I'm trying to be strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
I'm trying to be strong
3
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 2:33pm
But it's not working. I haven't seen MM since tues. he's been on vacation. He told me he was going to be with family but that I could page him and if he could get away to use the phone then he would. Well I guess he couldn't or is it that he wouldn't because he's so fricking paranoid. My heart seriously feels like its been stomped on. My stomach is flipping around and I'm so damn nauseous. I really think I might throw up. What the hell is wrong with me? I am a grown woman! Part of me wants to be mad at him and tell him to

#$%@ off! And the other part of me wants him so much more. I am really beginning to believe that family and friends are right about me. I only want what I can't have. I've done this my entire life, I've always been the single girl who takes everyone elses boyfriend, but no sooner then I get them I'm done with them. It's like a challenge, I constantly need to challenged. This is my first ema and honestly I can't believe I have feeling this deep. What is weird is I managed to avoid all contact with MM for the almost 6 years we've been working together. Because the first time I saw him I felt it, this thing inside of me and I just knew that if I looked into his eyes sparks would fly and we'd both get swept away. Well to make a long story short I got moved around the company and now we work together there was no avoiding the eye contact and the first time we did look into each others eyes and every time since then it's be like fireworks erupting inside and we both say that it's like we can see into eachothers soul, and that it's like finding what you've been looking for your whole life, and there is this electricity that is so strong, we spend hours staring into eachothers eyes while we are working, or supposed to be working. And yet we know that even though we have found our soul mate in each other that it can never, that it can never work out because we can't leave our families. And it's killing me. Literally eating me alive. I thought from the beginning that it was going to be great for our marriages because we both have spouses that aren't incredibly affectionate (sex yes, but affection not really). And the first week or two it was great. But now we are both feeling tortured. Why does life have to be so crappy sometimes? So now on top of having that tortured I'm feeling like he should have called me. He should of snuck out of the house or waited until the W was sleeping and then called. I guess with us both being M and not wanting to get caught that could be really hard. I just really miss him. And I think that I'm falling in love with him, though I seriously hope that I'm not. So now here's where you all come in - when he comes back tomorrow should I talk to him like everythings normal (be my normal happy self), be how I am now (mad and sad) and kinda ignore him, or just all together ignore him?

Someone please help me, I can't think for myself right now, I'm so mixed up, I've never felt like this before and really don't know what to do.

p.s. thanx for listening.

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 3:22pm
Hi Haley, I sure know how you feel about not being able to see or hear from MM...it's so freaking frustrating at times. I'm glad summer is almost gone for this very reason, my MM has went on vacation twice this summer and I didn't hear a word from him for a week each time. << He's pretty paranoid himself about "every" thing it seems like. But in all honesty...he truly may not have had a chance to call you. I know there are times when I am with my own family that I just cannot get around to using my phone in order to call my MM and he's the same way...frustrating as it is.

Does he call pretty often otherwise? If so, I guess maybe give him a little slack since he is on vacation. If you remember I posted about this same thing last week and I think you responded several times to me. So, I feel funny telling you to cut him a little slack (that is...if he's otherwise pretty attentive). My MM is...but then, like last week when he didn't call one day...I was soooooo pissed off. I FINALLY got to talk to him on Saturday morning and we ended up in an argument despite my best efforts to not come off sounding soooo needy. It was a small argument and he explained to me that he had been extremely busy on Friday and didn't get a chance to call or respond to my text messages that I had sent him.

To be honest, I still haven't completely gotten over it but I did see him Saturday and Sunday evening..lol << sometimes I think there's no hope for me girl! It's just soooo hard, like today he called when his employee stepped out for lunch and we talked just about 30 minutes, probably won't talk to him anymore today. I know it makes me sound like a baby...but I'm happy at least that he trys, I guess he doesn't even "have" to do that.

If I were you, I'd just tell him that it did bother you that he didn't return your page, I swear men just don't think like we do at times and what seems important to us...they just seem to over-look..if you know what I mean. I personally don't think I would ignore him and this is coming from someone who quite often chooses that route...lol. I know what you mean by wanting what you can't have...I think part of this is just human nature. I'm the exact same way, sometimes I think it's like a conquest for me. But, it's different with this guy this time and I know that, I think that's why I get so irritated if I think for a second I'm being ignored << I'm just really not that type of gal, to put up with whatever...just not me.

Anyway, hope this has helped... a little anyways. By the Way, when is he suppose to return?? Make sure you let us know what you decide.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 3:46pm
I swear to god from your posts you're my long lost twin or something.

He's supposed to be coming back tomorrow. He'll be here when I get in. I swear to god, it is usually so easy for me to be in control of my feelings and of my relationships. If it was any other guy and I paged him once and he didn't call back that would be the end of it. But here I am sitting wanting all his attention like a five yr old. I swear to god I wish I never laid eyes on him. I'm so messed up. The worst part is I totally love my H and could never in a million years imagine being in love with anyone but him. And here I am all messed up and fallin in love with someother guy. All I want is to have my cake and eat it too, is that too much to ask? I'm a bad bad girl. But at least there is someone else out there who understands me.

BTW I saw that you talked to your MM, did you all make up?

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 4:37pm
I tell my best friend (the only person that knows about the A) all the time that if it were "any other guy" he'd be gone already. And, in all honesty it's not that he does anything 'that bad' he just pisses me off sooooo bad sometimes. My best friend tells me all the time to tell him to go f&*&* himself...lol. I think sometimes she believes I've lost my mind. No one else has ever had this much control over me or my decisions before...and like I said before I don't think it's that much...just alot to me at times.

I've thought maybe that was my problem...that he isn't 'THAT EASY' that it is a little harder with him at times and maybe...well, evidently I must like it somewhere deep inside??? Anyway, I'm just like you about what you say about your H too!! I truly do love H and he is soooo good to me, I don't even know why in this world I've let this happen to me with this guy (for a second time)!!!

I do love MM, always have, always will I guess...but I cannot even fathom the thought of hurting H over this. I get so confused at times I don't know what to do, there are days...I say to myself, I've got to stop this NOW, before he finds out...then MM calls and it starts all over again..because I cannot for the life of me see myself letting this man out of my life for yet another 12 years, maybe longer. I guess I want to have my cake and eat it too...we did talk, on Saturday morning he called first thing, as he was by himself at work. <>

Anyway, I called him back that afternoon and we discussed things 'somewhat' we can get pretty deep at times and as always I guess he smoothed everything over...lol, I'm crazy I tell you. I can totally relate to everything you are saying, believe me.