I'm torn...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
I'm torn...
42
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 11:43am
I've been married for 7 years and have a 4 year old and another child on the way. I know I will appear to be the villian in what I describe and I understand that. But in the last 6 weeks I have fallen for an online friend I've known for 3 years. She is an honest, caring person and neither of us intended for this to happen. My marriage isn't a violent or even a terribly angry one, but I haven't been happy for years. My wife has been nonresponsive and detached for a long time and unfortunately we never did anything to resolve this. My dilemma now is the other woman and I are in love (believe me, I'm not an impetuous person who just falls in love) and want to be together. I've told my wife about the affair (I don't even like calling it that) and while she was devastated, she wants to try to make it work. I still love my wife, but not in the way I need to. Part of me wants to give her what I feel she deserves and that is an honest effort. And on top of that, I love my son with all my heart and have difficulty imagining living without him everyday. On the other side, I see in this other person the potential for the kind of long-lasting, fulfilling relationship I feel I deserve. I know some of you may say I should give my marriage a chance and if it is meant to be with the other woman, it will be. But I don't believe in meant to be. And I guess I don't want to stay in my marriage out of fear and guilt, which is what I think I would be doing. And I'm also scared I may resent my wife for causing me to miss out on the opportunity to be with the other person. I know I sound completely selfish but I'm seriously on the verge of leaving my wife. The other woman and I can't be together full time right now (although she's not married, she does live some distance away). I would really like to just try separating with my wife but she isn't willing to do this. It is all or nothing for her and I guess that is her right. Any and all advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 11:21am

good morning omaha and thanks for the update!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 11:33am
Thanks for the support. I do appreciate it. I understand and believe all that you are saying. I guess the problem for me right now is I know that over time my feelings for the OW will fade. And I don't want them to. I don't want to lose those feelings because she made me feel so much better about myself in a lot of ways. If I lose those feelings, I'm afraid I'll lose a sense of myself. Just so you know, we have talked once through e-mail and I know she needs to let me go because holding on makes her too unhappy. But I also know she was miserable before me and I sense her sliding back into that pattern. Part of me really wants to "save" her and myself. I'm not going to do anything because I can't. But how do I let her go when my heart and my mind tell me to hold on?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 12:31pm

omaha, i really feel for you both.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 1:53pm
Darn, you are good! If this is not the greatest advice ever then I don't know what is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 2:28pm
awww, you like me, you really, really like me!!!!

CL-Gurlfriend50


Live, Love and Be Happy!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 2:32pm
Sure I do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 2:33pm
i wanted to email you off the board, but you're blocked.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 2:38pm
I tried. No luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 2:47pm
i'm trying to change my profile.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 3:01pm
OK


Edited 1/22/2004 4:44:34 PM ET by boston53