Interesting article on A's

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Interesting article on A's
5
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 6:17am

Hi All,

It's been AGES since I was on these boards, but when I saw this article I immediately thought of you guys. Let me know what you think:
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/infidelity/oh-come-all-ye-unfaithful-936120.html

Sham

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 12:55pm

thanks for sharing. i WILL read that and let you know what i think.

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 2:36pm

Hey Shambolic!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 10:05am

i read it. Great insights into the motivations, the phases, the feelings.

i could say more but ... it deserves a second read. and a bookmark. and a dispassionate sociological examination of why our culture refuses to acknowledge that some clandestine attractions have a purpose that is more than selfishness and lust. i already know why but it's worth exploring more than a knee-jerk reaction to the concept.

i think of Charles and Camilla. very public, very disasterous, not pretty, not young, but constant.

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2007
Thu, 03-05-2009 - 11:47am

Hey secret,

Update. Well, things haven't gone exactly as planned, but when do they ever?

Summer last year my exSO moved out after a very long, drawn out and painful break-up. It was absolute hell, and I felt about 100 times worse than I was expecting.

The plan was for AP and I to take it slow, date exclusively and come out as proper couple around 6 months later. However, in my weakened emotional state, I somehow let AP move in with me two months after exSO left. This was NOT meant to happen. I know, it's ridiculous - how can someone move in without you agreeing to it? Here's how. His rental contract ran out, and he wanted to stay with me 'for a week or so...while I look for a new place'. Well, you can guess the rest. 8 months on he's still living with me. It was WAY too soon, and I've really struggled because what I needed most of all was some space to breath. Cue resentment, claustrophobia, and diminishing feelings.

Other issues. I'm still seeing a lot of my exSO. We're getting on brilliantly, and although I'm not having a A with him, we've had a few cuddles, and the implication is that we'll get back together. We haven't actually talked about it - I think we're both too scared to bring it up.

exSO doesn't know about AP - telling him would put an end to our friendship. I also haven't told my family and most of my friends about AP, so still feels as though we're having an affair. Of course I could just tell everyone, but I'm really not sure if the R will last, so what's the point in upsetting everyone for nothing?

AP has been amazing throughout it all - hardly complaining about the secrecy at all. But deep down, I think he knows that it's not working for me, and he doesn't want to make fuss and force the issue. He's absolutely devoted, and I think he'd put up with any amount of cr*p just to be with me.

Worst of it is, I genuinely don't know if I want my ex back, or whether to throw myself into it with AP and try and make it work. I was SO in love with AP - I'd love to get that back, but I'm not sure if it's possible now.

So, there you go. Things are messier than ever. I think that's why I found the article so interesting - the bit about A's being unrealistic relationships. Day-to-day life with someone is very very different from the snatched exciting moments of an A.

How's things with you?




Edited 3/5/2009 12:37 pm ET by shambolic
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 03-06-2009 - 10:59am

Got a chuckle out of AP moving in on you like that...I actually had the same thing happen with XH2 a few months after we got together, and we all know how that turned out...