It hurts (LONG)
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| Tue, 01-05-2010 - 11:54pm |
Ok, here I am again, upset, sad, mad, hurting. I've posted a bunch of times and I'm sure its getting old hearing from me, but I have nowhere else to vent. The latest:
BF has been telling me for about a month he had a private business function (he's in the entertainment business) he had to do NYE and the following 2 days. He said he was sorry, but I could not go with because it was business and no one in the group was allowed to bring a SO. Ok, I get that, they are the entertainment, not the guests.
About a week before, I started feeling really sad that I wouldn't get to see him NYE. I understood, but told him how I felt and was to the point of tears. He said sorry, wished it were different, but its not and he cannot take me the first 2 days, but I could probably go the third day. I asked if he could please come over after he's done there NYE (really late like 5 AM) or come over the next afternoon at least. He said it was going to be really late and he was just going to go home after. The next day it was the same thing, no SO's invited, tired, going home, etc.
Saturday rolls around and he tells me I can go with. He got paid earlier in the day for the job and doesn't care if I'm "supposed" to be there or not. Basically acting like he's risking getting the client mad by having someone with.
I get to the place and one of the other wives I know in that group is there. I sit with her for a minute and could immediately tell something was not right. She asked how my NYE was, I paused, and then she asked why I wasn't there the past 2 nites. Somewhat confused, I ask if she has been there the last 2 nites when I wasn't invited, and she said yes. So I just flat out asked her what I had been thinking, "Was here with someone?" She let out almost what could be considered a sigh of relief and said "YES!" I said, hm, I had a strong suspicion and then said, his roommate? She said "OMG, I was wondering if you knew about her. I was having nightmares about it last nite and didn't know if I should tell you!" I cursed and almost started crying on the spot, but pulled it together.
Of course I continued my conversation with this lady and asked what she knew. She told me she knew the "roommate" (I'll refer to the roommate as "N") and my BF for a few years now, but hadn't seen N in about a year. She wasn't sure if N was still really in the picture or not up until the other nite when she saw her. She said when she saw N she was hoping she had changed and was mean/unlikable, but she reported N was pretty nice. I asked if my BF kissed N, put his arm around her, etc and was told she didn't really see anything, but BF would usually walk outside the area with N. She thinks there was/is something more than roommates going on, but didn't see anything that would make it definite. She also thinks that N probably doesn't know anything about me. N told her that she was glad to be out because she hasn't been able to go to any of these functions in a long time (cuz I'm there usually!) and N did not ask her any probing questions. So again, either N is totally naive which I'm actually starting to think is the case, or she really just doesn't want to know details about what's going on.
This same lady told me that the nite before, her H said my BF left N out front while he(my BF) went in back to text me for 15 minutes at a time. She commented that after knowing my BF socially for a few years now that "he's kinda a jerk" and that I can do soooo much better. She said just watching the way he treats me/interacts with me (which she has seen for about 3 hours a week for the last several months) that he treats me like a dog, not an equal.
She wanted to know if N knew the situation, too, and for a moment was contemplating a way we could arrange an "accidental run in" between her, me, and him. She told me where N works if I ever wanted to meet her. I really have nothing against N, I have no reason to be mad at her...it's HIM. If anything, I feel bad for her if she's living like I am, plus that I could be causing her problems.
I didn't want to totally lose it right then and there and cause a scene in front of clients/get others in trouble, plus needed time to think this thru. BF and I got to my place and I asked why the other guy's wife was there and had been there the whole time. He came up with some story about how she wasn't supposed to be, but basically invited herself along, twice, and her husband didn't stop her. BS! I confronted him about some other changing details of the story he had been telling me and of course it was just me "misunderstanding".
He said he doesn't see why I would be mad at him, he was just following the rules, it wasn't like he had anyone there! OMG! LIAR! He said, he could see how I could be mad at HER for going, but not at him because, "I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't." OMG!! I almost went off, but didn't want to tell him I knew because if I did I would be jeopardizing the job of the guy who's wife told me this info (BF helps get that guy a lot of work and their family really needs money right now). So I held back. The roommate being there part of the story is going to come out this weekend. I have a plan for getting it out without implicating this lady/ruining her husband's job.
I'm so mad. The confrontation will happen this weekend (delayed, but basically the only way I have figured to do it without ruining jobs). I'm sure there will be plenty of excuses. I plan to start out with, "Is there anything you want to tell me about NYE?" Of course that will be a confused look followed by no. "Tell me, you weren't supposed to bring anyone, right? Then why was your roommate there?! Tell me again how you didn't do anything wrong!"
I'm at home, NYE basically ruined, crying, trying to have a good time despite it, and he's out with someone who he's just paying rent to, while his GF (me) is not with him?!? Something is not right! So mad, but already sad at the thought of not having him in my life.
I need/will confront him. His timeline was up this week for the talk we were to have re: his lack of action moving out...this is just something that should make it that much easier to end. The stupid part, I'm already missing the thought of his text messages, going out doing things with him, and more. How can I miss someone or want someone that screwed me over like that?!? I must be insane, but know I'm used to this type of abusive behavior. Also recently read this article posted on one of the boards here and I'm sure it sums it up:( http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/why-women-stay-with-controlling-men/ ) While this guy isn't really that controlling, the reasons certainly apply for me.
I think a good part of the reason I continue to do this is because I'm lonely. I have almost no friends here and have made him a fairly big part of my life and the thought of being alone on the weekends scares and depresses me. I know I don't have to be alone; heck, I had 4 different guys ask me out and give me their numbers NYE as I sat at a bar alone. I could give them a call if I wanted attention. I have texted back and forth a few times with one, but really don't care. It's not what I want. I don't need to be jumping into the arms of another guy. It will spell disaster ultimately and I'm just not ready to let anyone in. I'm already finding myself comparing other guys to him as being "not as good"...there's gotta be better ones! lol Yet, I don't want to be lonely. I'm going to have to start finding stuff to fill my time...maybe take a couple of classes for fun or something.
I'm so confused. I go between being so mad and then being so sad, lonely, desperate, depressed, and having what I can only describe as major separation anxiety. The last couple days when I'm with him I've been hurting. I want/need to confront him but at the same time don't want to be all alone. However, I shouldn't be a doormat, treated as second best, treated like an idiot! I'm so crushed right now.

Im sooooo sorry TAG. ((((hugs))))
It seems all those unanswered questions you have, you now know the answer to. You need to let him go no matter how hard it is. He has led you on for so long and been playing the both of you. N seems to be as unaware of his behavior so its no fault of hers. As bad as you feel, at least you saved yourself further heartache as if he moved in with you to appease you, you may have had a flip-flopper- him running between the 2 of you.
I sincerely hope that you get the strength to stop this with AP now. He has shown you his true self and its mean and self serving. If he loved you, he would be honest at least and tell you he had N and needs to leave. All the while he has pretended she was nobody and i am sure he talks about you the same way to her.
Be strong and go wth your instinct. Dont let his words smooth over the wrongs and even if you end up alone, you have your life back and can persue a R with a man that holds you as his first priority.
Blessings TAG.
SB
So sorry you are going through this. Coming to the realization (even though deep down we KNOW) that your BF is not what you thought is so hard to accept because it means the guy you love does not exist. The guy you are going to miss is a facade. For him to lie to your face, leave you home so he can have both of you stinks. He is selfish and uncaring. While I feel badly that this happened I am glad you found out before he can hurt you anymore. In the past I had relationships where i really really liked the guy only to find out he lied and was not at all what he portrayed himself to be. of course you will miss certain aspects but you DO deserve better and I agree N is getting screwed over probably just as much as you are. You need to ask yourself what redeeming quality this guy has that you would really want to keep him? Anything? Once you break it off, soon after you will look back and thank God that you got out. No one deserves to be treated like that. Good luck. We are here for you.
I know you are right, nolove. I'm sure that maybe a couple of months after I break it off I will see the light and realize it's for the better. Right now, I can only think about right now and the near future. I'm a mess.
Redeeming qualities? Most of those have to do with either the "idea" of him or aren't necessarily about him specifically (e.g. attention, affection, etc.) The one major redeeming quality is the S. OMG. LOL, sorry if that's tmi. Guess that's probably one of the major things that keeps me holding on, that and the certainty he'll be around even if it is painful at times. One of the people on the EAS board had a tagline or posted a quote that read, "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." I think that's where I am. I suffered like this for years before this guy with my xH cheating on me repeatedly. Eventually, somehow, I had enough of that suffering and managed to walk away. But, look what I walked into.
I'm really starting to doubt myself and wonder what is wrong with me after 2 long-term relationships in a row that have a similar outcome. My BF and xH are so totally different in so many ways, but I guess at the core are probably warped/the same type of person. I just don't see how someone could do this.
After the S comment, I'm starting to back off the idea of totally ending it. LOL. I don't know if I could do "friends" though. Some days I think I could easily and it would be easier to have him sort of in my life than not at all; other days I think I couldn't/just not worth it. Don't know if "friends" will prolong the inevitable and make it that much harder when/if things really do end/go NC or if it will make it an easier transition or what. I'm so stuck, sick, confused, you name it...lol
torn,
I'm so sorry this happened,
Thanks, caribu.
torn,
I know exactly how you feel. When I was angry enough to break up with xap, I was sooo ready and was going to do it. I was supposed to see him on the day I was angry and of course the plans were cancelled. The next day, I started feeling sad at the thought of losing him, I got all mushy and begin to doubt that I could do it. I ended up doing it like one week later. I was so anxious and torn(no pun intended lol). I cried the whole week, felt sick to my stomach but I knew it had to be done. I was soo tired of the lies, and wondering what other woman may be in his life. I was tired of waiting to be chosen, like he was the best prize to ever come along. I felt like a puppy in a dog pound, saying choose me choose me. I'm better than that. He is the one that should want to be chosen by me. I'm a good d**n woman.
Anyway, like I said email me, b/c I know what you are going through and know you need to talk it out. I'm here for you, remember that. You can do this. I know you can. It's not easy and I still struggle and still want to see and talk to him but I try to remember that this R was headed straight into a dead end.
Tonite I was having a sort of tough evening. Plans got canceled, as I had somewhat expected they would. I just had a feeling. I'm almost certain he took his GF/FWB to a certain entertainment venue with him tonite. #$@*! ?
I had just started to settle in and decided I was going to make the best of my nite and do some reading when I got an unexpected text. It was a guy I had met NYE, asking me to go out. He had previously asked me out, I told him (briefly) my "situation" and after numerous times of him asking me out and me saying no, I figured he'd given up. Then after not hearing from him for well over a week, I get this text tonite asking me to a movie. I figured at this point, what do I really have to lose? So, I went. I had a nice time, we didn't talk a whole lot even after because he has to work very early this a.m., so he just headed home after. We held hands during the movie and after, we hugged quickly and parted ways. I sent him a text a while later saying thanks for getting me out of the house, goodnite. He replied that he had a nice time and maybe we could watch a movie at one of our places next time. Hm, don't think I'm comfortable enough for that.
Anyway! I'm not expecting or wanting anything out of this. But, it was just really nice to get the heck out of the house, especially in light of knowing AP/BF was likely up to b.s. games. As I sat there watching the movie, I didn't feel compelled to check my phone for texts from AP/BF, which was good. And for some reason, I didn't feel guilty going out this time, like I did the last (first) time I went out on a date. I also realized for the first time that I can have a good time and feel comfortable with someone else other than AP/BF. That was almost a shock and an eye opener. Again, I suppose its not HIM that I think I'd miss, it's having someone to do stuff with and missing the person I basically built him up to be in my own mind...the IDEA of him, not him so much. Yes, there are things about him personally I'd miss, but it's probably more this person I created.
All in all going out tonite was a good experience. It was a good distraction if nothing else. I think this may help move me in the direction being able to comfortably call a relationship time of death with AP/BF. Or at least let me have a "fun" relationship with AP/BF and not feel like I'm wasting my life waiting for him. It let's me feel like I am important, have things to do, and will not sit around waiting/being miserable just because/for AP/BF. I'm not saying this guy tonite is the reason for ending...believe me, he's not all that and I'm so not looking for another relationship...lol. But, it was just an eye opening experience.
I was sorry to hear how you had been feeling over NYE and what had been happening with you.
I was glad to hear that you had a nice evening out with someone sometimes it is nice to get out of the house.