it's been awhile, but have a question
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it's been awhile, but have a question
| Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:51am |
hi everyone, i haven't posted in a really long time, but i lurk everyday.
| Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:51am |
hi everyone, i haven't posted in a really long time, but i lurk everyday.
no there is no way you can get him to realize they take take take..he will see that on his own and if you try to bring it to his attention he may resent you or think you have an ulterior motive for saying these things...
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Be careful. I see a few red flags here. Keep in mind I am saying this from my own experience. But he and his W don't talk because he does not have the guts to tell her the truth. He will not grow courage. Keep that in mind. And the more you do for him the more he will let you. This is not a slam, but he feels that you are sufficient and independent so you can do this while he takes care of himself and the others around him. I have some experience with this. Trust me when I tell you this is a very hard cycle to break. If I could do things over again (and in the process save lots of heartache and wasted time) I would have let my former AP/BF hoe his own row and find me when he was done (which would have been never in my case).
I know it is hard, but you are questioning these things now. I would hate to see you still questioning them years from now the way I did. Chances are he does know everyone else takes and takes, but you give and give and that suits his needs very well. Don't forget about your own needs. Ask if they are being met. If they aren't ask how they could be and if you see it happening.
Good luck. I know the transition period can be challenging.
And I sense
Of course his kids are going to "take" from him, as it should be. They are the most important people in this situation. More than you, more than him. Being a mother yourself, I'm sure you know this. As for the other people in his life, don't know really what to say about that except when it all boils down, whose problem is it really? Yours or his? I say his. If he's not upset or bothered by it, then I'm not sure I understand why you are, you know? If it's because he's basically being lazy when it comes to his own responsibilities for himself, then I would say the best course of action is to stop doing things for him. You're not his mother, afterall. He's a big boy. Make him be one by stopping doing things such as hooking up his cable.
Other than the fact that it's annoying to have to do things for someone when they're quite capable of doing it themselves, I'm not sure I really understand what the problem is here. Since you are still married yourself, I'm not sure what would change for you if he were to get talked into coming back home. It's not like if he went back he would therefore not be free to be with you, as you're not free to be with him.
Anyway...I say stop doing those things. They're his responsibilities, not yours.
I appreciate everyone's input...and I am going to stop "doing" for him and worrying about him and let him deal with his issues himself.