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| Sat, 04-03-2010 - 11:19pm |
i first posted on here mostly as a form of self-preservation...i have no one to talk to. not that i think i want to, but sometimes things just build and i feel alone. i don't mind that mostly. i'm married almost 24 yrs...3 kids...youngest is 16...happily married for the most part. he's good to me. and i love him. my affair (still hard to say that sometimes) started after i went to work after almost 20 blessed yrs as a stay-at-home mom. and i am not THAT kind of person...don't mean that in a harsh way...but you know...anyway...there is an amazing connect with AP that we both felt from the start. took me a while to jump in, but i'm hooked...last summer he left for a yr long deployment to iraq. broke my heart. i worried about him, his wife, his girls...lots of things and of course, i had a pity party for me. but we have kept in constant contact. and life took a different turn for him. he had a medical condition that brought him home.
he's fine, but was no longer able to be in a combat situation. he spent months stateside waiting for the military to decide what would happen and he has finally decided on retirement...he spent over 30 yrs in the national guard with 3 yrs of active duty. while he was waiting to find out what would happen we would chat online...talking about all kinds of things...there were times he thought he would go crazy...nothing to do while he waited. he was only a few hours from home, so he got to come home often, but in between we talked more frequently than he and his wife. we grew very close. shortly before his release from duty we actually got to meet at a motel for about 4 hrs. that's the longest we've been together and it was amazing! not just the sex, but being able to talk and just sit without anyone watching us or worrying that someone would show up. a private time for us. i often feel a certain insecurity about him, because he's so good at controlling his feelings...and he knows this...and this was his idea...so it was so special!
now, he's home...finally. and he will return to work in a couple of days, but he was able to contact me and ask me to meet him on one of my off days and it worked out...once again reassuring me that there's a part of him for me...and it means the world to me. we are both so certain that we are where we belong...with our families that we created seperately and choose to continue to be there for...so being together is not an option. too many people to let down...but we agree that this is different...and i often wonder how long it can last...we are true friends at heart...but secret friends mostly...folks at work know there is an "us" but in a funny way, ya know? not really in a serious way...we are all pretty easy going and close where i work...
i just wanted to update...mostly that he is well and home and safe and it's important to me for him and his family that he is there! i'm so thankful for that! he has a good wife and daughters who depend on him and he takes that responsibility seriously...but he is part mine...not in a selfish "i claim him" way...(my DH claims me in that way...and i hate it)...but in a way that i can't describe to anyone...we can't even explain it to each other...we just laugh and smile and enjoy...
our situation is so strange, that we have good spouses that we care about...we have our problems, of course, but nothing bad that drove us to each other...i know that i work hard to take care of DH and his wants and needs...he DW is more suspicious of him...his line of work has always been a worry for her and she's just always questioned him, but for me...this would be the last thing my DH would suspect...i don't mean that i stress making sure things appear normal...but i don't intend to hurt him...even though i know that is always possible and maybe i already am even though i don't see it...
this was so long...and is partly a release...joyfully so...if you've read so far...THANKS! and bless your heart...
for now, my heart is happy...and smiling...
-hischocolate-

I remember you chocolate!
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i understand what you are saying completely. that is a worry...in a selfish way, i think. but i know that what i'm doing is a selfish thing anyway. i understand that i'm a "cake eater"...i don't know of another life other than the one i have and cannot imagine destroying it, but i guess a part of me has to realize that it's possible. and letting the people that i do love down would be the worst. and i do love my family. i realize that some think otherwise, but i know my heart...and my heart loves both men...that doesn't even touch on the love for my kids. and i know that he loves his family as well...this is the only time either of us have done such a thing...but yes, we both live in a partial state of denial regarding "d-day"...
it's helpful to know that others out there are living with the same thing...
truly in all of this...the knowledge that he is home and safe is the happiest part!!!
-hischocolate-