Is it over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2009
Is it over?
15
Tue, 08-11-2009 - 7:13pm

I don't even know where to begin this post. I have tried to be very realistic about this relationship. really. It began quickly and it feels like it is ending quicker. more like a one night stand. and I guess that is what hurts me the most.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 12:52am

I'm so

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Wed, 08-12-2009 - 8:40am

I sympathize with what's going on with you. I can tell you're suffering a lot.

Have you come outright and asked if his feelings have changed about having another physical encounter? Have you expressed your feelings to him the way you've expressed them to us? You say it's the friendship you miss the most. If that's true, then you have to get him to express his feelings about it all truthfully. If he can come out and admit that he has serious qualms about getting together again, then he won't have a reason to "avoid" contact with you, and maybe the friendship can continue. Right now, if he doesn't want to get together (and doesn't want to tell you), the only way he can make that happen is to avoid you and avoid writing too often.

But if he does share those feelings with you, you have to respect them and accept that maybe the physical part of it is too overwhelming for him.

Personally I don't think he's necessarily done this before, he may just be realizing that he can't handle it after all. But I could be wrong there.

I hope you get it all straightened out so that you can move forward with all the information you need to decide what to do!

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2009
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 11:42pm

Just wanted to post to thank you both for your kind words and thoughts. Just being able to write it out helps alot and I think feel more validated for at least getting the opportunity to share the situation if not figure out the solution.


I have been out of town taking one off to college and we had a great time getting new things for her dorm room, shopping all that school stuff. I forgot about everything and had fun with my daughter for awhile. I had sent ap a note asking if we could have a minute to chat while I would be driving back today, well this is what I wrote back to his lack of time...


"It doesn't sound easy shutting everything else out. I understand your need to do this. I just wish you would share sometime, and I really have some things to process only you can share. I'd like to get to know you and it wouldn't take much time, perhaps a five minute mes per week? I will try to write them out to be ready because most times I am thinking of you and next day I am onto a different question. I wanted to know your feelings as I navigate through my own. Not that there are any expectations with that in any way, (I promise don't freak) but I guess the intentions of seeing each other again someday is an expectation. That and everything looks different, I sometimes feel you might have rushed to place me within a box I am not to be. "


... I am trying to be aloof and writing that to him, I actually do feel more aloof for lack of a better word ... I ended up texting him and told him I was shopping with my daughter (I was) and said "I am shopping with my daughter, sorry I won't be able to chat today. I hope your good."

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 12:45am

You said something that struck me. You said you dont want to be in another R where that person isnt crazy about you. That is exactly how I feel. I want my partner to be in

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 11:49am

I haven't written or spoken with him in six days. I think in order for me to "heal" or move on I need some sort of closure to what the hell happened. Any suggestions for an email to send for closure?


I am going through alot of painful stuff right now, and I find it sad he is too busy to send an email to say how are you? . I have friends that I don't know as well who are kind enough to do so. His explanation is trying to get his business going, and he warned me of this because he said he has to be totally focused on that. So anything I do seems to have to beg for his attention, and that makes me feel horrible and feel one sided.


So the decision remains to accept this and let it fade into nothing? or say what to find some closure ? for as you can guess ending something that I don' t want to end. But ... then again I ask is it over? what do I write to him to make me feel better ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 3:29pm

I think his silence is a LOUD message that he's really not interested. He may have fantasized about sex with you all these years and (who knows), maybe the real thing didn't live up to his fantasy.

Really, how hard is it to send off a small message to keep you hanging in there if he's wanting to keep you around? My AP/BF can send a text to me even when he's in the OR. So, I know they can and will make the effort if they want to.

>>>"what do I write to him to make me feel better ?"<<<

You can write anything if it will help you as long as you're not expecting a response from him, because if he doesn't respond, then you'll just feel more rejected and lonely.

I would suggest. Journal everything you want to say to him but don't send it. As of now, it doesn't sound like he's wanting to hear any of it anyway. If and when he comes around again, then that's when you let him know what he did (distancing himself and ignoring you) was not nice and if he wants to resume any type of an R with you, something needs to change.

Meanwhile, you have lots to do. Find a way to resolve your M issues otherwise, get yourself out of it. Life is too short to be living it unhappily.

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 7:18pm
Some men are beast ~ They make believe there are so in love with you and we fall in love
“"Truer words were never spoken -" Ah, but true words leave hearts broken! Truth is only for the wise - Lovers ought to stick to lies”

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 11:24pm

Olive,


I know this is tough on you. I went through this with my AP at one point where I wasnt getting responses from him. It almost drove me off the deep end so I understand the pain you feel.


I would first come right out and ask your ap what the deal is? Say you need to know whether he wants to be with you or not. tell him there are no hard feelings on whatever he says but that you need closure on this situation so you can move on. He may not respond and that might make you feel worse. So you have to decide whether you can handle that

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 11:45pm

HI again, I just have to write you to thank you for your kind replies. It helps to write about it and reading about others makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one to think our situation is different. I was/am vulnerable and even knowing that seeing him again, I can't believe I wasn't able to see this. I have been married a long time and even being in a crappy marriage, I never thought I would have cheated on my husband. I am smart enough to know that isn't the way to end a marriage. Ironically, being with ap, and seeing how hard he has to work to keep up status quo and how important it must be to him, and how he is all about image appearing like the good guy ... actually I do like that quality of him being a good dad (that is most important!) ... anyhow, I thought how my lifestyle would change and in reality it would be alot of getting to know each other, like actually date before I would ever get married again. I never wanted (still don't ) want to break up his marriage.... but I was listing the good things in my life and how I am working on myself and beginning to stand up for myself and see what happens with that.


I am just hurt because there has been no explanation ... is he dragging this out so I won't act fatal attraction or something? Couldn't he just be honest with me? ...


At first I didn't want to bother him to talk for fear of pushing him away, but it seems that is happening anyhow. No matter the relationship I thought we had respect for each other to be honest. If he just wanted sex, why did he bother with me? Is he that cruel to put a friend thru that heartache? I think I am unable to divide sex & love. It felt like love. He talked like love. I thought he cared for me and that is what hurts most of all. He knew how lonely I am.


I am sorry I

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 11:52pm

Thank you so much. Your response made me cry. How kind of you to offer those words to someone you don't know. I was just writing a post when you were writing.

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