Intensity Scares Me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Intensity Scares Me
6
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 2:04am
I don't post here often, but I need to get something out, and there's no where else to go. It's so hard to not be able to share this stuff with my friends ...

MM and I have been in our A for about 3 months now. We have been co-workers/friends for a few years, but then something changed - I still have no idea where it came from! Neither one of us plans on leaving our spouses, we are just having fun.

This weekend we were able to get away over night for the first time. It was wonderful to not have to worry about getting home by a certain time and to be able to go out to eat together. Here's the problem: when we were having sex that night I felt something so intense it scared me. I can't explain it, but the feelings were so intense that I almost started to cry. I don't know if what I was feeling was real, or if I was just caught up in the moment. I don't want to fall in love with this man - there's no good end to that. I'm starting to worry that it's too late.

How have others dealt with the emotional side of an affair? We're trying to plan another weekend away in the next couple of months. Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time and be content and happy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 6:50am
While I was reading your post, it sounded so much like my situation.

Me and my MM were co/workers for a year and a half, always very friendly with each other, both of us happily married and then it seemed like overnight it all changed.We were having an affair. We had the opportunity to be alone for many hours and he told me that he had been attracted to me since he first met me. I kept changing the subject, but evenually he kissed me and that is how it all started. Our affair lasted 5 months, and yes it was filled with so much passion, intensity and excitement. We both agreed from the start to keep it physical and not let our emotions get involved, I believed at the time that it was possible to do that, however I am not so sure now.

After 5 months he very graciously told me that he couldn't do it anymore. He wasn't eating or sleeping, and everyone around him noticed a change, and I think he was afraid someone was going to find out, so he asked me if we could remain friends.

We still work together, and it was odd at first, going back to the way things used to be, but we did.

Now things seem to be changin again. He has started joking and flirting with me more, and looking at me the way he used to do. Last week while he was in my office, I told him that sometimes I think I see that special look in his eyes again, and he told me that yes I do, sometimes.

I think about him all the time, and am actually hoping that somehow, we will start our affair again.

It does change who you are, my husband has not a clue that I cheated on him, nor thinks that I would be the type of person that could do such a thing. I love my husband so much, just got so caught up in the fact that another man found me so desireable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:23am
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Edited 4/24/2004 4:32 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 10:35am
Honestly, unless you intend to leave him, I don't think there is anything you *can* do. You're just going to fall. I think that while the intensity is scary..it feels so damn good, and you just want to keep feeling it again and again. Just accept the inevitibility of it happening. You never know where it will lead.

sujata

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 6:31pm
That's exactly what's happening to me. The whole day, my heart ached. I wanted to see MM so bad.

Julietsfate, funny you mentioned signs--MM is aquarius, I'm libra. Everything I've read says that we bring each other to a higher level of existance, and that we are most compatible for each other. That's what I feel. We are constantly reading each others' minds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:23am
Hi Dazed: One thing I've learned after more than five years into my A is that you can most definitely love two people at the same time. And the intensity you feel with your MM is very real. I hate to be the one to inform you, but you are definitely falling in love, LOL!! But falling in love with that special someone is not always something that we can control. For me, I've learned that my logical mind has absolutely no control over my emotional heart.

As for the intensity of the sex and all, it's still that way for us even after all these years. Sometimes I feel like a hormonal teenager with him, haha. In all seriousness, I have literally been brought to tears after making love with him, it is that incredible.

It's definitely a rollercoaster, no doubt about that. Hang on tight and enjoy the ride!

Virgogirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:07am
Hi Dazed,

I have absolutely no advice for you. In fact, I will spend the night with my MM for the first time this Saturday and I am terrified that I will end up in the same boat as you are. What started out as a sexual attraction and a few laughs, seems to intensify every time we see each other. I still don't believe I'm in love with him but I have definitely developed feelings beyond that of "just friends." And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.

I think that you (and by extension, me) have been given good advice here. If we don't want to develop deeper feelings, we need to get out. Otherwise we just have to hang on for the ride.

On another post yesterday, I said that you have to ask yourself if there's room in your heart and your life for two men. I think that even if we develop deeper feelings for our MM's, that doesn't automatically mean that we have to leave our H's or that our MMs will crowd our H's out of our hearts. I think that we just have to figure out how to make room for both of them in different ways.

Good luck and hugs!

Jess