Is it over??
Find a Conversation
Is it over??
| Sat, 11-01-2008 - 2:15pm |
New poster here, been perusing the boards for a number of months.
| Sat, 11-01-2008 - 2:15pm |
New poster here, been perusing the boards for a number of months.
It's an affair and he told you out front that he's not leaving his M. Don't think of it as a continuation of whatever you had with him a long time ago, or you'll romanticized the A which is not good and very unrealistic.
Look, if a man really wants to be with you, they won't go marry someone else just because you were a "little cold" to him. You're probably right about your gut instinct that he just wanted a little last "hoorrah" before he got M.
You said he got cold and distant after you had sex this time around, at 33-years old, you probably paled in comparison to the 18-years old that he remembered and the actual act probably was not as he fantasized all those years. Now, he's doing the pulling away act. I'm sure if you'll just chill out and let him be for now, he'll be back later on for that extra, extra you're giving him.
It's up to you to decide if that's the type of an R you want with him. Keep in mind it's just an A and if you want to be happy in it you're better off NOT having unrealistic expectations.
but what we do have is an incrediable connection that is fulfilling in the most deepest level...and unlike your AP--neither of us have any guilt...we too waited a few months for PC and once it happened we both felt that we belonged joined in that way..
good luck keep communicating and i hope you get what you need.
Thanks for all your responses.
I am going to throw this out there. Take what you want from it and throw the rest away.
I think that his sudden withdraw has a two prong reason. The first being guilt. It sounds as if he is very conflicted by his own actions. He wants what he wants, but somewhere inside him something is telling him he knows that he is wrong. Personally I found that the most difficult conflicts that I have EVER had to deal were w/ myself. I can usually out talk or out argue someone else, but I am my own worse nightmare. I know how I REALLY feel, w/ others you can say anything to drive your point home, but you know that what your saying is crap. I think that perhaps he is facing the same thing. Throw in good ole confusion, yeah you have one conflicted person.
Right now things are running through his mind that he never thought that he would have to deal w/. "Will this cost me my marriage?" "I said faithfully, until death do us part." "How would I feel if my W did this to me?" I could go on for days. If he has kids, you can ratchet the pressure up about 10 fold, because now he is not just doing things that affect his future, but also his children's.
The other reason, the easiest to reconcile is his.....uh, his faster than the sound of speed performance (which BTW is, as I am sure you know, not a problem that only he has LoL.) A lot of women think that most men don't care if they get theirs, and that they (the men) selfishly have tunnel vision to their own pleasure. This is NOT the case for MOST, not all, but most men. If you think about it, men have a tremendous amount of pressure on them to perform. The ENTIRE act is depending on their ability to perform. It has to be good, or not only will you be disappointed, but you are less likely to do it again. Which is major motivation for him.
When AP and I hooked up this time around he had the same problem. He had been in a sexless marriage for years, and no other A's. To put it mildly, he was....VERY excited. Thankfully he is really into foreplay. It happened that way for a while. He tried several things to help the problem with little change. Finally I told him "Look, your making a bigger deal out of this than I am." I think he got a little obsessive about it. So one day we were in the car, and I just casually brought it up. Saying things like "I realize that you guys are under a lot of pressure to preform, that must be very difficult." "I am glad I am not a guy, because when I am getting ready to...(Well you know) the last thing that I am thinking about is stopping!" "I don't want you to worry about it anymore. Seeing things from your point of view has really made me feel differently." I mean it was a long drawn out conversation, but you get the point. I took the pressure off him. Now, our sex life is WONDERFUL.
I don't know if you feel comfortable enough to talk to AP like that, but it might help.
Well that's all I have to offer. Hope it helps, and sorry it's so long.
Hi
May I ask one more question?
justice,
Thanks for your input.
I'd be a little 'put off' by that...make that alot 'put off'.