Is it over?
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| Tue, 09-23-2003 - 1:51pm |
Bottom line, he said if I wanted to stop talking that he'd leave me alone. I know I seemed like a mess to him. I feel like a mess myself. Does anyone else find that they get into these situations and words just don't come? I want to tell him how I'm feeling, but my brain just locks up and I end up not saying everything I want to say. Then, toward the end, he said something he's been saying a lot lately -- that we have nothing in common. That he's a redneck and I'm "sophisticated" and our interests are just too different. I found myself trying to talk around that -- saying that very few women have the same interests as men (in his case, sports, sports, and more sports) -- but then I caught myself and shut up. I said that it was blatantly obvious, just by looking at the two of us, that we don't fit, and that he should have known that coming in. I thought about our conversation all through lunch and when I got back, I called him and told him I just need time to sort out my thoughts but for the time being, let's just say that nothing is going to happen. That we're just going to be friends and no matter what, there will be no kissing or any other physical contact. I told him if we agree to that, then he won't feel the need to always "fight" his attraction to me. We can be friends, no pressure.
It hurts, it really does. I know I didn't break it off for good, but it feels like something has just ended. Like the part of me that went into this all naive and ready to fall in love has died and is replaced by a jaded cynic who realizes I should have known better. I hope I'm not rambling; it just helps to put it all in writing like this. I don't know what I would do without this board.

I think I may be climbing aboard the same boat as you soon. I'm really sorry as I think I may know a bit how you feel. These relationships (I now know) can only go so far (emotionally). I have learned that pretty quickly and I have also learned I don't like it. I have been thinking about talking to my MM about it - but of course I haven't. I know his response would be pretty much the same as the one your MM gave you. I guess I'm putting off the conversation. I don't want to BE with him (we both want to stay with our spouses), but I'm getting tired of him holding back in the emotional department. (Probably partially my fault - I did warn him that we need to be careful about our feelings).
I still don't understand men very well - WHY the constant need to be completely in control of their feelings ALL THE TIME? (At least in my case). I don't need to fall in love with him or have him fall for me (I guess that makes me a bit different from you). But why the wall? Why all or nothing? That's what I consider it. I just don't get it. So it's a game of him pulling back, and me pulling back in response (seems to be common theme on the board this week!), and I am getting plain exhausted by it all. I don't know. I'm probably not helping; just know you are not alone in how you feel. Think about it more. You may be saving yourself MUCH pain by getting this all out in the open now. I am considering doing the same thing. Still not sure yet though!
Let us know what happens.
C
Yes, it sounds like it's over. But it also sounds like it's for the best. So you made a mistake and ended up disappointed and a bit disillusioned. You can look on it as a learning experience that will help you know more about yourself in the long run.
The truth is, most affairs do start out looking exciting and romantic. The reality is usually much different, and yes, there are women who feel as though they learn things about themselves and about life that they wish they didn't. It's just a part of growing as a person. You'll grow even more if you let it alone and don't try to revive it. It *hurts* but you're in the strongest position now that you can be!
Hang in there, it will get better.
Charlotte, I agree that it's irritating that men always have to be in control of their emotions. I think they're taught from a young age to disguise their emotions. The truth is, when this first started MM was a completely different person than he is now. He came at me, guns blazing, calling me three to four times a day, coming to see me twice for a half hour each time, calling me on his vacation... You name it. We were hurling at warp speed toward...nothing at all. At the time it terrified me because I was thinking, if we're only two weeks into this and he's behaving like this, what's it going to be like in six months? I was so scared because I knew I wasn't ready to leave my husband -- I wasn't even sure if I wanted this man -- but he kept working, telling me he couldn't stop thinking about me, promising we'd be good together, you name it. Then, it all started winding down.
Now I realize he was just playacting, pretending he was more serious about me than he was to win me over. He WANTED me wrapped up in him, wanted me to think about him every single day. I used to bound out of bed in the morning, hardly able to wait to see him again. Now I climb out of bed, facing the day with great dread. Is this going to be the day he avoids me like the plague? I never know.
The thing is, this could all backfire on me. He could rebound once he realizes I'm really serious and come after me again, guns once again blazing. I don't know if I have the strength to ward him off. It's easy to sit back and say, Just tell yourself he's a no-good freak, but when you're at the other end of one of those I-can't-live-without-you stares, it gets pretty hard to resist. It's like he hypnotizes me or something and all common sense flies out the window. Do you think maybe I'm being brainwashed? :-)
I may see him in a little while, maybe not. Who knows? I'm getting to the point where I really couldn't care less anymore. It's hard to put out of my mind that this is the time he normally visits, though. I'm like one of Pavlov's dogs. How do you get out of the routine of things and go back to your life as it was before???
get on with your life and figure out what you need to be happy. and don't even think about another child until you know you can handle raising that child ALONE. because that's what it will come down to. just make sure you are content with yourself before you make any kind of life-changing decision!
stay strong girl. we're here for you!
gurl
Gurl is right - don't even think about having a baby now. Not, IMO, because you might be raising it on your own (we all have that possibility, don't we? I could end up widowed with a lot of kids to raise by myself). You should have a baby because you and your DH want to be parents *together* and raise a family *together*. Babies are cute but they grow up superfast. You have to want to be a mother of grade schoolers and teenagers, too.
Just my .02 as a mom-of-many.
Bfly