Is it really love????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Is it really love????
12
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 1:14pm
I know some of you ladies are married. There was a time when I know I loved MM. I would have gone to the ends of the earth with him, or for him. He could just look at me and I would melt. I thought that this was the best feeling in the world. I can't describe this feeling any other way, it was intoxicating.

Now over the years it has all faded, into the sunset. We are barley friends. I know this is what some of you ladies describe of your feelings regarding your H's. You say that you have grown apart. So my questions is, was it really love? Does real love ever die? I know that we love our parents and siblings in a different way, but no matter what they do to us, we never quit loving them. So, what happens when we no longer lover our SO/spouses. Did we really love them from our hearts. Or, is this some feeling that has not yet been identified by man?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 3:46pm
I think in the early days of any relationship, even the ones with our Hs, it's easy to believe we're going to love them forever. We believe that feeling we have when they look at us a certain way will always be there, but we forget that over time the passion behind those looks fade. The desire fades, generally, and the romance certainly fades. I wanted to believe when I was a younger that there was a love out there that would be so passionate and perfect that it would never fade, but I've yet to find it. It's kind of like a new car. At first you can hardly wait to get into it every day. You just keep looking at it, thinking, "That's my car." Then after a while you just look at it as your transportation. Pretty soon you barely notice it at all. Same with anything...the newness wears off. So what do you have in its place? In a relationship, it's communication, love, companionship. If your M is better in that area than your EMA, then probably it's not a good idea to leave your M for it. The sex fades. Maybe the sex will be better in the new R than it was in your old one, but really think about it. Was the sex exciting at first with H? Is it really that much better with OM/MM? I'm not telling anyone anything that they don't already know. I know everyone on here has had these thoughts. Once the newness/excitement of finally being able to have, full-time, what you couldn't have with OM/MM before wears off, what will you have? Will it still be just as exciting or, like your previous marriage, will you get tired of this R too in the end? Will you always seek that thrill? I think that's what it is for many of us...the thrill of falling in love again. Maybe once that thrill is gone, they're still a bunch of louses who don't put the toilet seat down and leave their socks on the floor.

Points to ponder as we go into the weekend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 6:56pm
Oh Lilah...I just LOVE the way you put things into perspective! LOL You always make me laugh and put a smile on my face. That comment about them all being louses...hilarious!! I always enjoy reading your posts. =)

Bfly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 7:23pm
hi secretluver l think love can last it has for my parents they have been happily married for 44 years this month.l think my mm has love me in own way for long time you know we can't be together. most parents close friends been married over 40 years.my sister parents been married for 50 years now. love to be married long time.secret wondering what do really want sweetie if you and your mm could openly be together could really trust him. hugs kimmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 8:48pm
Hi SL,

I have to preface my answer by saying I disagree on one point: I do not believe love for siblings, family members and even our children is wholly unconditional. I do believe all love is organic. It must be nurtured, fed, pruned, cared for, sunned, watered and all that stuff. Otherwise, any love can die, even between mother and child.

I say that because I have observed it first-hand, in my own family and in my H's. There are some things people will do to each other that are just horrible, and I do not believe blood is thicker than water. If my family can't treat me with the same respect I get from friends and acquaintances, then why should I treat them as a closed, loved member of my life?

So is it love? And can it last forever? Sure. If you take care of it. But some people just aren't compatible and no matter how much work you do, the love isn't going to be there. And some people are compatible but have differing definitions of love... in the end, are you happy to be with that person? Whether the sexual tension is there, the passionate energy or whatever, is that the person you're still happy saying good night to?

And whether it is or isn't, have you been doing your part to try to keep the love healthy?

I have been pondering this a lot myself lately...

and Lilah... a well-underutilized word, "louses"! I love it!

lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Sat, 09-20-2003 - 10:51pm
Hi ladies: I find that the longer my EMA goes on, the more my MM and I have to work on the relationship. I too at one time, was madly and passionately in love with my H. The years have taken there toll on my M and have lead me to where I am today. My H can be very verbally abusive and hot tempered. What attracted me to my MM was his gentle easy going nature and listening skills-something my H definitely lacks. My H's temperment and lack of compassion has really killed much of the feelings I had for him. My MM and I have been going through some tough times lately, but I find our ability to communicate seems to keep us close. We are not only lovers, but the best of friends as well. I do think about whether or not I would grow tired of him too (like Lilah says about the toilet seat, so funny and true!!), but the differences between these two men, means all the difference in the world to me. Maybe I'm overly optimistic, but I think that all of the strengths of our relationship would keep my heart in there for him (my MM) for the long haul. Just my take anyway!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Sun, 09-21-2003 - 12:07am
Love is a giddy feeling when it is new, but over time love grows into respect. Respect then in turn allows oyu to love deeper. Love will always change, but it has many different facets.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 1:00am
bee808,

I love the way you put that. I agree 100%! It seems I fall deeper inlove with my mm everyday. I find more and more to love about him. I'm sure the passion may change, although with us it seems to get more passionate as time has gone by, if that makes sense. But anyhow, I believe if you really are in love with someone, then it may change, but it will still be love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 12:10pm
These are questions H asks me all the time, as he does not want this D. I think it *is* love and it is real and it does fade with lots of people. H and I have been together over 20 years, married over 17 of them. We have 4 wonderful children and for many years were exquisitely happy. We were the envy of all. Everyone wanted a marriage as respectful and peaceful and loving as ours. But I fell out of that kind of love with him. Now he doubts whether I really loved him at all, because if it were 'real' love, it never would go away. Once in love, always in love. Not in love, never were in love. That's wrong, it doesn't work that way. I'm sorry it doesn't, but it doesn't.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 1:06pm
I really don't know what to say about MM, and myself. He makes an effort and calls me at least 3 - 4 times a day. Most of the time we just sit there and hold the phone. I have no desire to hear about what he did with his family. I listen to him talk about work, and after that, there is nothing left. Oh, and he rambles on about chruch, which is a sore subject with me, because I know his W and dd were there with him, so it really doesn't leave much for us to talk about. We used to talk about life if we were to ever get married, that only makes me mad, because he and I know it's never gonna happen. We used to plan dates, and we don't do that anymore, because I can't hardly get out of the house. So, we mostly just sit there and hold the phone. Saturday, he asks me to call, and I did, and he just holds the phone. I asked why he was so quite, he said he was watching the football game. I told him if the football game was more important than our conversation, I guess I should let him go, he said OK, and hung up.

MM, and I have been through some real, real rough times, and I just think what we had is gone, and there is nothing to sustain our relationship. I wish it was, but I don't see it. Yet, it's hard for this relationship to just be about money and sex, there seems to be more, but not much more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 1:34pm
I feel the same when it comes to Love. There are different steps to being in love. H and I have been together for seven years and married for three. MM and I have been together for four. I did love H when we were dating, but things started changing when we actually got engaged. I met MM at work. We started the same time. MM is also married. I ended up marring H in a fit of weakness. And to this day I regret being in that situation which I find it harder to leave every day. I know that my love for MM is deeper than my love for H. MM and I talked of our hopes of getting together one day. I know that it would be hard on him, because his W would make him pay out the nose. Then I would hate if he started resenting me for ruining his life. Therefore I have to be content with what we have together. Love does change. I used to think that I loved H so much that I couldn't live without him. Now, I can say that I care for him, but I know I don't love him. As for my feelings about MM, I love him more today than I did when we first started.

Pages