It hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
It hurts
4
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 1:49pm
Hi,

I'm new here and come seeking advice/support.

I don't know where to begin.

I've been married for 4 years. To be honest, it's always been an unstable marriage, but for whatever reason, I/he kept coming back.

Things have shifted dramatically now there.

A few weeks ago, a friend of my husband's told me he's always liked me since he was introduced. Much talk followed. Then, all of a sudden he kissed me. Evertually, throughout the night, things went further. Following the the first week, we had really no contact. Then, we starting chatting online. He came on strong.

This past Friday, we were all out on a bar. And before we know it we'd slipped off and, well, you know what happened. I ended up back at his place.

Anyway, the next day, he was full of guilt and in a way, is giving me the cold shoulder.

My husband knows about that happened a few weeks ago, but not Friday. He left me yesterday.

I don't know to do. I can't separate out my feelings. I'm so confused. Do I like this other guy? Or was he just a 'vehicle' to make me realise my marraige was long over.

He's now saying I misread him, but I know I didn't. He asked me at one stage (on email) if we could get together, that he'd really like to see me again - this is just a small part of what he has said. I know I did not misread him.

But this 'cold' shoulder is hurting. I feel like a fool, but my gut tells me this guy is speaking out of guilt.

I'm lost for words right now.

Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: yorkshirepud2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 2:41pm
Hi Yorkshire...

You did not misread your OM, and frankly, he's a cad. Forget him.

Step back and separate out things... did your H leave you because of what happened with you and OM? Not likely. It might be a convenient excuse, or the proverbial straw, but the first thing you said was that your M was already rocky.

Are you going to work on your M and earning your H's trust back? Do you want to? Or is it over and do you need to focus on moving on? These are the issues you should be grappling with, not "what's up with OM?" Because it doesn't matter right now whether OM is in or out of the picture. What matters is that you need to get head on straight for what YOU want and pursue that course.

And what you want is independent of what your H wants, independent of what your OM wants. It's all about you.

Good luck,

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
In reply to: yorkshirepud2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 3:20pm
Thanks Lily,

Your words make much sense. Thank you.

What I did with this guy, I know, what a result of a poor marriage not true feelings towards him. He opened up my eyes to wait I've needed for a long time - FREEDOM, the old me, the excitement.

I think H left because of what happened with the OM, but I also know somewhere down the line, he or I would of left sooner or later. We just don't bring out the best in each other.

I realise what OM did was dishourable and I know he's suffering because of it. Part of me regrets what happened, but I also feel glad my eyes have been opened sooner in my marriage than later (i.e. we have no kids yet).

I also truly believe the OM does have feelings for me, but I also realise we are in am impossible situation. Hell, I don't even know whether I would want to pursue anything with him.

I guess I'm just finding it so hard to sit myself down and figure out what I want, what I need and must do. I don't know where to start.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: yorkshirepud2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 3:59pm
Yorkshire,

you have started. You're writing and thinking it out as you post. I know a few people here keep journals of some kind to work out their thoughts. This is not something you're going to sit down and work out in a night, so don't even try. Let time do its own work, while you sift through what was good and bad in your M, what the next steps are for maintaining or ending your M, and what the next steps are for you.

Your OM may be running scared but I stand by the "cad" statement! lol... you deserve something stronger and better than THAT.

And there is no need, no reason to decide if you want anything with him anyway. Not right now. You first have to work through what's going to happen with your M, and what YOU want next for you.

I write things out when I get confused. I have a confidante who hears all my mental ramblings (poor thing... has patience), and one or two confidantes who hear *some* of my mental wanderings... and I have a notebook filled with me "talking through" stuff just for myself. Between all that writing and thinking and sorting, I can get to a pretty clear-headed place... sometimes in days, sometimes weeks and sometimes months.

Good luck to you. Hope to see you around here more.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
In reply to: yorkshirepud2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 4:21pm
I just feel so alone. My situtation is difficult because I left my home country to be with H and all my friends I met through him. I have so much to lose, yet I know, staying in a marraige for the sake of 'fringe benefits' will not solve anything. I'm just scared of the future right now. I'm a strong person, that much I have, but I know I don't yet realise the strength I'm going to need to get through this and come out on top or at least, okay.

I guess from OM, I just need to know that I wasn't just a challenge. I can't blame him for my marriage ending, but nor can I believe what we did was for the sake of doing it.