It's ending. Need thoughts on goodbye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
It's ending. Need thoughts on goodbye.
9
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 11:56am
I just got an email from MM from an account I know his W can check. (He has another account that she presumably doesn't know about.) The email was short and brutal. It simply said that he loves his W and wants to work on his marriage and to never contact him again. I know he sent it to prove to his W that it is over between us and that he feels forced into it to try to stay with his kids. I'm not sure whether to respond or not. I actually had written out a goodbye email before I heard from him. It was just letting him know that I'll always love him, that I hope he finds what he wants in life and that I wish him the best. At this point, though, I'm actually angry at him for mentioning my phone call in his email. I had thought it through and wanted to tell him that goodbye is best. But now I'm sure it looks like I was pursuing him. I'm also angry that he didn't find a way to say goodbye privately. I'd have done that for him. Anyway, as much as I want to say goodbye, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just let go and trust he knows how I feel.

Thoughts???

And thanks to those of you who have supported me through all this. My A is definitely over now and there will NOT be another. Like Red, I'll work on putting my marriage back together (if possible) and try to move on. I'll probably post on the ending board - but I'll stick around here too. I like you guys too much to leave. :o)

Peace

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:11pm
GB2,

I want to wish you strength as you deal with the end of your A. I know your situation and mine are very different, but I know how difficult this must be for you. Just allow yourself to grieve the end of the R and try to move forward. I hope you are able to resolve the issues in your M that led you to this point. As you already know, that won't be easy either. I hope you and your H choose to go to counseling because I honestly believe that is the best way to work through the problems you know about and those you may not be fully aware of. No matter where life takes you, know that you deserve happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:13pm
Let it go, hon. Forced or not he had no right to be rude and cruel, and he most certainly could have found a better way of saying goodbye. The only excuse that I can think of is that he is probably not thinking very clearly at the moment. I am almost sure he's been having regrets since the moment he hit "send." Still - do not respond to him. Let him come back to his senses and apologize. I have a feeling he will. And if he doesn't - then he isn't worth your love.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:16pm
Ahh those emails that must have been wriiten to please others. They define my "love story", so as to speak. I have been where you have been. I must amend that and say I have been stuck in limbo at that stage for ever. Hey, are we talking about the same guy here??? :):)

I have wondered the same things like why not do it privately - why all the drama, you know?? I would have done the same if I had to deny things with my husband. I have come to the realization that it must be part of that self denial character and refusing to take responsibilty. To worsen the situation, my OM can beg to reconsider. Reconsider for what - more denials and dissapointments?? Hmmmm, I can live without those you know. This heart can take only so much punches in a life time. Nuff said.

If I were you, I wouldn't email him. You know you wish the best, he probably knows it too in the corner of his heart somewhere. That is my thought, that is what I will do. Walk away with your head helf high and you know what its his loss, not yours. THat's what I think anyway about my situation. I can't definitely put up with the rubbish that he gets from powers that be in his life. Its sad and to think he thinks I am in a bad marriage that can't be fixed. I want to say "look at youself buddy before you talk about others living in bad situations" oh well, thanks for letting me air my problems, this post was definitely theraputic. Thanks and see you on the other board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:26pm
Thank you Omaha. Your words mean a lot to me. I agree that our situations are different, but there are similarities too. In this case MM and I love each other very much (despite the hostility in his final email) but in the end we are choosing to stay in our Ms. I know he's doing it mainly out of a fear of losing his kids, but deep down inside I think he does love his W - and he could be in love with her again if only she'd treat him better. If there were one thing I could say to him it would be to tell him to stand up for himself. I think he can change if he wants, but I doubt his W will. He shouldn't stay in a bad situation and allow himself to be pushed around and miserable. I wish I could direct him here to see how you and Rain are getting by. I think he'd relate to a lot of what you say. I know he'd admire you, as I do, for making a decision and following through, regardless of how painful it might be.

At any rate, all this is behind me now. It has to be. I know I'll be grieving the R for quite some time. In fact I think I can safely say it will always be with me, at least to a certain extent. But I'll move on and find my way back to a happier life (with or perhaps without my H).

Oh - and I DID reply to MM's email. I wrote two sentences which simply said that the reason I tried to call was to say essentially the same thing he said in his email, and that he won't hear from me again. I felt a reply was needed in order to bring closure. Now MM and his W both know I got the message and that I'm done.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:46pm
GB2,

I am glad you got a chance to get a closure, I didn't get any chance. Yes, it was brutal.

I agree about men like our "others" probably kind of prefer to stay in the situations they are and that they don't do anything different to change. It sad to see them live such a roller coaster life - wanting happiness but lacking the motivation to imporve their life, kind of happy with status quo. It a sad place to be - status quo. Might as well be in hell or in Iraqi prison... LOL

GF


Edited 5/12/2004 12:47 pm ET ET by go_fish

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 12:47pm
GB2,

This all sucks so bad, doesn't it? I'm sure MM has been put in a situation that forced him to choose. Much as he likes (loves) you, the other stuff: kids, finances, uncertainty and all that baggage that goes with a divirce won out. But only barely I'm sure. You have to go back and remember the good things and conversations you had together and realize he spoke that out of truth. I'm sure he still feels that way. You did the right thing sending the e-mail BTW. It would have been nice to end it in private (I would have done that too) but we don't live in an ideal world. At least you're not in limbo and you can get on with things. Things will get better - I tell myself that every day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 1:05pm
Goingbonkers2-

It sounds like a "forced" email but regardless, he should have at least emailed you from his private email account to explain further. Everyone is different so you need to think what will bring closure to the A for YOU! I personally would write him an email not for his benefit but for my own closure and benefit. Whatever happens, always remember things happen for a reason!

Best of Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 1:10pm
oh, one more thing I wanted to add before I get back to work. Its a hopeless situation - these men never change. Talk about pride and ego. It so high up there and its leading them a lifetime of despair, but ego is blinding. Its sad that you would spite yourself to make others feel bad, even if they want the best for you. Very sad, but I guess we all do make concious choices, whatever may drive it.


Edited 5/12/2004 1:11 pm ET ET by go_fish
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 1:18pm
EVERYONE - thank you so much! Your thoughts and support mean more to me than words can express. Closure? Well, as much as I'm likely to get I suppose. Just as MM's final email was really meant more for his W than for me, so my reply was meant more for his W than for him. I hope that he knows this. Actually, I'm sure he does.

lostvoyage - thank you for giving me some insight into what MM might be feeling. I'm sure you are right - that the fear of losing his kids, the financial issues, etc. are what prompted him to take the path he's taking. And really, I cannot blame him. Am I not choosing to follow the same path myself (for now at least)? I do, however, blame him for not finding a way to say a more private goodbye. But I'm sure he must feel tremendous pressure to have done what he did. It isn't like him at all. In fact, he is one of the most open, communicative people I've ever known. And I rarely had to deal with NC since he called or emailed almost every day. Knowing him as well as I do I'm sure at the moment he's feeling a bit of relief (as I am to know that things have been decided) but I also know that an overwhelming amount of suffering and remorse is headed his way. I am his soulmate. He is mine. It will hurt to live without each other. But we'll do it. One of these days maybe I'll post the email he sent last week. It was a preliminary good bye in the form of a poem and it was one of the sweetest things he's ever sent me. I will hold onto it as it is an expression of his TRUE feelings (unlike the actual goodbye).

I know that you've been struggling a lot recently with your own situation. I just want to send my well wishes your way. Search your heart - you know what is right for you. Change is hard but in the end it is well worth it. And your children will admire you all the more for being true to yourself.

Peace

GB2