Is it chronic cheating or bad timing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Is it chronic cheating or bad timing?
4
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 12:48pm
What do most people think about their A in general...do you think that your A is a result of the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' theory, or simply a result of bad timing?

I know all situations are different, but I'm just wondering what most people here think since we are all currently in As -- I'm assuming that being in an A would change your thinking (it certainly has changed mine!!). Just wondering.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 12:57pm
.


Edited 10/1/2004 6:46 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 1:19pm
Depends on what bad timing is - it can be said of all affairs - they that all are badly timed. For me - it couldn't have come at a better or worse time for that matter. It just happened - did not even plan for it or even think I will have one. A was one of things that I heard other people had and did not think one way or another about it. I do not have a parent or a close member of my family(that I know of) that I heard cheated. So I was oblivious or kind of sheltered from it all. It just happened to others.

Now, I think I see and hear more about it - a lot of things have changed about my perception. I have learned not to judge any thing or anybody regardless of whether they are in on not in an EMA. I don't believe - "once acheater always a cheater" applies to everybody. Sure there are some serial cheaters - but not all of them are like that. Also cheating as in a spouse is given way too much importance to judging somebody's character. What about people who are habitual liars (who are not cheating with their spouses), or people who are contantly competing with friends or what about people who are abusers in a relationship, or even control freaks who supress their partners by putting them down or ignoring them? There are so many people that I see in my day to day life that do even have common decency to let another person as they wish to be with out putting their two cents in, or some others who are so selfish who cannot think of anything but themselves. Don't you think that these people also cause a lot of heartache and pain wherever they go whether be it in the office or at home? That's why it the overall character that matters to me - than just one little aspect of somebody's life. I know that applies to me and I will apply it to everybody else too. One thing that comes to mind on all this is quote

"Be concerned with your chareacter than your reputation, becuase you character is what you really are and your reputation is merely what others think you are"

JMHO....


Edited 11/13/2003 1:20:38 PM ET by autumnbreeze_iv

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 1:19pm
hey charlotte -- i'm always surprised when i think about "having an affair" for such a long time (3+ years). when this A started, i definitely expected a one-time encounter because MM and i were sexually deprived in our primary Rs, and we were friends and knew each other's R problems. but the first time was so great that we said "one more time" and that one time became two, three, 20, 50 times! we've kept it up for way longer than i ever thought possible. and eventually i thought MM would have the guilts and end it, but he says he's in for the long haul and doesn't ever want to lose me. it just keeps getting better and better, more intimacy and great sex. but that's it, no future, no plans other than meeting next week. i have no illusions about that. and as i just posted, i don't think i would want to start a long-term exclusive R with MM, he and i. i don't think he would trust me, ever! i would trust him because he and i would have great sex and i wouldn't take advantage of him, nor would i let him control me, like he does with his W.

in the past, i haven't been faithful in any of my long-term relationships since my divorce. but those times were one-time, being away from home events. this is my first "affair"! jeez, i left my marriage so i could sleep around!! i had been with my H (only BF before getting married!) for 20 years. i started feeling attraction for other men at the end of my marriage and knew i would be straying so i ended the M.

i went into this A because i had a need for the attention MM was giving me, and later for the affection and sex with MM that i wasn't getting at home and the same for MM. i do know that i feel much freer with MM -- it's all out in the open, no holds barred, insofar as the sexual experimentation and we do tell each other everything, lots of honesty and communication, which for some odd reason, i can't seem to do with BF. i just don't feel free enough to be myself with BF. everytime i did something for me, like get a small tattoo (BF left me for 3 days!!) or even wear a nail color i like and BF didn't, there would be a "discussion" making me feel like i was stupid for wanting what i want/did. i always feel like he's going to judge me or disapprove if i ask for something from him out of the ordinary. i do love my BF but like most of the ladies on the board, i'm not in love with him. it's the comfortableness of the R that takes precedence now.

okay, that's way too much introspection for me. i'm done now!

gurl

Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 11-13-2003 - 1:31pm
It's so cool that you asked this cause I was just wondering the same thing. I know it is partly timing- I was incredibly lonely with H gone traveling for work. Probably wouldn't have become best friends with MM. But then he said to me one time that it would have happened anyways- we are so much alike and both desperately missing the affection and attention from our marriages and it freaked me out. I mean I am huge advocate of never never cheating, sticking it out no matter what, zero tolerance- HA! What a hypocrite, I know. But then I really thought about it and realized I had wanted the attention and had really seeked it out- so I don't know. I'm starting to think that maybe it's me. How's that for an answer, huh?? LOL