Is it possible.......................

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Is it possible.......................
7
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 12:24pm
Is it possible to be able to work on your M and make it work but still need your OM? I know there are some of you out there who maintain both R's and I wanted to get some feedback from you. OM and I have ended the NC (18 days) and I don't think that the FWOB is going to work for us. I still want and need OM's friendship but I also need the emotional and physical connection that we have and from all indications from OM he does too. Basically I feel that I need OM in my life to be happy in my marriage. While this NC was going on I was totally miserable and because I was miserable I treated H like sh**. I know that wasn't the right thing to do and I should have been putting all of my energy into working on my M but I didn't feel like it and couldn't muster the energy. Does any of this make sense to anyone?

I know that the right thing would have been to let my R with OM go and put 100% into my M and H but I couldn't do it. The funny thing is I don't feel any guilt about it and I think I probably should. Or could it be that I have reconciled all of these feelings in my mind and I am now ready to do whatever it takes to make both of these R work? I really am confused just thinking about it all and I don't even know how to go about making both R work. I won't see OM until next week so I have a week to think about it and I could still change my mind but that isn't likely to happen.

Well sorry I rambled but any advice, BTDT advice, etc would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to all. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 1:20pm
DAF,

Here is my opinion for its worth. I don't think you can be in any monogamous relationship without giving 100% of yourself to that R. If you are working on your M its should be outside your EMA. You may have reconciled to both R's but in all truth you are just maintaining status quo in both situations. To me an R should grow and evolve - not be stagnant. By that I mean I should experience new things with my H or OM, by exploring new horizons that enrich my experiences.

I know some ppl that say they love both their H and MM. I am personally not capable of that, ever. If you can do that with H and OM, kudos to you, since I know sharing love at that level requires a lot of patience and commitment from all parties involved. Your OM shouldn't be "drop of a hat" jealous person, since you will be intimate with H. Anyway, this is MY take on this question, its really upto to decide if you can pull it all together. JMHO


Edited 8/21/2003 1:23:19 PM ET by i_another_lurker

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 08-21-2003 - 7:10pm
Hi DAF,

I'm a believer that this can be done... sure! I know it's probably not right... but I've felt that in many ways MM has been my marriage saver.

For me though... I feel that we have a very unique relationship... MM and I are very open, honest and upfront about everything... including our spouses. I don't have any problems or hangups that he sleeps with him W... just as he doesn't with me and DH. We don't go into specifics or anything... but quite often in conversations the fact is brought up... and we even joke with each other about it... in many ways... I feel that it's brought us closer being able to discuss such things.

I've also found that through my EMA I learnt a lot about relationships... the needs and wants that go into them and what we need to give and can accept to be happy... I use it in both my EMA and my M.

Another thing that I've managed to do... is put my EMA in perspective... I treat it for what it is... and accept that that is all it will probably ever be... this allows me not to have over the top expectations that maybe one day we will leave our spouses and live together happily ever after. Sure... I can dream... but that's as far as it goes. This then allows me to enjoy the relationship that I have with MM... and what we can give to each other... with for me... is quite a lot.

I do believe that if it wasn't for MM... my marriage might well have failed a year or so ago... or be headed that way... and I'm for one... despite the problems we still face... am glad that I still have my marriage and family together.

Not sure if I've helped any... but I do believe it can be done.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 6:48am
Hi daf,

I think it depends on what you want. If you want your M to change and/or improve, I think they energy you put into an EMA does take away from what you can give your H. If you're looking at being able to live with/accept what is already there, then it sounds like the EMA fills a void missing in your M without pushing you to leave it. So what do you want out of your M?

To be fair to your H and your M, I believe you would have to focus on that R entirely if you were looking at improving the situation. Otherwise, OM is always around as a distraction, a comparison, and an unfair one because the foundation and development of that R is very different from your M.

You don't sound very motivated to make your M work, though... so really, do you want to?

Best of luck to you...

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 9:41am
Hi daf

Wow, that is a hard one. I am trying to do just that. So far it's working (not sure how well), but I'm not sure how long it can go on. It's been hard for me to admit to myself, but this affair IS taking up a lot of my energy - energy that I should be putting towards my marriage and especially my kids. It's not that I don't have the physical time, I just seem to be becoming more aware of how preoccupied I am with thoughts of MM. I keep waiting for it to subside, but so far it hasn't. I catch myself zoning out, I'm becoming obsessed with checking my emails, etc. I DON"T like it. I thought I was stronger. I thought I could handle all of this better, but I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to juggle all of it (without someone I love suffering because of it). So I guess my answer to your question is I don't know! For me - I want it all - I don't want to let MM go, but I'm finding it difficult to keep my priorities in order. Maybe more women who have been in affairs for a longer period of time can shed more light on this subject?

Good luck daf!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 3:28pm
daf, i'm right there with you. i have the exact same situation. just not married, but in a 10+ years R with BF. i love both of BF and MM and cannot imagine my life without either of them. i know that MM and i will never be together (as hard as it is to say, unless tragedy strikes), and we are contented to have whatever time together we can get. and we work on our primary Rs, bouncing problems and solutions off each other. right now, there is balance for both of us, but we both know that anything can throw off the balance and thus our peace and satisfaction.

try not to overthink your situation and just relax and enjoy it. do whatever work on your M you can manage and don't feel guilty that you don't feel guilt!!

do what you need for yourself. the rest will follow.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 5:18pm
Thank you to everyone who answered. Even today I have been going back and forth in mind just checking to see if I can and want to do this. The thing is I can't keep second guessing myself and I know in my heart that I want OM.

Lurker, I think that I can love both my H and OM, the love I feel for both of them is different but it is still love. OM and I decided when our R started that we don't discuss my R with my H, not because of him but because of me. I don't want to discuss that part of my life and interrupt my time with OM, plus I feel funny being intimate with OM and discussing being intimate with H.

Sweet, The whole thing about putting your EMA in perspective that is what I am trying to do now. My OM is single so anyday he could find someone who is also single to spend his life with I won't think about that and deal with it if and when it happens. Any helpful suggestions for how to put it all in perspective?

Lily, I have actually thought about what I want in my M and right now it is pretty good, of course things could be better but it works for us. I am sure that H would have suggestions about how things could change all having to do with him getting more attention but working different shifts and I do work on the side for another company, taking care of the kids and working out doesn't leave much free time. As long as I can make H feel like he wants I think that my M will survive. I don't believe that we are even close to a D.

Charlotte, I would love to talk to you more on this whole A thing. If you have time and want please email me.

Gurl, As always I can count on your advice. I am trying to relax more and take things as they come. There are certain things that are beyond my control and I will just have to learn to roll with the punches during these situations. Very hard for me because I like to be in control LOL.

So thank you to everyone and if anyone else has anything please post it. I think that if I change the way I look at my EMA and don't have any high expectations or plans then I will be able to do this (with your help). Thanks again DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 6:26pm
Hi daf,

I, too, just went through a round of NC and returned to the EMA. I think that the only thing that keeps me from being totally comfortable with the EMA is the fear of getting caught. If I could be certain that H would never be hurt by finding out, I would never again think about going NC again. That, of course, presumes OM continues to be willing to have me under these terms.

I was thinking about the dual Rs with OM and H in my life. I think the way it works is like a rubberband: when I feel pulled by H's needs, I retract a little from OM. And vice versa. Instead of being conflicted, I feel fulfilled by the complementary nature of both Rs. I have no plans to leave H. OM gives me so many things H can or does not.

I guess a lot of it depends on your OM's willingness to accept your M.

Pug