introduction and argghhhh what am i doing???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
introduction and argghhhh what am i doing???
11
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 9:44pm
Hi everyone. I'm a mw in an a with a mm. I've been reading the boards for awhile so familiar with the lingo and many of your stories. Its refreshing how everyone is so supportive. I've been in my a for about a year and a half. I care a lot about him and sense that he cares about me but we've never discussed feelings. Neither of us plan to (nor want to) leave our spouses and we both have children. Our a is physical. When the a started, things with my h was rocky. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm more in love with my h. We have a great time. I'm attracted to him and so now I wonder, ok why can't I just leave ap? I know why I got into the a and I do care a lot about ap. Now I'm trying to figure out why I just can't call it quits. I try to think of all the pain this would cause h or ap's family. I have serious plans of going through with it but the moment I connect with ap, I think, "I can't leave him." Yes, I enjoy ap sexually, perhaps moreso than h, but I get frustrated because I feel the love I have for h should outweigh it all. So at this point, I'm digging further to identify the hold outside of it being simply an addiction and praying for strength to cut the a rope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 11:13pm
I hope you find that strength and are able to make it work for however you want it to work. Your right though, it's an addiction. Find a hobby, etc that will fill that void that the AP would leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2011
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 11:55pm
Welcome PWings....you sound A LOT like I did. I suspect that you've just got a ton of things that you need to sort out within yourself. Things that you may be in denial about. A's are VERY addicting...you can't leave AP probably because you don't want to lose that feeling you get with him. You don't sound like you love AP and you probably don't. It's something else. Something you're missing inside you. So, THIS THING YOU"RE MISSING COUPLED WITH A'S BEING ADDICTING...this is why it's puzzling and very difficult to leave the A.

How does your AP feel about you? You haven't spoken about feelings but what is your take on things from his side?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 12:00am
Thanks and it shouldntbethishard :smileyhappy: I actually have plenty to do to keep me busy. AP and I don't interact daily. We stopped that awhile ago and I welcomed it because it helped me to clear my head. To be honest, I think I'm dealing with a case of mental manipulation. For the past two months or so, AP has been saying "I know you're going to leave me." I always respond, no, I'm not. Now I think I'm at a point where I don't want to prove him right nor do I want to disappoint or hurt him. I also know that I have to put my needs and wants first; although that has always been a struggle even in my marriage. So that is something I'm working on. Another challenge is that I've accepted that he doesn't give me all that I want in this A. Well we equally make contact and that is fine. However, he is emotionally available. He told me early on that we would need our emotions intact. I agreed to it and have put up a wall against my emotions. But I realize, that's just not me. I can't have ic with someone while trying to keep a wall around my emotions. Additionally, I like to do little sweet things and have them done for me. But we keep all of that out of this and I guess this functions like a fwb. He's been under the impression that I've been fine with all of this and that is my fault. I owe it to him to express my feelings and if nothing change, I think I can walk free of guilt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 12:18am
Hi Blue, thanks for responding! There are things I'm sorting out within myself. As far as the feeling I get, I've shut all of those down. When ap says "I miss you" or "thinking of you" I shut those down by thinking "he misses the sex or he's thinking about the sex." For the past 6 months, I've been programming and preparing myself to leave. First step was to reduce the emotional attachment. In the beginning, I was wayyyy to deep like most of us. Now, I no longer long for his text or contact. When he makes contact, I'm almost like "whatever." Basically I stop romanticizing this. Its not a love affair. Its sex. So I've knocked this thing down a couple of levels because I didn't want to be heady or foggy. Now, its just a matter of feeling as though my actions don't hurt him. Does that make sense? I care about him and want him happy. I just have to get in my brain that I'm not responsible for his happiness. He says things like he doesn't want this to end or to lose me. Those things keep me there. So now I'm starting to say, of course he doesn't want to lose access to his side sex! Lol. As far as his feelings...he says things like how he appreciates having me in his life and how he doesn't know how not to have me in his life. But that doesn't mean love. It means he appreciates the sex I give him, the ability to have another woman to talk to and the boosts to his ego. I really just need to get over feeling that I've abandonded him if I end the a.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 9:40pm
Hi csmithrn,

Thanks for your response. Actually, the first 6 months I felt like I fell heavily in love with AP. I was head over heels. Lol. We had a couple endings during that first 6 months and boy did it hurt like hell. I decided that I never wanted to feel that type of pain again but wasn't ready to let go of ap. I read here on mas and on eas and gained a lot of insight. I realized that what I was feeling was perhaps not love and that I was just caught up in the a fog. I decided that emotions didn't need to be in this a because my ap is emotionally unavailable. So I started doing everything to reduce my feelings, including reducing contact, understanding myself and the a better, doing things to improve the relationship with my h, and knocking ap far off his pedestal.

Oftentimes in the A, we put the ap's on an undeserving pedestal. Fine, some Ap's are better than others but none deserve the anguish I experienced in the beginning and what I see on here. Perhaps I've become quite hardened, I don't really know. But I refuse to spend time watching my phone for a text, hoping he will call, and acting like he's God. He's not. So I constantly told myself those things so I could get to a better place. It worked. I guess he senses it and perhaps somewhat frightened by it. This new place has caused me more peace and less stress. But I couldn't have gotten to this place without reading all the stories here and doing the work it takes not to make the A my life. Its only a temporary part of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 10:45pm

Thanks for your response. Actually, the first 6 months I felt like I fell heavily in love with AP. I was head over heels. Lol. We had a couple endings during that first 6 months and boy did it hurt like hell. I decided that I never wanted to feel that type of pain again but wasn't ready to let go of ap. I read here on mas and on eas and gained a lot of insight. I realized that what I was feeling was perhaps not love and that I was just caught up in the a fog. I decided that emotions didn't need to be in this a because my ap is emotionally unavailable. So I started doing everything to reduce my feelings, including reducing contact, understanding myself and the a better, doing things to improve the relationship with my h, and knocking ap far off his pedestal.

Oftentimes in the A, we put the ap's on an undeserving pedestal. Fine, some Ap's are better than others but none deserve the anguish I experienced in the beginning and what I see on here. Perhaps I've become quite hardened, I don't really know. But I refuse to spend time watching my phone for a text, hoping he will call, and acting like he's God. He's not. So I constantly told myself those things so I could get to a better place. It worked. I guess he senses it and perhaps somewhat frightened by it. This new place has caused me more peace and less stress. But I couldn't have gotten to this place without reading all the stories here and doing the work it takes not to make the A my life. Its only a temporary part of it.

I love everything you wrote here!  So, so true...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 10:48pm

Hey CS!  Welcome to the board.  Yes, the fog is very real and very common.  I would recommend following a few posters on here back in time and seeing how they progressed through the fog.  Just go back through the archives and trace their stories for a while.  It's eye opening!   That was the way I realized that my path was so similar to paths of others who had had As before me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 10:57pm
Csmith, there are so many stories here, so many have lived through the fog. I have been on the boards for about 3 years now. I have seen many stories and read many things. Go back read past posts here, read the healing library at EAS, read the stories on after your affair support, all sides of an affair and even betrayed spouses. You will find so much insight into affairs and notice patterns.

Don't get me wrong, there are some affairs that end happy and I would never tell anyone they are wrong to have an affair. But knowledge is power. What I tell people the most is "be true to yourself"

Read, read, read it may help you deal with what you are feeling now.

Sometimes I think the affair fog is wrapped around what we think is within our reach and what we think our AP represents for us in that dream. Many enter an affair thinking, it's just for fun, just sex but honestly we have no clue what a roller coaster ride it is.

Hugs to you!
~Sunny~