Is it really an affair without sex??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Is it really an affair without sex??
5
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 8:37pm
livingthedream714 posted the following on another thread and I thought it was a valid question:

Is it really an affair with out sex?

If the sex goes away isn't just a friendship?

(just asking, I'm new and not in love with my lover)


My answer would be, yes. Emotional infidelity is a betrayal, just as physical infidelity is. It's more than 'just a friendship' when you wake thinking about this person, go to sleep thinking about this person, planning the next phone call/IM/text message/email. Working your schedule/chores around times you know you'll find each other on line or available to talk on the phone. These are all things that go that extra mile beyond the friendships I have with other women, for instance.

Occasionally on this board we have discussions about how long we have been in our affairs, what's our anniversary, etc.? I have always had a hard time with that question. Do we count when I *knew* I wanted more than just the workplace friendship we had - and told him so? But if I do, then that's weeks and weeks before we kissed or touched each other. Do we count when the first time is that we kissed/touched? Or the first time we were truly intimate with each other? Or the first time we had IC??

Affairs can be truly confusing, and so many times, as we found in that thread below, there's NOT any IC going on, so clearly these aren't about just sex, yet they are still affairs.

What do others think? Are sexless affairs still affairs, or simply a different level of friendship???

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 8:58pm
Lucky-

Thank you for your post. I do agree with you. It is not right that the last person I think of at night is him. I check my email a lot really looking only for his emails. I am always trying to make myself available for his calls. We discuss having intimate contact even though we aren't having it. Would I want my H doing this with another w? No. I think not having sex is that one piece to hide behind and try to say I am not having an A but if you attached to another man who is not your H isn't that an A? Just as in any relationship, sex is just one part of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:38pm
I agree. My MM and I never had IC, just some hugging and a nice good-bye kiss or two. (ok we sord of held hands a time or two and my foot was up his pant leg...) HOWEVER, I can guarantee you that neither his W nor my H were ever informed of our get togethers. We never talked about our spouses or M. We just enjoyed conversation over a few drinks and a couple of lunches.

So it was not a physical affair, but we there was 'something'.... He was the firs thing I thought about in the a.m and the last thing I thought about in the p.m. If I would wake in the middle of the night- I would think of him. Did he do this of me? Doubt it, who knows but for me I called it an affair of the heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:48pm
If you read all the responses to the post you refer to then you'll know my position on this. An emotional A is still an A and can be every bit as damaging as a sexual A. Don't believe me? Talk to MM's W! LOL!!! Someone once said that if you can't tell your spouse about it, it's probably an A. I think as a general rule of thumb, that is true. In my case my H knows I'm very good friends with MM but he doesn't know just how much I love MM and he loves me. Would H be hurt to know I have strong feelings for another man? Absolutely. But he'd be more hurt if I had a physical relationship. So while an A is an A, there are still degrees to it too. At least for me.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 5:37pm
I have also heard the same about emotional A's. And many times they are more damaging than the physical A's. When two people share thoughts and dreams, daily life stuff, laugh and simple relax with one another, they create a "bond". They feel comfortable with each other, a gentle relaxer to their normal daily grind ( bills, kids, yard work, etc.)

I can share my body with anyone.... not my soul however. Still, they are both A's in my book as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 5:38pm
I am probably living proof that an emotional A (albeit imaginary at times) as as bad as the sexual one, if not worse. I lost my dignity, credibilty and money over a man who was not worth it all. He was all good paper but in real life we never existed. What can man who sent peace order to prove he was not in an A really have to offer me?? Nothing except for lots of trouble and heartache.

Atleast you get some benefits out of a sexual A than a non-sexual A. So yes, sex is not the part the damages you for good but the situation of being in any kind of A is good enough to get you down.


Edited 5/11/2004 5:43 pm ET ET by go_fish