intro (if we do that) (sorry, long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
intro (if we do that) (sorry, long)
3
Sat, 05-30-2009 - 8:50pm

Hi all. I realized that I've been posting opinions for a couple of days and haven't really introduced myself.

I'm a MW, separated from my H. I'm in an A with a MM and never, ever thought I would do such a thing.

Awhile back, I reconnected with an old friend online. I'd dated this man a very long time ago, fell for him, but the circumstances weren't right. I was in a relationship with someone else that became serious, so I let things fizzle out, but I always had the nagging belief that I'd chosen the wrong man. I thought he wasn't that into me. It turns out he had fallen for me just as hard, but we were both trying to play it cool. We grew up and married other people and had children.

My marriage soured. My H is very self-involved and was never there for me. He did all kinds of things, large and small, that made me realize that I didn't count. I'd traded off my dignity for what I thought was love, and I lost myself. It was a cold, lonely, hopeless place. And I was going to stay in for my children, I really was.

Then along came AP. At first communicating with him was an emotional guilty pleasure, nothing more. But it escalated. The whole thing hit us both like a freight train. His M wasn't happy either, though he had been trying to make it work. And we both wondered, what if this is it? What if the choice is a lonely lifetime vs. finding some way to be together, even if we had to do things we weren't proud of? Because for each of us, the other was like finding a missing piece. Could we walk away and forgive ourselves? Turns out the answer was no.

Separate and apart from the A, I found the strength to confront my H and figure out that I couldn't remain in the M. It was hard. Sometimes I hated myself. I wanted to feel differently. But my H is who he is, and he will never change (has no desire to do so), and there was no way I could have stayed in no matter what. I imagined living the next 50 years in a physical and emotional dead zone, knowing on my deathbed that that was what my life had been. Then I imagined on top of that knowing I'd turned my back on the love of my life. I couldn't do that.

So I left with my children. It was a huge relief. Some days are bad; getting my children through this transition has been hard. H and I have been pretty amicable, considering. It'll be awhile before we can divorce. I never told H about the A, because I didn't want him to think that was the reason I wanted out. It wasn't; it only sped things along. I do not blame H for the A.

In the meantime, AP was my rock. He gave me hope for a better life. He listened to me for hours. I know I should have stayed away from him until I was out of my M, but it was a long time to face, and I needed that hope and support.

AP is now getting out of his M. His W is a lot like my H (and I could go on). He isn't stringing me along - so far he has backed up his words with action. I would not stay in a permanent A if I started to think he was a cake eater (love the term).

Am I proud of what I have done? No. Do I regret it? I regret hurting H and my children, but I think it was unavoidable. I take responsibility for my actions, but H also bears responsibility for his own. I don't regret falling in love with AP, and given the chance to do it over again, I still would have chosen the relationship with AP.

OK, this is way too long. If you've read this far, many thanks. I'm glad to have found a place where there are others who might understand.




Edited 5/30/2009 10:16 pm ET by masalterego

MASAlterego


www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Sun, 05-31-2009 - 12:09pm

Welcome to the Board and thank you for sharing your story. Seems to me you did the right thing given the circumstances.

"Life is not a dress rehearsal for something later. Each day is the first and last act of the personal performance of our lives.....Life is either good or not good, now...."

I wish you well and keep posting--

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Sun, 05-31-2009 - 2:29pm

Our situations are pretty similar. My AP is someone Ive known since HS. We have known each other about 14 years. He wanted to date me and I ened up dating his friend. The friend was "safe"......AP terrified me because of the way he made me feel. We remained very good friends for years but eventually lost touch.


When we reconnected about a year and a half ago, as you said, it was a guilty pleasure at first. Then our friendship started coming back. And all those feelings came with it. No one ever has made me feel like he does.


He is married, I am recentally single. His coming back in my life was a deciding factor in ending my relationship with the guy I was with. I realized that I didnt have what I wanted. I would never tell AP that becase

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sun, 05-31-2009 - 3:37pm

Thank you for sharing your story.

Right now I am taking a one month break from my AP and facing the decision of whether or not to stay in my marriage and make it work (which would imply having to let AP go entirely) or ending my marriage.

I find myself relating to what you wrote:

"what if this is it? What if the choice is a lonely lifetime vs. finding some way to be together, even if we had to do things we weren't proud of? Because for each of us, the other was like finding a missing piece. Could we walk away and forgive ourselves?"

So, I am in the process of making that decision right now. I love my husband, and I love my AP. But my commitment right now is to my husband and I have to figure out what to do about that before I can do anything else.

I applaud you for being able to make that difficult choice for yourself and not sit on the fence indefinitely. This kind of decision is extremely hard and painful, because somebody we love winds up hurt no matter what decision we make, and we will also hurt - but for different reasons, depending on the decision made.