its been a long time... update

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
its been a long time... update
12
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 3:53am
Hi everyone, its been a while since I've posted. I took so many things to heart from gurl etc.. and really have been looking at me. Whats best for me etc.. and have had NC with OM for a while. That is until he phoned last week. We talked for the first time, about what this could be, what little imput he has been putting into it, and how I have just started University again and need time to study etc.. need a clear mind, not a worried desperate one.

I am going to NL in march. OM knows this, and i can get 2 days away from H, and family. OM said to leave it all to him. He has much to make up ( his words ) and that anytime together will be great, even if it was just an afternoon. But its not. Its going to be 1 1/2 days. I told him I was not going to sleep with him. He said, 'well you say that now, but when we're together that will change..'I think in the beginning thats all i wanted, but now there has been so many hurt feelings,and missing him ( apparently him missing me too..) that I just dont want to 'give in' until i know where we stand.

So my dilemma is that I do want to spend the night with him. I do want to have him hold me all night,but I know myself, and maybe I will get carried away.. sounds so stupid writing it, but i want to trust myself. and i want to get to know who he is, and i think sleeping together now, will ruin that.

Any tips??

ALso, who pays. I know lame question, but he said he wants to go and plan everything for our time together.. but when we get to the hotel, do just whip out some cash.. i am okay and used to paying ( at leas when i dated before.. i was married..) but this is so weird, and i don't want him to think he's paid for 'it' or anything. Stupid thoughts, but i am getting nervous.. what to wear to bed. Usually a big t-shirt.. but isn't that a bit wifey... ( his wifey at least.. ) arg... any advice is thanked..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 9:52am
HI Mik

Ask youself way do you think anything has changed , way things will be differnt this time.

Do you have a real reason or just want to believe it.

Sounds more like he is just intent on sucking you back in to the affair.

THE QUESTION: Is it worth it, is it worth the pain and the other costs that could come with it, only you know.

I suggest rereading the posts that Gurl posted to you a bunch of times before makeing any decisions.

FREE

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 12:29pm
I think its great that he is intent on 'sucking me back into the affair'. Do you personally know MY whole story. I am thinking not, cause then such a statement would seem out of place. I know why I am doing this. I know now why he is. And regardless of who you, me free think about this, i will continue to only heed the advice from those who have genuinely advised and listened to the entire story. No offense. I think that many here will say they are open for open advise from all sides, but honestly I have yet to read a 'kind' posting from you free, and if you hated yourself for being in an A all so many moons ago, then deal with it, don't discourage us all from making our own 'mistakes' as you put it.

I know its possible to not only LOVE two men at once so deeply you could die, but also to know myself better through my experiences then anyone spitting out her horrible mistake advice ever can.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 12:42pm
hey mikko

Just remember that Free's just trying to make you think. mikko, I've been there, and I know (I think) what you're going through. You're going to go, and damn it, you'll most likely sleep with him!! I know you want to trust yourself, but that is one HELL of a temptation.

Hon, you have til March to think about this -- so think about it. OK? You said you're back in school...think about this, but concentrate on your studies as well. I have no answers for you, but I would hate to see you towards the end of your semester all torn up and confused again.

OK?!!


Charlotte

 

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 3:00pm
thanks, i appreciate it. I will just be careful. I have a H and he has a W and 2 kids, and we have to do some real talking and maybe planning for the next time. I don't want to hate myself or OM at the end of just at day and 1/2. Seems so quick still. Maybe i'll sleep in the chair... :-) I am a big girl, but have stuck with the notion that i never sleep with anyone unless I am in love. I am pretty selective about who gets in , and so far only 3 have succeded and I am 26, so i think i can be strong. We shall see, thanks for the support and keep you all posted..
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 6:05pm
HI Mik

any advice is thanked::: were these not your words and were they not posted on a public board.

One thing about mistakes of this type is that they can end up takeing a toll on a lot of people that did not ask for it or make them.

I did find some of your posts you did not really sound so happy in most of them.

Clearly you have not been reading many of my posts or you do not understand what kindness is.

No offense taken or meant

GOOD LUCK

free

PS WE CAN BE POLITE AND IGNORE EACH OTHER




Edited 1/17/2004 11:28:07 PM ET by mefreenow

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 8:33pm
Hi Mik,

I too, have seen some of your posts regarding this R. Free was being very kind in what she wrote and she was just trying to make you think and see things for yourself. I believe you got upset because you really know where she is coming from and you can't stand that what she is implying is true. Do you really want advice like your post stated, or just responses that you want to hear? Try rereading this poem you wrote...

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=33976.1&ctx=128...and all your other posts.

You have the answers to your own questions and your past posts should provide you with all the correct advice you need. If this all makes you angry, then you are really angry with yourself and projecting it on those who will not sugar coat the situation for you. I know this is more blunt than I'd like to be, but reread your old posts yourself and then try to be really honest with yourself.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 8:58pm
hey pen

Did you ever check out the yoga posts?! LOL

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 9:47pm
Hi Charlotte,

I saw one or two. But I am guessing that most of her posts where in response to a thread already started. So I came across a couple. I did not see enough to get a feel for her style though.

Pen

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 1:02pm
thank you for researching my details, and past postings on the yoga boards.. LOL yourself. I am so glad that along with being experts on how to f up relationships that you are also ( char also ) great private invesitgators..

I came to this board as everyone does looking for support, and advice and agreed, I have been hurt, ( thanks for sending a link to that poem btw, i forgot how much i loved it.. ) and i will be hurt again as WE ALL WILL BE.. again, its great to be looked after, but that mirror you are holding to me, also faces back at you, just remember that.

NOTHING can be perfect all of the time.. your own affairs, your kids, your marriages, relationships with parents, and even jobs ( regardless if you are screwing your boss btw.. ) will all never be perfect all of the time. Once again I have come here thinking we could 'converse like amiable acquaintances' but alas, this is again not going to happen.

I don't object to 'harsh reality' but I would like to learn from my own 'mistakes' no matter what.

thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Mon, 01-19-2004 - 2:06pm
Mikko,

You posted your posts for all with internet access to see. You want support and that is what you got, but you don't want to see if for what it is just like you don't want to see your relationship (or lack of relationship) with MM for what it is. No one has said anything negative to you, you are doing a fine job being negative yourself. No one has attacked your character. Those you lashed out at just brought up things you yourself provided. No one spoke of you messing up your life at all...YOU said that in your last post to me, in so many words. We all know we live in an imperfect world, and know everything is not perfect in our own lives. We ALL have had somekind of hurt and WE ALL have more hurt coming if we are to continue living. We all deal with it differently. You choose to deal with yours by posting to a public board and then getting angry when you get replies that come from info YOU provided. I have not judged you, so I don't get your comment about the reflecting mirror bit. I guess it just sounds like an impressive thing to say when being defensive.

What is so non-amiable as directing you back to your own posts? If anyone is being hostile, it is you. No one indicated that you are not entitled to make your own mistakes either. Does the fact that you are doing an awful lot of surmising tell you anything? What is your definition of support anyway? To encourage you to pursue an R with this MM? Or to state the facts you provided so YOU are equipped to think for yourself and make your own decisions?


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