Introduction

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Introduction
4
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 4:38pm
Hi, I've posted on this board off and on for a couple of years. The last time I wrote was almost a year ago I think. I'll introduce myself again. Some old-timers may remember me but I'm sure there are many new faces here.

I'm a late 40's married woman, soon to be divorced. I live in NJ, work part time, have 2 teenage daughters. We have had problems for a while. Tried marital therapy to hopefully improve the communication...didn't work...he is always twisting around stories, making me look like the bad person, plays with my head, gaslights me. I recently woke up to the way he really is and what his personality is really like. He has not been respectful to me in a long time, doesn't listen, I have to repeat the answers to the same questions he asks over and over again. Over the past few years, I lost my feelings for him and the desire to be intimate became less and less. Anyway, he filed this past Oct. and we're in the process of divorcing and he's still living here in the house instead of moving out.



I am currently seeing an MM, who's in his early 40's with 2 children of his own. Have been together for over a year, and we are very close. He's very different from the H. We are more alike in a lot of ways, have similar personalities and characteristics, we enjoy each other's company, he respects me, he listens to me and is interested in what I say and remembers things. The chemistry between us is phenomenal. When I first told him back in Sept. that things were not good between my H and I and I wasn't sure where it would lead, MM told me that we will always be friends no matter what. He said that he considers our relationship a form of a marriage and even if it's decided that I'd head down the path of divorce, he'd still want to be with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
In reply to: redhotlady1
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 4:29pm
Hi! I, too, have been on here before, when the relationship started with my MM - but haven't been on for 2 years - although we're still doing fine. I'm married, not madly in love with my husband, but I don't dislike him either - he has a lot of medical problems which have affected his 'way of looking at things' - I just slowly grew away from him - although I'd never leave - MM and I have been together for 2+ years - and like we both say - who knows what the future will hold - I'm a few years older than him - my son is grown with his own family, but MM still has kids at home and has no intention of leaving them until at 18 yrs old anyway - but he'd like to grow old with me - he makes me very happy and we have a very close, honest relationship - just the way it has to be right now - but that's ok - we're happy. Good luck to you!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: redhotlady1
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 9:08pm
My H has a lot of health problems too. Some of these problems started about 10 years ago and he's only 47. He is also very strange at times and his behavior and personality characteristics are questionable. It took me a long time to find out who I really am and I realized what type of a person he really is. If I knew many years ago that we are opposites and what his personality was really like, I wouldn't have married him. But you can't cry over spilled milk.

I don't think MM is happy in his marriage but I also don't think he's very unhappy there. I know about 4 or 5 years ago when we first met, (this is the 2nd time we're involved)his marriage was worse then due mostly to financial problems which his W caused. She tried to fix that and the situation is somewhat better now. I also know that something's missing in his marriage, otherwise he wouldn't seek an outside relationship. I don't think they can't stand each other but I don't think they get along all that well either. We've joked around saying that we think we're more of a match with each other more than we are with our spouses. He's 5 years younger than me and his older daughter is the same age as my younger one (almost 15)but he also has an 11 year old daughter too and a long way yet until both kids are out of the house. However, he has told me that he doesn't have any plans to leave his W.....at least not in the immediate future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
In reply to: redhotlady1
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:00am
Wow, there are other people like me! My H has some health issues, and while our relationship isn't what it used to be, he's a good man and I won't leave him. (I could never be happy knowing the kind of grief I'd cause if I left.) I've been with the OM for almost 5 years. He and his W separated a year ago. Since that time, he's suggested (more than once) that I come and live with him, although he knows I can't do that right now. (From this regard,I have to say that life was easier when his W was still in the picture.) But we do intend to grow old together. We have no idea how that's going to work out, we just have faith that it will.

We talk everyday and spend time together whenever we can. We live very far away from each other, so when we do get time together, it's usually a week or two. - Which is always very nice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
In reply to: redhotlady1
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:39pm
Geez, that sounds like we live in parallel worlds!! My husband just turned 53 and, according to Dr's is 'living on borrowed time', especially now that dialysis has started too. That's amazing how we sound alike - had I known him better when we married (13 years ago) I probably wouldn't have married him either (although I believe there's a reason for things happening the way they do)- there again, I love him, but I'm not in love with him - now I feel like I'm finally being 'me' after 50 years. MM is also unhappy in his marriage (I see things there too - I know his W too), but he wouldn't leave yet either. Like MM said, he wishes we would've met a long time ago, but, who knows, it's like it wasn't supposed to happen until now (well, 2 years ago) - so, so be it. We just have to wait and see . . . . . (that can be difficult too :( ), but . . .