Introducing me - and my mess :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2013
Introducing me - and my mess :)
3
Fri, 09-27-2013 - 10:20pm

Hello everyone

Well I want to tell you all everything. My secret. I need counsel, advice and friendship. Please.

I am 47, married to a lovely man, children and a good life. We havent had a good marriage for many years and steadily grown apart for the past 10 yrs I guess. We are god together though- lovely home, lovely kids- we are good 'life partners' if that makes sense. But we are not great friends, lovers, confidantes- and we rarely laugh when its just us.

Enter Dean- (not his real name but that will do) . We have been lovers, best friends etc for nearly 3 years now. We see each other every day, without fail- coffee, chat, hug, a meal maybe, sex, weekjends away - just depends. I adore him and he adores me. He is separated and currently going through divorce.

I have been hapy but lately I feel like I dont know where I stand anymore. We have become more than lovers but I cant be involved in any aspect of his life - it hurts. But he calls me his wife and we say we will be together forever!

Ok well Id like to meet you al, join this group. I'll be here for you and maybe you will be here for me:)

Gab

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2013
Sat, 09-28-2013 - 12:08am
Hi, your situation seems similar to mine, the lady I am seeing is also going through a divorce, but I have not been with her as long. Its like we have grown apart from our spouses, I could never leave because I would be afraid of what it would do to our children. But when I a with the other lady I feel alive and young again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2013
Sat, 09-28-2013 - 12:08am
Hi, your situation seems similar to mine, the lady I am seeing is also going through a divorce, but I have not been with her as long. Its like we have grown apart from our spouses, I could never leave because I would be afraid of what it would do to our children. But when I a with the other lady I feel alive and young again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 09-28-2013 - 2:34pm

I'm not sure what you're looking for?  Advice?  Help? I see two problems here.  You don't know what you want.....you speak of your husband in glowing terms......but you don't get any pleasure from the relationship.  Is he aware of your affair?  If not, and he found out, what would he do?  Does he feel the same lack of feeling and love that you do?  Have the two of you ever even discussed your feelings?  Or is he blissfully unaware of how you feel?  You're not being fair to him, or to yourself.  Your affair partner is a whole other story. 

"Going thru a divorce" is not the same as being divorced.  A LOT of people file for divorce, go to court multiple times, and in the end decide to get back together again!  And it is not unusual for men to hook up with a woman while in the process........because in most cases they don't know how to be "alone".  And in most of those cases, once they're actually divorced, they realize that they're "free".......and the world is a smorgasbord of women available to them. 

You need to decide what you want in YOUR life......either fix your marriage, or end it.  You're obviously looking for more than you have now!  Do yourself AND your husband a favor, and make a decision.  Your A/P is a whole other story.  You only know the good romantic sweet side of him.  You don't know who or what he is as a husband.  It's too bad you can't talk to his wife to hear her side of the divorce!  You might be very surprised.

I'm not judging you in any way, but trying to make you realize that you are the only one who can figure out what makes you happy, and then make the decision to go for it.  You're not happy now the way things are, and I doubt if you want to spend the rest of your life this way.  Talk to your husband, find out how he feels, and maybe it's time for you both to move on.....or maybe he needs a wakeup call......and learns how to make you a happy woman again.  If not.........then end it, not for your A/P but for yourself.  Good Luck to you.