It's all fun and games....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
It's all fun and games....
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 4:37pm

So my M has reached the point of my H and I having an official "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and we are in a comfortable place. We are good co-parents, and we get along fine, and we are good roommates. Neither of us wants anything that would hurt our child or cause confusion. We decided to just keep on where we are and reevaluate later on when our child is older and maybe could understand better. A couple times a month I have my girls' night, and he has his guys' night on occasion (though he is not as big of a "going out" person as me). It is on these nights that I flirt and let loose. So far I have had one ongoing flirtation via email and another sexting buddy, but I haven't gone "there" with anyone yet. I know it is bound to happen, I kind of just don't want to hook up for the sake of doing so. I feel like I have a free pass and want to use it on something great.

Which leads me to the person I currently am all worked up over. When I met him a couple years ago, I was not "open" in my marriage, and when he flirted with me, I told him I was married. After an EA that went nowhere ended several months ago, I ran into him again (literally five minutes later), told him I was going through a break up, and he and I hung out and flirted, but nothing happened. Apparently he took my non-explanation to mean I was getting divorced and wanted to give me space. Anyway, I have seen him several times since then, and I have attempted to explain my situation to him, but he thought I was lying. He now believesme because my story was cooberated by a third party.

Anyway, in the past couple of months, the flirting has escalated, and he now teases me, and tries to turn my words back around on me or pretend to be some wounded party. I never know if he is being serious or not. Last time I saw him he asked "how long" I would be in my situation before I left my M officially. I didn't have an answer. I asked him why he hasn't tried to kiss me, and he said kissing is too "emotional". Then he told me that the next time he sees me, if I am wearing a skirt (a certain skirt I was wearing when we first met), then he would know I am "ready".

I'm just trying to figure out if he is messing with me or if he is serious. I don't like having people tell me what to do, but I also like the idea of wearing the skirt for him. I will end up embarassed if I wear it and he still plays his little game and nothing happens. But if I don't wear it, then will he think I am the one playing a game?

What would you do? I enjoy this little game of give and take, but I kind of also want to find out what is behind door number one.




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 4:50pm

If you want to know something ask!  Otherwise enjoy the flirting and don't press the issue. Maybe you want to explain your situation fully and let him know at this stage you are not leaving your marriage, so he understands you are looking for fun and not a serious relationship. 

I do feel you and your husband should free yourself. As your child gets older it won't be easier, as they will bring their own emotions into the situation. It is easier for a younger child to adjust then an older one. Just my thoughts. 

Good luck in all aspects :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 12:33am

He is assuming your marriage is over......and he's not playing games, he's protecting himself.  He keeps asking and you keep allowing him to think papers have been filed, or whatever.  Why not try to be honest with him and tell him you just want to play around, maybe he DOESN'T want to "play around"!  Also, you want to wait till your child is didn't say how old the child is now, but I have news for you......even 3 or 4 year old children know when there's tension or problems in their home.   A child will NEVER understand why mom and dad can't be together, and you're better off doing it when they're younger.........they will just accept it and they don't HAVE to understand anything.  Children would rather be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home, and your home is broken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 4:26am

For me this is too much game playing,you are in an open situation so tell him what you want  with [no] mixed words and either he is in or not,why play the games when he knows for sure your situation and if he can't handle it then he is not the guy..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 11:02am

I appreciate the replies. And my child is completely happy. There is no tension in my home, and we all get along just fine. You don't have to be in love with your spouse to provide a good, safe, happy home. We  don't fight. We do things together as a family. The main difference is that we don't kiss and cuddle like some people. We are good friends. We have decided we are not going to be together forever, but we don't know how long we will be together. According to studies I have read, there are ages when it is absolutely more damaging to divorce than others, and my child is at that age. We have plans to make it more gradual in the future, but for now we are all happy with how things are. We get along much better now that we have decided to be open. It's like the tension has been removed from our interactions.

As far as the other guy, I have answered all of his questions. I have offered as much of an explanation about my situation as I can. He knows no papers have been filed and that we are taking our time. My cards have all been laid out on the table. I just don't know if he likes messing with me, or if he actually likes me, or if he is afraid of getting feelings for me. He knows I am looking for a fun fling. Nothing more. I have never lied about that. He has known me during completely different stages and has only gotten brief explanations, but I think at this point, I have answered all of his questions. That is why he told me to wear the skirt when I'm "ready".


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 7:04pm

I think he's messing with you, that he only wants to flirt. If his hesitation is because he wants somebody who can commit to a serious relationship then he could say that or just stop flirting. if he wants a FWB or booty call or casual but ongoing affair then he could say that too. Maybe he only wants a woman who is NOT available (like married with no intention to divorce, stolen moments etc) and your current situation is too fluid for him. Or maybe he's nervous that the marriage is open only on your side, or this is a temporary situation, and your H will come after him if he sleeps with you. Since you've know him for a long time and even had an EA you should know each other well enough to speak honestly. I would say to stop with the games and just ask him but it sounds like you enjoy the games as much as he does so maybe that's not what you want to do either.

I don't get why wearing the skirt will signal that you're ready, it sounds like you've already indicated your willingness. Maybe you should tell him to wear something specific to let you know when he is ready?

Assuming that the skirt isn't something that is embarassing to wear because of how it looks, then just wear it when you're ready for this thing to proceed. But I think that first you have to figure out if you intend to continue flirting with him if he doesn't take you up on the offer. When you feel clear on that then you'll be ready for your answer. Don't be embarassed if he doesn't come through, just be glad that you know what's next.

I read what you said about your marriage/child situation but you didn't say what will happen if either you or your husband fall in love with somebody and want to live with them---what do you anticipate happens to the family situation then?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Tue, 04-29-2014 - 1:30pm

Thanks for the replies. Since last week a lot has happened. My marriage is officially falling apart. I have always said that the reason I stayed was because even though we weren't "in love", we still got along and didn't fight. The other day things went downhill fast. My H was clearly planning on picking a fight and had worked himself up to it. I said something nasty in retaliation and he flipped out and threw me into the wall. He has never been physcial at all, though I have felt fear of him a few times, and now I know what I'd feared. I have not spoken with him since, mostly because the conversation we need to have is one that will require time and planning. I'm leaving. Sooner rather than later. And I plan on telling him that as far as I am concerned, our marriage is over.

After this happened, I left the house. I was planning to leave town, but ran into the guy I'd posted about at the gas station. He saw me shaking and visibly upset and took me out for a drink. Nothing happened. We just talked. I felt much better after the conversation, but he did pretty much come clean about not believing me about my open marriage, said he "feared God", called me a roller coaster for him, said he only flirted with me because I wanted him to (?), and said he doesn't ever actually think about me when I wasn't around. All of these things added up to me being over it by the end and telling him that I don't flirt with men I am not interested in, so I asked him to please stop flirting with me.

I've got a lot on my plate now, so I am not really interested in the games anymore. How quickly that seems so trivial.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 3:25pm
Hi Nsdk, enjoy what you have with this man and let the pieces fall where they may. You and your H already established an open marriage so its not like your lying or keeping anything from him. Just be real with this new guy and tell him exactly what you want. If he's with it than its all good, if not you can keep it moving and move on to your next adventure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 9:50am

I completely sabotaged anything with this man. It was on purpose. He kept "losing" control with me, getting further, then regretting it and trying to establish limits. He says he wants me but only when I am free of my H and in a better place emotionally. He doesn't want to be a "distraction" and he apparently avoids married women like the plague. I kept going back to him, trying to convince him to change his mind, not able to focus on work or my life. It kept ending up with him saying he couldn't, and me feeling stupid for trying so hard. It got to the point where we had the same conversation every time I saw him. So.....I sent him one of those notes that men hate. It was long. It was rambling. And it said that I didn't like who I was turning into. That if I was going to reclaim my dignity then I needed to avoid him. I told him I wasn't angry about anything, but I needed to not see him for a while, and that he shouldn't take it personally if he doesn't hear from me. My pride will keep me from going back on my word, so now I am stuck unable to contact him, knowing I can't, and feeling stupid because I know he probably thinks I am a nut job. my world is missing this thing that was giving me a distraction and excitement. I am back to dealing with the hurt and pain associated with my marriage falling apart. Which is the smart thing to do, but it is also killing me emotionally.