Is it time to end it?? Advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Is it time to end it?? Advice please!
5
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 3:12pm

Ladies, I need your advice/help. I've been reading these boards for a few months and I really get how most all of the women feel--those in their A's and those ending them. I'm not sure where I stand right now in my A and I need some help--perhaps a swift kick in the rear.


My A started in September. Completely by coincidence I ran into an AP from 20 years ago. We literally had not seen or spoken to one another in all that time. (We live in separate states.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Wed, 02-03-2010 - 10:22pm

Hi Alwayst,

I personally think its hard to advise anyone in A situations. I mean I know looking at my own situation logically I can see how absurd it all is; and I again I personally feel conflicted telling someone to just go for it.

However, I am on this board b/c I am in an A; and their is definitely no judgment for anyone in the same situation. I know from your story that you've been down this path with this AP before. I believe that the pattern they establish early on is consistent for the course of the R. I know my AP and I have lapses in our communication. I'm getting better at handling it; but that's only came when I acknowledged that it isn't going to change. Only you can decide what your willing to settle for b/c bottom line (when we are honest with ourselves) we know we don't get the whole enchilada. (with exception perhaps of AP's who leave M's for one another).

So I think it is good that you are trying to check in with yourself b4 this goes further, but remember all the hurt (& disappointed expectations) that comes along with the warm fuzzies.

Best of Luck to you alwayst; and thanks again for your encouraging words last week. Btw AP did call me; and altho he's home again; it is wonderful 2 have resumed our regular contact and know that he is doing better despite the personal heartache.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 10:27am

Thank you for your kind words, KP. I'm so glad your AP is back in contact with you. It feels so great, doesn't it?


I know I'm the only one who can decide how far to let this A go. I really am thankful this is LD because I would not be able to handle it if we were in the same town and I had access to him every day. I would become a nutcase--or at least more of one than I already am!! The LD keeps it "real" for me--in other words, it's not a love affair and I'm not deluded into thinking we are going to be together some day. Right now, it's simply been fun, exciting, dangerous and exhilirating.


Today I am fine. I don't know why I was so down yesterday. I'll just wait to hear from him to see if he can get away on one of those dates. And I know I probably won't hear from him for several days, and I'm okay with that.


My M is not so good and I've been contemplating leaving my husband, off and on, for the past 10 years. The last three years have been boring and we virtually have no sex life. H is a good man and I thought I could just be happy with what I have. What's interesting is that running into AP again brought long buried emotions to the

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Thu, 02-04-2010 - 4:26pm

No need to apologize. I know I post here most when I am down or frustrated.

I agree that LD helps to keep "real". There's no trying to squeeze half an hour into your day to see that person b/c you know it isn't going to happen. Everything has to continue in your world and AP's world is is physically enough removed that, at least for me, I can better accept why they can't always connect. That is what was so hard for me last week. Knowing he is so close and unable to do a darn thing about it. I agree with you if I lived close by my AP I would be a nutcase. I know that LD is part of the reason we've been together 8 years.

Glad to hear that you are feeling better today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 2:27am

he sounds fun! he sounds amazing! it sounds like he doesn't want to be pinned down.


i'm not sure i would end it. if you are married, and he is too why not just see how long this thing can last? if the chemistry is great, and he is flirty and attentive - why not enjoy the ride? does your husband make u feel this way? ;)


don't get to upset with him. don't get caught up in the "what ifs" land. do talk with him a bit and tell him how much you would really like to see him again, but if he can't offer you regular contact then maybe setting up future "appointments" isn't the best idea. it sounds like he has remorse about seeing you: guilt is a powerful emotion especially if he is so dedicated, driven, and goal-oriented, etc. he sounds somewhat moral. some men only need physical contact outside their marriage like every 3 to 6 months or so, and if you are o.k. with that then hang in there, but, again --don't expect much.


in this type of situation, expectation=disappointment. he has his family, children (?) and job responsibilities that come first... then you.


but do you think there was a reason for running into him? do you believe in fate? don't rush/push stuff. be patient. do good things come to those who wait? i hope so!


good luck!!

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:39am

Hi Marie,


I appreciate your advice. Since my initial post, I've been perfectly fine without hearing from him because I know I will next week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will be available to meet up soon. He makes me laugh and smile, and he's constantly telling me that I crack him up. We have such fun banter and email exchanges! I think he's as "wowed" that we ran into each other again,