talked to her once and she and I are dealing with this separately and living our lives the best we can. I will never really be able to make anyone understand how I could fall in love in such a short time because the sum of the parts don't add up to the whole. But suffice it to say she knows me better than anyone on this planet and I know her better than anyone also. She's in my heart and always will be. But I do love her enough also to accept that she may not end up with me. As long as she is happy, I'll be okay. All that said though, I'm also not giving up hope that possibly someday down the road she and I may get another shot. As you said, no one can foresee the future so I'm just living my life day by day and doing the best I can each day. Thank you all for your advice and comments. Obviously I made this decision myself but it does help to hear other viewpoints.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 12:31pm
thank god there's a man with a brain out there!! look, no one said life was easy, ever! i left a 16-year marriage with 3 children and no money and i've never, ever looked back. my kids are grown and gone (and happy and healthy and productive members of society) but it was hard, tiring, guilt-inducing, sleepless nights with no help or support because i left my "wonderful" M. no one knows what you live with day in and day out and when you find yourself numb to the emotions you feel and indifferent to what your wife feels and wants, well, you just keep on going, you know. i've been there, and done that, in my M and in my current long-term (almost 11 years now) R with my BF. but i've learned that i have to make the extra effort to be honest with myself, my BF, my children and work at those Rs to make them better and life-sustaining.

we can always walk away -- from a M, a job, home projects, whatever. it's the staying and finishing them that is the hard part!

the OW will always be the warm loving memory, the what might have been, part of your brain. sometimes we just "connect" with someone and desperately want everything to work out the way we want it, but you and i both know, that just doesn't always happen. you and OW just have bad timing right now, your W's pregnancy AND a four-year-old are just too difficult to throw overboard and walk away from.

you are certainly entitled to be happy in this life. i just don't believe we should hurt everyone else in the process!! i'm right there with you -- but i just can't bring myself (nor can my MM) to hurt everyone in both our lives just because we feel we could have a better life together than apart. i'm too old and self-aware to be that selfish!!

good luck with the counseling and i sincerely hope your life works out the best way for YOU!!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 2:43pm
Gurl,

Well I have agreed with much of what you have said but I disagree with a lot of this last post. First of all, I'm not talking about doing what is easy. No matter what I would have done, it was going to be extremely difficult. I don't like hurting anyone and I put myself in a situation where that was a definite.

Also, I would never be "leaving" my kids. I know divorce would be extremely difficult for them, but my wife and I have agreed on split custody because I am such an involved father. Their lives would be different, but that doesn't automatically make them worse. I know for a fact that my parents stayed together too long "for the kids" and it made our lives miserable because they were both miserable to be around. I will not get to that point I assure you.

If my marriage is salvagable, my wife and I will salvage it. If it isn't, I'm not going to stay and invest years in something that doesn't work. Too many people stay too long and life is too short in my opinion.

You're right that the timing was bad for me and the OW, but that doesn't mean I won't eventually reconnect with her or possibly find happiness with someone else if things don't work out in my marriage. My point is, I'm not looking for perfection, just something real and something better than what I've had. Hopefully I'll find that with my W, but if not then I now know I can and will work to find it elsewhere. And no, that relationship won't be perfect and will require a tremendous amount of work also. But that doesn't mean it won't be better than my current marriage either.

Ultimately I will be making a selfish decision, whether to stay or go. But that doesn't mean I don't consider the feelings of everyone involved. It just means that the decision I make has to make me happy or I'll never really be there for them anyway.

Thank you for your concern and continued support. I'm not disagreeing with you to be contradictory, but I didn't want anyone thinking I fully agreed with what you said either. I appreciate your viewpoints though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 2:57pm
okay, omaha, i was being supportive and am still concerned, but i don't think i ever mentioned a "perfect" anything, M, OW, you, your W. i was trying to emphathize with you being in a difficult position insofar as "choosing" your M or the OW. or leaving your children -- you'd be leaving their every single day lives, but not their world. having split custody is great until the kids reach a point of wanting to make a choice where they will live, every day. and it will come. it always does, with the pre-teen years.

good luck in your future endeavors. you'll need it, no matter what you decide!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 3:44pm
Gurl,

I didn't mean to offend you. Maybe I misunderstood you and you misunderstood me. I don't know. All I know is no two situations are alike. You're right that I would be missing out on a lot of my kids' lives, but I also know that if I continue to stay and am unhappy then I'll miss out on even more because I'll never fully be there. I realize that at some point they may want to choose a place to live. And I can live with that. But that isn't fully their decision either.

In any event, I think we both agree I did the right thing. The only question is what the future holds. And I honestly have no idea. But no matter what, I'm going to do my best. That's pretty much all I can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 4:04pm
omaha -- no worries, my friend! i have a pretty thick hide.

i believe everyone should be happy with their life and life choices. and eventually we all do what we need to do! i totally get what you are saying. i left my marriage because if i didn't i would have had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital, but sanity and reason prevailed and i took the necessary steps for myself and my emotional survival!

life is what you make it, omaha. so make it good sweetie!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 10:59am
Well just thought I'd give a brief update. Went to first counseling session yesterday and I thought it was productive and went well. We got all our main issues out in the open and I was thinking we could finally start to address these things. Well last night my W started crying and asked me why I ever married her in the first place. She said she doesn't think she can ever be what I want. This was what I feared before I made the commitment to stay in my marriage. But I'm not giving up. We're early in the process here. However, the fact that she basically said exactly what I have been thinking about our relationship does reinforce my feeling that this may end up being a lost cause.

Of course I'm still in agony over losing the OW. She was not just my soulmate, but also my best friend. If it were possible for me to do so, I'm afraid I would run to her now. I don't know how to let her go and part of that is I don't WANT to let her go. Is it wrong for me to want to hold onto those feelings? Can I honestly move forward when all I really want is to have her in my arms and to look into her eyes? I don't know if I can go on with the thought of never seeing her again.

I guess I'm still torn...