Its been 19 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Its been 19 years
11
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 3:10pm

I've been lurking here for quite a while, took me a long time to finally post.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 2:49pm

>>>"but why does he stay in an unhappy relationship and when they do split up he drives himself and her nuts till she finally comes home and then out of guilt he will not speak to me sometimes for a month"<<<

Lets see, he married her twice even though you both were in an A? And your statement above tells me this MM is really in love with this W. He compartmentalize and puts you away in a shelf somewhere and he knows you will always be there waiting. I'm thinking he probably thinks of you as just his safety blanket. I know you're both getting something out of this or else why stay? (19-years??? wow!) It's obvious to me you're in deeper than he is and now you're wanting more. Sorry to say that I don't think he's in the same page with you on this one.

>>>"he'll call out of the clear blue sky and we are right back to where we started"<<<

Well of course, that's what we "cake-eaters" do.

>>>"I can't for the life of me figure out why if we love each other so much, have such a great time together and have such and awesome relationship why don't we just be together?"<<<

That's because he isn't in it as deeply as you are. I'm sure I'm gonna get a "it's hard to leave, blah,blah blah" from people who usually don't like what I say but if everyone is honest with themselves they know I'm saying the truth. Men will leave to be with you (general you) if they really want to. And any reasons they give you for why they can't leave is just excuses in my book.

>>>"I would leave DH in a heartbeat and go to my AP I mean...we've already been together half my life, I guess I am at a time in my life, almost 40 years old"<<<

It's NOT a good idea to leave your M for a man. Especially for someone who's sooo comfortable with having a side dish who's just waiting in the corners to serve him hands and foot for 19-years. Trust me you wouldn't want to be this guy's main dish. Look, you're "almost 40" and seems from your post, not content with your situation anymore. Maybe it's time to take a good look at what you really want out of life and also start cleaning out the closets. Your A may have been the buffer that kept you from really examining your M (meaning as long as you're getting your goodies somewhere, you can tolerate being in an unhappy M). Some don't have a problem with that, but not me and sounds like you're also wanting more than just the crumbs he's giving you.

>>>"I don't want to be 70 years old still making secret rendevouz and worried about who might catch us or see us and tell on us but I can see either we are going to have to end it or move forward"<<<

Well, Sweetie, you know what you gotta do. He has it good in both worlds and I'm sure he will not take it upon himself to make the change. But I'm with you here. Something's gotta change. Hmmm, 19-years of lying and cheating? Dang, that has got to take the prize around here....

Good luck.



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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 3:10pm

Funny....you just re-affirmed everything that I have been thinking and as a matter of fact, I told my AP last night that we were holding each other's M together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 4:56pm

Wow....

You know, I've never really gotten into this "I'm 'in love' with you" versus "I love you" thing. To me, the difference is newness and excitement (the former) versus repetitive day-to-day life and familiarity (the latter). In your case, perhaps not 'newness' (19 years, holy cow!!!) but just the fact that you don't live with this man day in and day out.

<>

That's exactly what I was wondering throughout your post. It does sound as if you two are so used to being each other's "side dish" and "life preserver" for when things get bad in each others' respective marriage, that neither of you can give it up. With all those marriages and re-marriages to the same and different people, though (I lost track) were neither of you really single at the same time? I would think that if you had wanted to be together, you (both) would have made sure that the divorces coincided so that you could work that out. I would say that if it hasn't happened by now, it ain't gonna...

I believe you're doing the right thing by no contact, but I feel for you... it's going to be very hard after all those years! Welcome to the forum...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 5:13pm

You gave this lady some very ggod advice. I myself have been having an affair with a "cake eater" for 7 years. As time goes on I'm more and more unhappy, especially since I KNOW he lies to me and tells me things just to make me happy. I used to be able to bury my head in the sand, make excuses and ignore it but it's just become too much.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 6:13pm

For what it is worth, Crazy, in a wierd way I can see how you found yourself here.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 6:30pm

I guess the thing about being "in love" and "love" to me is the fact that I feel like if my H and I split tomorrow i would be fine but when I think about splitting from my AP, I can't breathe!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 7:57pm

Wow... Yes, I know I said that before, but I'm dizzy! LOL That is quite a story...

I'm sorry; I'm not trying to be callous. You and he have been through so much! Yes, it does sound like several of these marriages and re-marriages were out of spite or anger between you.

I have to disagree respectfully with one of the previous posters who said that perhaps your AP isn't as "into" you as you are to him. Perhaps you are each others' security blankets, but that is working both ways. I wish I could make sense of the fact that you two are so close emotionally and physically, yet you can't do the planning and commitment thing that is required to be together long-term. As for now, he's entangled in this dysfunctional marriage to a woman he moved in with after knowing her online for one night (did I read that right? Lack of good judgement, anyone?). I think that for anything between both of you to work, it's going to take an act of God, and a whole lot of mature planning and follow-through that I don't think this guy is capable of, at least now.

I do wish you the best of luck. You have been through a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 8:30pm

Geez, until I put this all in writing I never saw how insane we are!!!!


This is going to be really hard because as I said we are truly best friends above and beyond anything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 3:16pm
Day 3 of NC, what a living hell!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 1:02pm
Well I'm officially weak!

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