it's almost time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
it's almost time...
2
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 12:16am

Have been friends with AP for 8 years. I was engaged (and married 8 months later) when we met. He was in a relationship with a girl he later married. I have since divorced my husband. He and I started getting closer because he knew my XH so well that he was the first person I talked to about everything going on. My relationship was so toxic that once out of it, it was a huge weight released off of my shoulders. I've become this woman that I always have been, but that XH had a way of oppressing.

It started as an EA about a year ago. Then turned into a full blown A. Been in the "physical" stage of the A for 7 months now. He says he had no clue I was "this" woman - had he known he would have never married his W. His marriage is over. He told her this. They are doing counseling but he's only doing it so that people will think that he tried to make it work.

I can't imagine my life without him. I think it was just the foundation of a friendship that grew into what it is now. He started as a friend. Then it grew into him becoming one of my best friends. From there I fell completely and wholly in love with him. He says that he is most definitely in love - but that it feels like so much more than that. I won't go into all the "he says this" and "he says that" because I know that words are only words unless there's action behind them.

I have, however, started looking to date other people. I have told him that I don't want him leaving her for me, I want him leaving her for HIM. So, I need for him to think of it like I'm not going to be around after he leaves her. He knows this. He has encouraged me to get out and date. He's doing this for his health (he's had a MULTITUDE of stress related illnesses since they were dating) and for his own happiness. That this is something that he has to do for him. The only thing that I did was show him that there are people out there who genuinely care and that he doesn't have to live like he's been having to live.

I myself was cheated on in my marriage (which makes me feel all sorts of hypocritical). My husband left me for someone who he felt he had found his true other half with. But now, after feeling everything I am about my AP - I completely understand.

I'm excited about the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Mon, 04-19-2010 - 12:17pm

I love your name, Mrs. Jones. That song always reminds me of my relationship with my AP.

It sounds as though things are moving forward with you and your AP. Are you really going out and dating others? Wondering how that's going. It seems like it would be hard, when your heart is with AP. In most cases I tell single APs that they should date single people - if it seems like the married AP is cake eating and not intending to leave the M. That's only fair, that they should try to find the right person to share their whole life with. In your case it seems like your AP is taking the necessary steps to leave his marriage however. Or are you waiting until he absolutely takes that first official step before you will say you will wait for him? I understand that he wants to leave for HIMSELF and not for you, but I'm not sure it's necessary that you date just to prove that. Unless the two of you actually go NC until his marriage is completely legally over, then you just doing some meaningless "dating" won't really prove that he's leaving for himself only. Unless you plan to do the NC, I don't see the point in your dating IF you don't want to. Just my opinion. :-)

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
Tue, 04-20-2010 - 2:55pm

There are a lot of factors going into me trying out the dating thing. He and his wife are going to go to marriage counseling. This was his idea - but the reason that he's doing it is basically for the show. So that people will think that he tried to make the marriage work, whereas he's been trying to make his marriage work since day 1, his family doesn't realize it. They're all kind of fooled about his wife. His wife is someone I've known for a long time (longer than I've known him). I don't want to dig in too much on her - but suffice it to say that there were a lot of people trying to talk him into not getting married to her. His family, save his mom, are all blinded by how his wife "acts" around them. Anyway - he had already told his wife they were done a couple of weeks ago, she cried and begged for another chance and he said they needed to go to counseling but that that was the last straw. In his heart, he knows it's done - but to save face they're going to attempt counseling. This way, her family is now aware they're having problems as is his family. So when the final straw is reached, it won't come as a HUGE shock to everyone involved. Does that make sense?

Because our families know each of us, and they know that he and I talk regularly and his wife on several occasions has referred to me as "your girlfriend" to him. She's jealous of how nice he is to me (to which is response is "if someone is nice to you, it's easy to be nice to them). We don't really want a whole lot of people questioning my involvement in this. So, we figured if I'm going on dates or whatnot, it'll be harder for people to point fingers. Truth is, his marriage was "over" long before I came into the picture like I am now. He just assumed that he was stuck in it. I realize it's a cowardly way out to want to cover up what we have going - and as weird as it sounds we want to hurt as few people as possible, but we can't NOT be together. I never understood the term "you complete me". In fact, it always really wanted to make me gag - but this man absolutely does complete me. Anytime I envision my future, he's right there with me. It's an amazing feeling and something I've never experienced before.

I'm not actually dating right now. I had one man ask me out for coffee (and I've made that known to people so that his wife will know about it as will her family/his family). I haven't gone out with anyone. The thought of going out with anyone makes me ill to my stomach. I can't imagine being with anyone but my AP. So it's a great idea in theory - but follow through....haha. Doubtful I'm going to date.

We'll see how it goes.

His wife is trying to cop out on going to counseling but he's told her that's the only way to try to save anything. She's afraid if they go to a counselor they'll tell them that they shouldn't be married...haha! She just thinks if she leaves him alone and they don't fight then they're doing great! When in reality they aren't fighting, but they also aren't talking, at all! They're "exisiting". So I told him to give her a list of counselors and prices and tell her "pick one, and we need to make an appointment by XXXX date" otherwise, she's just happy to "exist". He has the list of counselors and is supposed to give it to her sometime in the next day or so.