It all boils down to this for me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
It all boils down to this for me...
4
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 11:42am
I know where I stand with MM. And although he/we have never discussed this- my take on it is this: I provide let's say the 'naughty' stuff that the good, reliable" wife and mom" spouse-type does not after 10 yrs of marriage. Nothing more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:29pm
vles,

Are you sure about this? If you haven't actually had this discussion, how you you "know" this to be true?

My OW thought this at one point. And she stewed about it for a week or two before finally telling me she felt like she was just my plaything sometimes and that I only wanted her around because she would do things my W wasn't really interested in.

But the truth is that my sexuality with her is just different. We share similar wild interests and preferences and my W doesn't. We have the kind of sex we do because that's what we both want. But it's also more than that. The reason it took me a long time to leave my W is because I felt bad for her, and I still do. Right now she's laid up in bed sick and it's all I can do not to go take care of her just because I care about her so much. Doesn't mean I want her back.

Consider having the conversation and really listening to what MM has to say. It might be what you expect, it might be different. But for your own peace of mind you should have the conversation.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:04pm
vles64,

I've had this conversation with MM many times. My thinking on it was, I am not acting in a very respectable manner, so I assumed that he had no respect for me. Which, honestly I felt I fully deserved. I didn't want to "examine" what I was doing too closely. I told him that I am doing this only because I want to be with him and there is no other way. A form of justification I know, but the only way I could deal with what is happening. The first time we were together, it actually ended in a fight....for this very topic. I considered myself a plaything......he had never crossed the line to an A before and he felt very guilty, but did tell me, not like he thought he would because it was with someone that he cared so much about. So basically, we BOTH had those feelings.

Maybe you need to not think about it so much, do what Rain suggests and discuss it with MM. It's not anything that should be sooo heavy that he cannot handle the converstation, I don't think it's pushing any boundaries. I know that MM and I've discussed the sexual openess that we feel with each other and I've even teased about being his "plaything". I assure you, as did Rain, this is not always what they are thinking. I've come to look at it like it's this closeness that we are sharing, something that we have, and maybe it's OURS and not something that we each share with our spouses. I know that neither of us have this same kind of sexual freedom at home, we realized it and we talked about it. (Not saying I didn't blush a few times). Give MM a chance and realize that maybe you are his partner in something....... it's a good thing he is open about this with you...

(((((HUGS)))))

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:05pm
Yep. Nothing is for sure unless and until it's been discussed. I've made way too many wrong assumptions in my relationship and the saddest part of it that I was SURE they were correct.

Don't expect him to get your hints, Vles. He won't. If you want to get your answers you have to speak up. You might be surprised at how wrong you've been assuming that he feels the way you think he does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 8:37pm
I don't know what I think he feels for me if anything. See my post. "Confused and Clear at the same time...."

that will sum it up better I believe...