Is it possible to love someone.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Is it possible to love someone.......
8
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 11:43am
and hate them too. There was a time when I loved MM with all my heart. But, as time has passed I don't think I love him as much as I used to. There was a time, when I didn't think I could live without him, now I often think of living life to it's fullest without him. I enjoy his company and we have great sex.

I'm so confused about my feelings. I don't know if I want to stay or go. Just like some of you in your marriages. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of emotions.

I think I have posted here about my harsh feeling for his dd. And, I know that a lot of those feelings are based on things that MM himself have done to me. Last night his dd had a sever asthma attack and he had to call 911, I was told that she actually stopped breathing. I felt no concern for her at all. When he told me I didn't even ask if she was OK. I know that's horrible, but that is how I feel.

At this point I should probably leave the EMA, BUT!!! I don't want to be alone. I want someone to talk to, and I really enjoy the sex, and I don't want to give that up. I hope things will get better, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 11:54am
I have been confused about my feelings a lot lately. For a while there I thought MM hung the moon. He could do no wrong. Everything he said and did was so CUTE. Then he stopped giving me those loving looks and I stepped back and looked at him. REALLY looked at him. I think maybe that's what's happening with you. If MM were to leave his spouse to be with you, you would certainly be no happier than you are now...probably more miserable. You're not even having to deal with his annoying habits and a stepdaughter who resents you and he's bothering you. Perhaps you've outgrown this relationship and are ready to move on. If you need time to transition and keep seeing him, then take it, but at least try to think of moving forward with your life. Have you thought of seeing other people? Or maybe some time alone would be good for you, so you can figure out what you want from life. Don't do it for him or for anyone else in your life. Sometimes being alone isn't the worst thing that can happen to you.

I know, easier said than done...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 1:12pm
Hi there,

I can totally understand what you are going threw...I've been in an affair for the last 7 months now. I love my "lover" and I know he would be good for me but the problem is, and excuse my language but I don't have the "balls" to break up with my husband, although I love him very much.

These last few months, I have wanted to leave and then I would stay and regret everything, then feel guilty, yet still continue...my emotions are like a rollercoaster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 1:28pm
I can relate. I too have been having mixed feeling about my OM. Maybe it's something in the air. :)

I'm hoping that giving it time (we've toned it down lately) will renew a spark for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:02pm
Hi Secretluver,

I just wanted to offer you support and give you a hug. It must feel horrible being in the situation that your in with MM. Just remember your in control...you can stay or you can go. It's up to you. If you want to be with him than do that, enjoy his friendship and sex, but don't limit yourself to just him, start dating and maybe you'll meet someone that is single and ready to get into a great relationship with you. MM can't expect you to be faithful, he has someone else you should too if that is what you want / or need.

~Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 3:22pm
I would love to start dating again. For the past 13 years there have been only 2 men in my life, my ex-husband, and MM. I would love, really love to date. I have 2 problems. First one being, no one has asked me out in at least 4 years. I have a hard time meeting people because of problem #2. I'm a single parent, and I don't really have anyone to leave my dd with. People have made suggestions on finding a nice teen age sitter, or someone from the church, but dd just doesn't like being left with someone she doesn't know very well, which I can understand. DD is 10, and not old enough to be left alone. So, unless it is a very early dinner date, or a lunch date I can't go. Which is why it is so hard for me to meet prospective canidates for dating. I really feel trapped. And, I don't like my situation at all.

I wish I could find a happy medium, or a solution to my dilema.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 3:35pm
I see what you mean...when we go through a "cooling off" period, often when he comes back it is like it's brand new again. But during the "cooling off" period, I do get really bored and disinterested. Maybe it's just that these EMAs are naturally going to go through peaks and valleys and it's normal for us to have times where we're more in our marriage than in the A. I think maybe the men go through similar peaks and valleys which gives them the strength to "cool off." Otherwise, how would they be able to resist us? :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 4:13pm
But, I think it is more than a cooling off period for me. I've been feeling this way for about a year now. You really hit the nail on the head in your first post. I would feel horrible if MM left his W. I would feel so pressured into making a decision regarding our relationship. I would feel obligated to let him know if I wanted to continue or not.

I'm not interested in MM any more. Except for the sex. But, if he told me, he had decided not to leave his W, I would be angry, and releived at the same time. Angry, because he lied to me, and relieved that I would not have to ever worry about being his W. I honestly think this EMA has run it's course, but like a fool I keep holding on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 7:17pm
Hi secret,

I haven't yet read everyone's replies... but there was one thing in your post that really stood out for me... "I don't want to be alone"

I know I used to feel a lot like this... I think this is part of why I ended up in my marriage... the thought of being alone did not appeal to me... and in some ways I think that I may have settled for DH... that is not to say that I didn't love him... as I did and still do.

But! with all my marriage problems... the one thing that stopped me from moving forward... was the thought of being alone. I did not want to risk bringing up problems for the fear that it would cause more and I preferred to let sleeping dogs lie. Through counselling though... I suddenly realised... that this was my life and I had to live it... and I didn't want to do it in fear.

Once I realised that I could make it on my own... I didn't need someone else to do it with me... I felt empowered in many ways... and have vowed to do things my way.

I'm no longer scared of what lays ahead... as I know that I can face it... alone if I have to.

It's a common fear really... but I think one that you really do need to face in order to see where your future may lie. Maybe see a counsellour and see if you can put that fear to rest.

I wish you all the best and do keep us up to date.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
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