Is it over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Is it over?
7
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 1:51pm
Just a refresher...I'm the one who posted here yesterday about my emotional EMA with a MM I work with. He's the one that pulls back a lot and seems to be putting LESS effort into things than he was early on. After reading the posts here yesterday, then him not showing up to see me before I left, I was in quite a state by the time I got home. It must have shown on my face at the gym because this morning he asked why I was so "chilly" at the gym last night. I tried playing dumb, but that didn't work. I told him I was "tired." He said I should take a day off and sleep and I said, "That's not the kind of tired I mean." He pointed to his mind and said, "Here?" I said, "Yep," then pointed to my heart and said, "Here too." I just laid it all on the line. I told him that this relationship doesn't seem to be progressing; that in fact it's going backwards. He said he doesn't feel like it's going backwards, but it can't go forward because it has nowhere to go forward to. Neither of us are ready to leave our situations to be together so what's the point in taking it forward? He said the reason it seems that his feelings have lessened for me is that he came to a point where he felt like he needed to "get a grip" on them. He said the feelings are the same; he just is coming to the realization that there's nothing he can do about them.

Bottom line, he said if I wanted to stop talking that he'd leave me alone. I know I seemed like a mess to him. I feel like a mess myself. Does anyone else find that they get into these situations and words just don't come? I want to tell him how I'm feeling, but my brain just locks up and I end up not saying everything I want to say. Then, toward the end, he said something he's been saying a lot lately -- that we have nothing in common. That he's a redneck and I'm "sophisticated" and our interests are just too different. I found myself trying to talk around that -- saying that very few women have the same interests as men (in his case, sports, sports, and more sports) -- but then I caught myself and shut up. I said that it was blatantly obvious, just by looking at the two of us, that we don't fit, and that he should have known that coming in. I thought about our conversation all through lunch and when I got back, I called him and told him I just need time to sort out my thoughts but for the time being, let's just say that nothing is going to happen. That we're just going to be friends and no matter what, there will be no kissing or any other physical contact. I told him if we agree to that, then he won't feel the need to always "fight" his attraction to me. We can be friends, no pressure.

It hurts, it really does. I know I didn't break it off for good, but it feels like something has just ended. Like the part of me that went into this all naive and ready to fall in love has died and is replaced by a jaded cynic who realizes I should have known better. I hope I'm not rambling; it just helps to put it all in writing like this. I don't know what I would do without this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 2:40pm
Hi lilah

I think I may be climbing aboard the same boat as you soon. I'm really sorry as I think I may know a bit how you feel. These relationships (I now know) can only go so far (emotionally). I have learned that pretty quickly and I have also learned I don't like it. I have been thinking about talking to my MM about it - but of course I haven't. I know his response would be pretty much the same as the one your MM gave you. I guess I'm putting off the conversation. I don't want to BE with him (we both want to stay with our spouses), but I'm getting tired of him holding back in the emotional department. (Probably partially my fault - I did warn him that we need to be careful about our feelings).

I still don't understand men very well - WHY the constant need to be completely in control of their feelings ALL THE TIME? (At least in my case). I don't need to fall in love with him or have him fall for me (I guess that makes me a bit different from you). But why the wall? Why all or nothing? That's what I consider it. I just don't get it. So it's a game of him pulling back, and me pulling back in response (seems to be common theme on the board this week!), and I am getting plain exhausted by it all. I don't know. I'm probably not helping; just know you are not alone in how you feel. Think about it more. You may be saving yourself MUCH pain by getting this all out in the open now. I am considering doing the same thing. Still not sure yet though!

Let us know what happens.

C

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 2:42pm
Don't be so hard on yourself, Lilah.

Yes, it sounds like it's over. But it also sounds like it's for the best. So you made a mistake and ended up disappointed and a bit disillusioned. You can look on it as a learning experience that will help you know more about yourself in the long run.

The truth is, most affairs do start out looking exciting and romantic. The reality is usually much different, and yes, there are women who feel as though they learn things about themselves and about life that they wish they didn't. It's just a part of growing as a person. You'll grow even more if you let it alone and don't try to revive it. It *hurts* but you're in the strongest position now that you can be!

Hang in there, it will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 3:52pm
First of all, shouldi, thank you for all your help. It was because of your posts yesterday that I came to the decision that I deserved better. I was hanging on to the last threads of something that ended over a month ago. Something that will never be...a dream that probably would have ended up being a nightmare anyway.

Charlotte, I agree that it's irritating that men always have to be in control of their emotions. I think they're taught from a young age to disguise their emotions. The truth is, when this first started MM was a completely different person than he is now. He came at me, guns blazing, calling me three to four times a day, coming to see me twice for a half hour each time, calling me on his vacation... You name it. We were hurling at warp speed toward...nothing at all. At the time it terrified me because I was thinking, if we're only two weeks into this and he's behaving like this, what's it going to be like in six months? I was so scared because I knew I wasn't ready to leave my husband -- I wasn't even sure if I wanted this man -- but he kept working, telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me, promising we'd be good together, you name it. Then, it all started winding down.

Now I realize he was just playacting, pretending he was more serious about me than he was to win me over. He WANTED me wrapped up in him, wanted me to think about him every single day. I used to bound out of bed in the morning, hardly able to wait to see him again. Now I climb out of bed, facing the day with great dread. Is this going to be the day he avoids me like the plague? I never know.

The thing is, this could all backfire on me. He could rebound once he realizes I'm really serious and come after me again, guns once again blazing. I don't know if I have the strength to ward him off. It's easy to sit back and say, Just tell yourself he's a no-good freak, but when you're at the other end of one of those I-can't-live-without-you stares, it gets pretty hard to resist. It's like he hypnotizes me or something and all common sense flies out the window. Do you think maybe I'm being brainwashed? :-)

I may see him in a little while, maybe not. Who knows? I'm getting to the point where I really couldn't care less anymore. It's hard to put out of my mind that this is the time he normally visits, though. I'm like one of Pavlov's dogs. How do you get out of the routine of things and go back to your life as it was before???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 4:31pm
Update... He came to visit, earlier than usual, and we had an interesting conversation. We ended up discussing our entire "relationship," a retrospective as though it was all in the past. He said he has always felt tremendous guilt that he came in and interrupted my life with H. I told him that my life was put on hold for some time this summer, but it's been over a month since I even considered him as someone I was going to be with in the near future and that I've gone on with my life. No, we're not trying to have a baby again yet (I definitely need to put my head back on straight before I bring a child into the world), but I'm seriously considering it, and these days I'm thinking more of H as the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I told him, bottom line, if we were both single we'd probably just have a whole lot of sex and then decide we're incompatible. He agreed and then said that I'd probably be disappointed in the sex as well. He says he talks a big game but he's probably not all that good. He did say that his last four lovers had commented that he's good at oral sex, but he put it much more bluntly than that and I LAUGHED at him. Maybe that wasn't so nice, but the last couple of weeks it's been really hard to hear him speak like that. It is very unrefined and disrespectful. Dirty talk has its place, but just the way he said these women had told him he was good at eating you-know-what kinda made him look really stupid. Like...well, a redneck. I just have to start seeing him in that light and stop seeing him as this gorgeous guy. Still...what is it about looking across the room at someone you know you can never have that just makes him so DESIRABLE? Do men go through that same emotion, they just hide it better? He had this look in his eyes, too. Kind of a sad look. I have to say, he's definitely on his best behavior. He, once again, accused me of not ever having had feelings for him. He said this has always been just a game for me. He's always saying that...but this time I turned it around on him. This time I said that *HE* was just playing a game at first too; that he came at me talking love and forever and I know now he's just playacting. No one goes from one day thinking of someone as just a cute co-worker to being madly in love with them the next. Feelings don't change that quickly. I have to keep being strong. Thanks for listening, if you made it this far!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 3:47pm
hey lilah. isn't it funny how everything changes when you fall out of love, attraction, whatever. just like your marriage, the OM looks and sounds different when you really pay attention ("like a redneck").

get on with your life and figure out what you need to be happy. and don't even think about another child until you know you can handle raising that child ALONE. because that's what it will come down to. just make sure you are content with yourself before you make any kind of life-changing decision!

stay strong girl. we're here for you!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 4:09pm
How you move on, is that you put one foot in front of the other and you just do it. It's like doing anything hard but worthwhile, whether it's dieting or recovering from alcoholism or getting over a man. You put in the effort, you find new respect for yourself, and you DO IT. And don't be afraid to ask for help.

Gurl is right - don't even think about having a baby now. Not, IMO, because you might be raising it on your own (we all have that possibility, don't we? I could end up widowed with a lot of kids to raise by myself). You should have a baby because you and your DH want to be parents *together* and raise a family *together*. Babies are cute but they grow up superfast. You have to want to be a mother of grade schoolers and teenagers, too.

Just my .02 as a mom-of-many.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
In reply to: lilah_iv
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 9:38pm
Lilah...I've always enjoyed your posts...you seem like you are such a level-headed woman. You're going to get through this just fine. How do I know this? Because I too am trying to get through the pain and agony of ending my EMA. Yes, it does hurt...yes, I do cry a lot...yes, I still think about my OM often. However, those tears and sad feelings are slowly being replaced by anger and fist-pounding because I have FINALLY forced myself to see my OM for what he really was and still is. He told me over and over how he didn't want to lead me on, use me or hurt me...not only did he manage to do all 3, but I somehow feel responsible for allowing it to happen. I've got that whole "I should have known better" thing going on in my head right now. I have a slew of emotions swirling around in my head - I feel relief, foolish, used, heartbroken, angry, sad, strong, manipulated, guilty, resentment, disgust, lonely. It's been almost 7 days of NC, and the thing that really pisses me off is that he waited until we had one last roll in the sack before things came to a screeching halt. I do put most of the blame on myself because the signs were there but I chose to deny it, ignore it...call it wishful thinking I guess. But as each day passes and I don't hear from him, it becomes easier to swallow. I suspect within a reasonable amount of time, it won't even phase me. I know it's painful right now for you...give it some time and carry on with your life...it get's better. The only thing that really scares me is the thought of falling into a "pattern" of seeking out EMA's (this was my 2nd)...I desperately don't want that to happen. Take care and be strong! Hugs.......

Bfly