Is it over, how do you know?
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| Tue, 07-28-2009 - 2:59pm |
How do know when your A is over? A little background: My AP lives out of state, M with 2 kids and one on the way. I too am M with a child. We dated in HS and college, and after 8 years of NC, reconnected about 2-1/2 years ago. At first we were so into each other, we would call/email/text all of the time. At the most inappropriate times too. And because he was out of state, we only saw each other a few times a year, for extended lunches (no more than 2 hours at a time). As with anything, time and life carried on. I became pregnant, but continued to talk with AP. Recently, we told me his wife was pregnant. I was devastated. I felt as though he and I would never be together (even though we never really talked about it, it was always more of a “I want to be with you, I hope one day we can be together” type of conversations; neither of us have intentions of leaving our SA anytime soon). Why am I writing this? Since the announcement of the pregnancy, things have changed. We went a week with NC. There were no more weekend emails- in fact, this probably all started at the beginning of the year (when I suspect they were trying to conceive). I confronted him about the change in attitude: he reassured me that nothing had changed, that his feelings were the same, and made more of an effort to maintain daily contact. In the last month or so, our conversations have turned from the loving, emotional and hot and physical to more mundane, and in fact, he’s mentioned more than a few times about being careful, so as to “not get caught” and “we have a lot to lose”.
He’s in town this week, with his family for vacation, and yesterday we met for lunch. There was none of the “so good to see you, you look great”, or the looking into my eyes and saying I love you, as all of our encounters were like in the past. And we kissed, and there was nothing—I almost felt annoyed by the entire situation. So, does this mean it’s over? Is this how one knows when an A is done with? I’m just looking for a little advice, no criticism, but rather someone who’s BTDT. And if it’s over, what do I do now? I in no way am looking to start another A with anyone; my AP and I had a long history, and shared lots of good times, and basically grew up together. We know and get each other, but I think I’ve just recently realized that even though that’s our history, it doesn’t mean that we’re meant or each other now. But I don’t want to let him out of my life. Because whether I have the butterflies for him or not, I still do care about him. Or is that just completely wrong?

I'm not btdt. but here is my opinion anyway. Sounds to me like this relationship has run it's natural course and is fading away. Did you make a choice together to go nc, or did that just sort of happen? I don't know that I would make any formal goodbyes and well wishes. The well wishes are implied in your caring for him. I think I'd step a bit aside and let him focus on his expecting wife right now. things don't have to be hot and heavy between you, and you can go extended periods without talking. Sounds like the end to me. And that you kissed him and mostly felt annoyed says a lot.
Hopefully, someone with experienced perspective speaks up soon.
"...but I think I’ve just recently realized that even though that’s our history, it doesn’t mean that we’re meant or each other now."
I think it's run its course.
BTDT !