An introduction and help, please :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2013
An introduction and help, please :)
7
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 8:30pm

EDIT: I got scared by how this is right at the top of google search so i'm giving the quick version in case anyone works out who I am.

Summary: been with H 8yrs. He's almost 20 yrs older, never had much of a sex drive, never been interested in pleasing me.

I cheated for the first time (in the guise of chat sex) a couple of weeks ago with a guy from work i'd been emailing with a lot and thought I was close to. I felt emotionally needy afterward, let him know it and he didn't respond that favorably to the idea of me having feelings for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 11:11pm

welcome to MAS, Peri..

I think a lot of your emotional turmoil, ok drama, is happening because, right now, you need drama in your life and you are getting lots of it. It's intoxicating and you love it, ups and downs included..

However, having an affair is serious business because you are capable of hurting others, especially your husband.  You can have an affair, sleep with someone, have an EA, etc, but, first, you need to be mature about it, know what you want and expect, whether you stumbled into this or you wanted it to happen.

Your AP also doesn't seem to know what he wants, but, like most men, would have sex with you whenever you want and are ready for it. He's playing little games with you, and you are going along. It won't be long before you two start having sex, and you enjoying more drama in your life.

So far, all this is happening because this is how you want it to happen.  If you'd like the A take a different course, all you need to do is to take that course, nothing more, nothing less..

As for your M, your reasons for wanting to stay in it, under the circumstances, are too weak.  Better get out now before you hurt him or even children down the line. Leave him, start again, and find someone that you really want to spend the rest of your life with.  He deserves that, you also deserve that too.

In the long run, it really doesn't matter what your AP does or thinks day to day.  What matters, or should matter to you, is whether you'll choose to lead your life in this happless manner, letting drama fill your life so you don't have to make the hard choices, or whether you'll take charge and go get the life and happiness you deserve.

So... what will you do?

Again, welcome to MAS and please continue to share.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2013
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 7:43am
Thanks for the reply Nevereasy :) It's more rationality than I want to hear at the moment, but it's what i've been telling myself all week. I don't think i'm ready to commit to the idea that i'm a calculated cheat as yet. I've always made decisions based on emotions and have never let logic get much of a look-in - and I find the idea that I 'accidentally' got into an A because of feelings easier to swallow than the concept that I went out looking for it. I really don't know what i'm going to do. Getting into an A still seems less messy and less cruel than splitting with H but i'm sure there are more than enough stories around to say otherwise. I think AP is enjoying the excitement, sexual tension - and primarily the ego boost after his breakup. He's very outgoing but quite insecure and needs constant validation. Whatever he feels, the more I write the more I can see how this wont end up being fun :/ He's not short of female attention and has a FB now which i've got jealous about at times. I feel bad for not sorting out my feelings before things got sexual but I know I need to make a decision, whatever that might be, and then logically carry out the actions that will go along with it. I always feel like logic is lying though :( hate coldness and I hate having to pretend I feel something other than what I do. I'll keep you all updated anyway :/ ! I need to have a really good think this weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 03-16-2013 - 6:31pm

No it's not more cruel to get a divorce when the marriage is not meeting your needs than it is to have an affair behind your DH's back unless you discuss it honestly & your DH agreed to an open marriage.  I thin it's obvious that all this happened because you are unhappy at home but you don't want to deal with that issue realistically and this is an escape.  There is also a mismatched libidos board & you could read there about people's stories and how they deal with that issue.  If you realize that you would be doomed to a sexless marriage if you stayed w/ your DH and you don't want that, then you deal with that--you could tell him that is a deal breaker for you, you are sorry, but you're too young to live like that for the rest of your life.

I think you should just cut off communication with this guy for now--maybe his trip to his country would be a good opportunity to do that. You are emotionally involved with him but it doesn't seem like he is with you.  I can't see that path leading to anything that's going to make you happy.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 10:15am

Welcome!

I agree...I don't see the path with this man leading to any happiness for you.  You are too invested emotionally, and it seems the sex chat leads to more unhappiness.  You know you want it, but there is guilt and unhappiness afterward. 

I think you need to reevaluate what you have with him and decide them.  Him going home is a good thing for you right now.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2013
Tue, 03-19-2013 - 8:18pm

Thanks guys :)

I haven't made much progress on talking to my H or analyzing my marriage since I last wrote. I can't bear confrontation and hate that I'll have to hurt him. I actually reached breaking point over the sex thing on vacation last summer, said I couldn't take it anymore and we should go our separate ways, and he pretended he hadn't heard and insisted we go and do the sightseeing we had planned :/ I just buried myself in bed at this point and he called me a 'f***** crap wife anyway' then pretended later he hadn't said it. Wow. Writing that down it sounds pretty dysfunctional.

| think I feel somehow entitled to have an affair as any effort to discuss it is met with defensive anger or latterly, denial and complete refusal to discuss it from him. I had another issue a while back with the relationship I wanted to talk to him about, but let him know he wouldn't like it and his response was basically, 'oh well, we don't need to know everything about each other, i'd keep it to yourself'. I get this is a typical male attitude to avoid drama, but in a marriage :/ ?

I suppose reading that it's going to be hard to justify why i'm staying but from day to day, we get on well. And he's sweet, kind, caring, strong, intelligent...all he's really wanted for a long time is kids/nice house/family life and I don't think I can take that from him :( at his age meeting someone else he could have kids with would be so unlikely.

As for the 'AP'  - I kept my behaviour cool but pleasant on Mon and had managed a calm smile by the end of the day. I was off work today and he messaged me at lunch asking where I was - I replied as briefly as I could without being rude. I'm feeling much more 'zen' and in control now...I still have moments - I expected more of a response today then fely silly when I didn't get it. But ultimately i've realised he's not going to give me what I want/need and he's not someone i'd date if I were single anyway. I'm not proud of myself for this...but also i'm taking revenge in seeing him become needy ;) there were plenty more moody teenager looks thrown in the direction of anyone who spoke to me on Mon...and he looked like he was about to cry wtih relief when I finally looked at him and smiled. Mr. Player obviously doesn't like being played back ;) I know it's not that simple given my marital status though and really I should't have expected anything from him, so I must concentrate on reality and just keep on being cooly civil.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 9:39am

Even though you haven't made much progress with H, there really isn't any timeline.  A lot is going on with you and you should think things through and get your bearings together anyway.  I don't like confrontation either, but being prepared helps.

I think all of our marriages have dysfunctional moments.  We had a few yesterday.  lol  Sometimes we all say things that are mean and we shouldn't.  I am not defending him, and it wasn't right.  Just saying that there is dysfuncionality everywhere.  (Is that even a word? Tongue Out)

You don't have to justify why you stay or have an A to any of us.  It is your life and your decisions.  And we all want to be happy and feel wanted.  You do it for you.

Keep up the calm smiles with AP.  You control how you want to feel.  Believe me when I say this.  You can be civil and keep your dignity. 

 

 

 

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2013
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 6:55am

This makes me sadface -

periclymenum wrote:
I actually reached breaking point over the sex thing on vacation last summer, said I couldn't take it anymore and we should go our separate ways, and he pretended he hadn't heard and insisted we go and do the sightseeing we had planned :/ I just buried myself in bed at this point and he called me a 'f***** crap wife anyway' then pretended later he hadn't said it. Wow. Writing that down it sounds pretty dysfunctional.

| think I feel somehow entitled to have an affair as any effort to discuss it is met with defensive anger or latterly, denial and complete refusal to discuss it from him. I had another issue a while back with the relationship I wanted to talk to him about, but let him know he wouldn't like it and his response was basically, 'oh well, we don't need to know everything about each other, i'd keep it to yourself'. I get this is a typical male attitude to avoid drama, but in a marriage :/ ?

I suppose reading that it's going to be hard to justify why i'm staying but from day to day, we get on well. And he's sweet, kind, caring, strong, intelligent...all he's really wanted for a long time is kids/nice house/family life and I don't think I can take that from him :( at his age meeting someone else he could have kids with would be so unlikely.

I really feel for you. Mainly because I totally understand those really awful moments happen, but can be mixed with an otherwise "normal" day to day life. And I know that it's so hard to weigh up when the bad stuff outweighs the good... (unfortunately the bad stuff often feels heavier)

I think regardless of whether you actively choose to persue an affair, regardless of the character of the guy you happen to have started it with, it really highlights some important communication issues in your relationship. Do you think your husband would consider going to therapy with you?

Sometimes there's a fine line between someone being childish and spitting the dummy, and emotional abuse.. that one took me a long time to learn personally.. (she says, thinking that maybe sometimes she forgets this valuable lesson... ;) ) I really feel like being called an f'ing crap wife is over the top... that's awful... and him not admitting it and apologising is pretty awful too.... but, I'm assuming he's embarrassed he's acted that way, and that's why he's denying it. Does he say other things like this, or act out like that very often?

It's really hard to approach the topic of sex (or lack of) in a relationship without making the other person feel inadequate.... but at the same time, you need to have a way of communicating with each other without the defensive/shutting off behaviour... otherwise you're going nowhere... you need to look after yourself and your needs...

Thanks for sharing, thinking of you and keen to hear an update if you're up to it.

x

Currently researching for our project, Affair Understanding.
Keen to connect with others wanting to discuss their experiences in having an affair.
Feel free to PM me any questions :)