Interested in your thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Interested in your thoughts
15
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 8:40am

Hi all


Brief recap- Im a MW in A with MM for a year now. Was blissful the first few mths - lots of lovely restaurants, hotels, lots of loving words and talk of 'one day when our kids are grown we can be together'. Long story short, the guilt overwhelmed him and he ended it twice (only to restart within days). He wants me, has strong feelings for me, but wants to keep it as FWB (ie no 'I love you's) as the guilt is really too much for him.


So here we are, we talk every day, plan to get away for a night soon (done it twice last year) and he sees us together for a long long time (his words).


Im happy with all of this- but admit I loved the passion and the romance and all the loving words he used to say. But Im a realist and know that the chances of us being togeher are slim- and I also know that an AP may not make a great Married Partner- so I appreciate that what we have is for the best- and may be the best we wil ever have.


BUT (and here is my question for you) do affairs really last? Can my AP and I really have this for years or am I stupid for thinking so. Now that there is no risk of 'burn out'- it did burn out but reignitred as a slow burning warm flame rather than the hot burn it was- plus the friendship is solid and we genuinely enjoy each others company- not just sexually.


So what do you think- do affairs last?


You are what you consistently do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:45pm

Going on six years here, and I think we're stuck with each other!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 1:57pm

Somewhere I read that the "average" affair lasts about 1½ years. Mine has been going on for 11 years. Some marriages don't even last that long!

I love what Anotherfive said. Keeping people in your life is a choice. The only exceptions, in these relationships, are usually D-days. I think they can end affairs whether you want them to or not, whether you want that person in your life forever, or not.

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 8:23pm

I have the same questions, getting stronger :)


And every time I read Lexi saying "11 years", I'm just amazed...and in a way inspired (I know some reading from other boards will want to vomit) but this man came into my life...I wasn't out looking for an A, and I can't imagine life without him in it in some capacity. We enjoy each other a GREAT deal, and the PA part is a tiny fraction.


IDK...I consider myself in a good M, and I know I'm taking a HUGE risk, but I truly love them both and hope I can make it work.


I think Lexi is proof it can be done, so I'm reading and learning. I made some mistakes early on, but we parted for 3 months and it's started back up...since I found this board I've learned a LOT about the dynamics of these R's.


I also liked what anotherfive said about keeping someone in your life being a choice...right now I'm choosing to make this work for both of us. As hard as it is, he means that much to me. And even better, he's let me know I'm worth the trouble, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 8:08am

PLEASE, I shouldn't be anybody's "inspiration". I'm using a very dysfunctional way to handle whatever it is that's broken inside of me. Deep down I know this. But I have constructed my life in a way that is fulfilling to me, and happy. Yes, I dare to be happy when I'm living this double life, and I dare to choose to keep my OM in my life as long as he wants to be a part of it.

I guess you can look to me for proof that an affair can go on for years. I think my story is rare though - maybe even as rare as the ones that end up together in real relationships. Although I have seen some other "long term" A's around here. Mostly, when the infatuation settles down and the R becomes an integral part of one's life, there isn't the drama or the angst that an early A has, so the people involved in them drift off this board. I found myself drifting off many times - I would disappear for months or just lurk for awhile, feeling like I had nothing to offer the people in pain and angst. But I reminded myself that I could put myself back in their shoes just by remembering, and maybe I could help them out after all.

But inspiration? PLEASE - NO - LOL!!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 9:31am

OK, Lexi...I hear you on the "inspiration" thing, and I, too, KNOW that what I'm doing is a dysfunctional way of handling what is also broken in me...I guess the better word might be "hope" :) You gave me hope that it can be done...and given the research I put into it while reeling from trying to let it go, I know it's also VERY RARE.


Throughout my life, I've been one of those people who has "gone about things" in a "road less traveled" way. It's just who I am, and to be honest, I'm tired of fighting it!


We parted, both of us did T (separately LOL!) and he's just become a part of me. If I could turn back time (I'm hearing Cher's voice!!!) I wouldn't jump back in... and I would NEVER encourage anyone to have an A.


At this point, I'm trying to move past that "angst" and enjoy the positives he brings to my life because they outweigh the negatives.


Your story has just resonated with me for many reasons :) I get that you don't want your dysfunction to be inspirational LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 04-30-2010 - 10:47pm

Lex I see what you mean. I too wouldnt want anyone to go through this but once you are in it- and there is love- its very vey hard to get a happy outcome. I am like kimber and just enjoying the positives (knowing full well that negatives have and will come).


Lex can I ask you though- in 11 years how have you handled the odd pang of jealousy. Im curious. I rarely feel jealousy but occasionally if there is a family holiday, or special weekend- its hard not to think about it huh?

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 11:09am

You are right on, as usual!.. I think, just as in many other boards, if there is a good mix of lifers vs newbies, it makes for a good, fun, supporting group.. we are all grateful you make the time to be here..


as dysfunctional responses to personal challenges go, a well-hidden A is not as bad, in my twisted way of thinking, compared to drugs, alcohol, abuse, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 11:19am

very interested in lexi's response, but i'll chime in.. being a quite jeolous person myself.. through experience, i've come to realize that, any kind of jealousy (just noticed there's a "lousy" in that word) is OK to feel as long as it doesn't get you to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 5:11pm
"Just THANK YOU for at least making me feel not alone."



And THAT is the exact reason this board is here! :-)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sat, 05-01-2010 - 5:19pm

In my case, Stronger, my OM is single, so maybe he's the one who deals with more jealousy. He mentioned that, I think ONCE, coming to terms with the jealousy. He's the one who deals with the family holidays, etc.

But I have always let him know that he can date or persue a "real relationship". There have been two times in the 11 years that he started dating someone. It was understood during those times that it could end with us at a moment's notice. If the R became even a "possible" serious we would be over. Those were hard times but I still had a part of me rooting for him and hoping maybe she WOULD be the one, even though another part was anticipating the heartbreak with dread. I would give him advice on stuff! It was weird.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

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