Invited Out in Public with my AP
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| Tue, 02-16-2010 - 9:44pm |
Having a hard time today...can't stop the tears and I thought it might be a good time to post and ask for some opinions and advice about my situation. I have been seeing my AP for about 16 months now. He was a friend from the past that I met up with again in a bar - someone I never was interested in but that night the sparks flew. We are both in our late 30s - he's common law with 2 children, I am married with a daughter I adore.
This affair has been a huge struggle for me. Very emotional and never feeling really like I know where I stand with him - a rollercoaster of very happy when I see/hear from him and then feeling sad and confused. I have never asked where I stand with him for fear of appearing too clingy, desperate. Our contact has been inconsistent. Texting maybe once a week, phone calls here and there and getting together maybe once every couple of months. When we are together, if feel so right. Excellent conversation, so much in common and the chemistry between us is electric - physically it is amazing. Like nothing I have ever felt. When we are together, I feel like he feels the same. But then there are the text messages I send to him (and I am very careful not to send a ton

Thank you for your reply - yes, it is so cruel. I woke up this morning hoping that I would hear something but no. I am pretty sure he is on a business trip so there was plenty of time to text me back. The tears won't stop. I don't get it - I go over the night in my mind a million times and everything seemed great - even the text message he sent me on my way home saying he thought I was awesome. To just ignore me hurts so bad. I really shows he doesn't care about me and I don't know why. He knows me from the past and that I am a good, kind person (maybe his opinion has changed of me since I am doing what I am doing?). I haven't pressured him over the 16 months. I would rather hear from
Hi Kelugirl,
I am so sorry you are feeling so low right now. I know how confusing and frustrating it is when you don't hear from your AP, especially not getting any reply when you've made contact with him. It doesn't necessarily sound to me like he's "using" you, though. He may be under the impression that you are just in it for a good time, too. Have you discussed this with him ever? It sounds like you may be much more emotionally attached to the A than he is. Did you two ever lay any ground rules?
I've been in an A for five months, but it is LD. However, your situation sounds a lot like mine in respect to seeing each other only every couple of months and emails once a week or so. We seldom talk on the phone. In the beginning he emailed constantly--several times a day! But after our second rendevouz, it was a week before I heard from him again and I was devestated during that time. I cried, too, thinking what did I do?? He was so hot for me in the beginning. I felt like a stupid, used, bimbo. But alas, he finally did email and then we were hot and heavy for days. I've come to accept that's what it's like with him. He's M and has a very important and busy job. He can't always be available for me. When I finally accepted that, I began not to worry when I didn't hear from him every day. That doesn't mean I was happy about it, I just accepted it and quit taking it as a rejection from him.
I am not in love with my AP. We were lovers 20 years ago (in an A and both M) and we reconnected five months ago after not having seen or spoken to each other in all that time. It has been exhilirating and crazy...both of us feeling like we're in our 20s again!! Like I said, I am not in love with him but I am very fond of him. In our case, we are both getting our egos stroked and yes, by gawd, the sex is amazing!! I, too, have grown very far apart from my H. We've been married 27 years and we are perfectly great roommates. No passion and almost no sex. So I do not feel too terribly guilty "playing" with my AP. The only rule we've established is that when either one of us "comes to our senses" we are to let the other know, rather than just letting the correspondence die. I feel just like you in the sense that I'd rather just know he wanted to end it rather than wait hopefully and hopelessly for any sign of communication from him. That is the WORST feeling.
Hang in there. Ask yourself what you want from this A. Be honest with yourself. Do you think he's going to "rescue" you from your unhappy marriage? That's probably not going to happen. You are the only one who can
Thank you so much ALWAYST for taking the time to share your story with me. And thank you so much for making me feel like I am not being used by my AP. I really, truly hope I am not. I have gotten used to the sporatic contact but its still hard but the ignoring of my text messages just hurts - it tells me that I am not imporant or cared about. Even a quick message back saying "I am thinking about you too" would hold me over. Again, I am so careful not to send many, to think carefully about what I say so he doesn't feel like I am pressuring him. When I don't hear from him, the rejection feelings come back full force and then the constant wondering WHY and blaming, analysing myself. Maybe he does think I am just in it for a good time but after 16 months he should have a better indication of the person I am
Kelugirl,
After 16 months, your AP is probably very comfortable with the relationship. In ALL relationships, that initial
Hi kelugirl,
I so know how you're feeling...I've been on this rollercoaster ride for almost three years now and I still feel some (all) of the things you've talked about. I've gone really nuts at times, and then I worry and worry that I've ruined everything and he'll never talk to me again. He always comes back though (thank god!). Long story short (feel free to read some of my posts to get a better idea) I was married for 25 years, had A with AP/BF, fell head over heels in love with him (in about 5 minutes) and left my husband. I am now divorced, and he's stayed in his marriage. Lucky me, eh?
The first flush is over, and now he shows me his love by doing small things to make my life easier. He's brought things for my apartment to make it more efficient, he bought me a huge planter for my deck...and he buys me staples for my kitchen every once in a while. I know that I'm a pretty lucky woman, and yet I still absolutely lose my mind if I don't hear from him on a regular basis.
Our R is slightly different in that we ARE considered a couple amongst our friends..we are out together all the time at the pub. People have even thought that I'm his wife! I feel just like you do, so unbelievably happy when we're together, but no matter how great a time we have together, or how long we're together at any given time...when he leaves to go home I am totally miserable. I can't help it, but I cry every time I watch him drive away. If I don't hear from him right away I start imagining all kinds of things...it's really ridiculous. You would think that I would feel more secure after all this time, and yet I don't.
I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. A lot of us feel like you do on a fairly regular basis...but hang in there and come back to let it all out as often as you'd like, or need to. We understand.
benska
So true alwayst!
I just read an article on this very subject. The name of the article is "5 Things Women Don't Know About Boyfriends". Boyfriends/AP's...same diff to me :O)
Here is an excerpt: The more serious a relationship gets, the less a man will reassure you.
When you and your sweetie were in the early stages of romance, he might have randomly shown up at your door with flowers or called to check in while he was out with the boys. Nowadays, you have to nudge him to pick up chocolates for your birthday. What gives?
Well for one, back then, Mr. Smooth was trying to woo you. "During courtship, a man will pull out all the stops to win you over," explains Scott Haltzman, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University. "At the same time, he'll gauge your reactions to these overtures for affirmation that the feelings are mutual." Once he's certain you're smitten, he doesn't need to conduct these little love tests anymore. Take it from Angela,* 30, whose boyfriend has recently retired his Prince Charming routine. "When we first started dating, Franco showed up at my office with calla lilies, blindfolded me, and whisked me off to a bed-and-breakfast for the weekend. Four years later, I still get the bouquet but not the elaborate production. It makes me wonder if his feelings aren't as strong."
Deep breaths, Angela. Franco's devotion hasn't dwindled. "When a man is confident his relationship is solid, he enters a comfort zone," says Dr. Haltzman. "He'll stop doing those extras because he doesn't need them and assumes you don't either." Unfortunately, this leaves you feeling insecure.
Relax. You can get the reassurance you need if you learn to look for it in other ways. "Men are more likely to rely on simple day-to-day actions rather than sweeping romantic gestures to say 'I love you,' " says Dr. Haltzman. But if you're not looking for these subtle signs, they're easy to miss. Skipping a night out with friends to go to your great-aunt's 95th birthday party might not seem as romantic as a pair of diamond earrings, but essentially the message is identical: He wants to make you happy. Same goes for filling your car with gas, gluing the broken heel back onto your favorite shoes…you get the picture.
I am fortunate in that while it's not quite as hot and heavy as it was during the first year or so...whenever we're alone together in my bedroom...the heat and fire is there, in SPADES! I truly believe that when we're making love to each other, it just makes us feel that much closer to each other...I really do. It's not all about the sex mind you, but it's very intimate and special to both of us. He doesn't have to woo me anymore, he has me...for the rest of his life if he wants :0)
benska
Thank you again for all your posts. I have struggled through the week. The tears haven't stopped. Its been a week and not a word from my AP. I am really devastated. Even though our contact has been sporatic over the time we have been seeing each other, this is different.
CHERISHING - I haven't told him how my lack of response makes me feel. He could be clueless - that is true. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him when I saw him last weekend but the opportunity did not present itself and now I am glad I didn't. It would have been humiliating to have said what I wanted and then been ignored.
How could I have been so wrong about our night - I watched, observed...everything really did seem so amazing from his words to his actions to the text I got after I left. I can't figure out why he would just be gone (he's been on Facebook - he's alive) without explanation. Did his friend(s) say something, is there other women, was it something about me? I don't understand - when someone doesn't have 1 minute of their week to respond to my text or send me a quick hello or even tell me goodbye, then it speaks volumes. So hurt...I thought after all this time and knowing me, that he cared somewhat.
ALWAYST
Kelugirl, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I have to disagree with you when you said you now know you aren't important at all to him. If you weren't important to him in some way, you wouldn't have been together for 16 months and he wouldn't have wanted to see you out in public with his friends. I really think you two need to talk and decide what you both want from the A. Men and women are so very different and interpret things so differently. Communication is vital to any type of