it's hard to keep this going

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
it's hard to keep this going
10
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 10:35pm
i've been at this for a while. i struggle everyday with it. we see each other when we can,but that is not too often since we don't even live in the same city. we talk on the phone and email each other regularly to try and make up for things, but still it takes a toll. i love him so very much, but a great deal of the time i am w/o him.

i just want to hear how you all deal with it? how do you deal with being apart?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 10:29am
I know it is hard. My situation is not any better than yours. I haven't seen him in almost a year, though we do stay in touch through e-mails and phone. He helped me get through the initial stages of missing him terribly. He is much better at separation than I am because of his history. Anyway, to answer your question, there are no easy answers. He is always on your mind. You need to tell him and ask him to help you, if he can. But you have to help yourself by being strong. It comes from an inner place. And how much you can tolerate to keep it going. If it gets to be more painful than you can bear, you have to rethink it but tell him what you are going through and if you can no longer keep it going. Don't leave him in the dark about what is going on with you. It takes a lot of support and communication between the two of you to subsist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 12:15pm
That's funny you say he is better at the seperation part because it is that way with him too. We have had many talks about my feelings and he does comfort me. He tells me to be strong and that we need to band together and stay the course. I try and take his words to heart, but the want and the need of him sometimes overrides his words and I still wind up feeling blue. One thing for sure this distance affair is not for the faint of heart. There is not a moment in my day that he is not on my mind.I have seen him only twice this year and he is trying to work on a third, but you know how that goes.

It is good to know there is someone else out there who bears this. Who deals with the emails and phone calls and the not seeing each other at a whim. Thanks,:)!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:08am
Sunshine - Just asking. How long has your EMA been going on for? Are either of you married? How long have you known each other? Mine has been going for 18 months. We are both married and we met over 30 years ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 1:04pm
It's been going on for close to 3 years. You'd think I'd be an old pro by now, :), but, it's still just as hard as yesterday. He's married & has kids (very young). I'm divorced. We've known each other for a very long while, but nothing was ever there till I started having marital problems. Then he stepped in to comfort and console. Nothing happened at first, but you know how that goes, one thing led to another and 3 years later here I am. Like I've said we don't live in the same city, same state, at least, but it's still hard. He can't just come at whim nor Can I go at whim either. So I wait. It's all up to him when we can get together since he's busy with work and everything.

It's a struggle and it sucks, but I'm still knee deep in it.

How come you haven't seen him in a year? Are you OK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 3:31pm
Sometimes it is very hard to keep things going. I haven't seen MM in nearly 6 months, and probably won't see him for at least another 2 months. Even though he constantly tells me how much he misses me and we always try to plan our next *meeting*, sometimes not having the physical aspects of the relationship is too much to bear.

The best way I deal with the LD is keeping busy. It makes the time go by faster and somewhat keeps my mind off him (although not completely). This board helps a lot too. I don't think I have helped you any, but at least you should know that you are not alone. Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 3:47pm
I have been in my "relationship" for two years. It has been a daily battle of the heart and mind since day one. I get through it by just knowing that this is not going to last forever. I will either get fed up with the situation all together or I will finally settle down with someone for real.

I have tried to break it off so many times but it never lasts longer than two weeks.

What also keeps me going is that I don't pass up other healthy opportunities. I also have casual sex with other people when I meet someone that I find attractive but would never have a relationship with. Have fun on the side! Go nuts! Because even though there are actual feelings involved on your part and I'm sure on his part also...

Remember... to him, you are " a thing on the side " Don't ever feel guilty for having your cake and eating it to because isn't that what he's doing to you and his wife?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 7:23pm
It's been a year because of distance. We can't just pick up and say we are going to such and such a state. There was a conference going on in his city and when I mentioned to my H about going to it alone, a red flag went up. That sort of thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 12:03pm
You're right the physical aspect is tremendously hard. I do keep busy.

I do agree this board is a big help. Knowing that there are other women like me out there who understand. You have helped more then you'll ever know, :).
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 1:52pm
Well said, :). It's true, lol, he has it quite well. I agree totally. He's got the wife there and me here which makes out to be an ideal situation for him.

I keep busy. I continue with my life as such. I have a ex who continues to come over quite often and I see other aquaintences, but I just chose not to engage with them.

This whole thing is out of whack. Anyway you look at it. Nobody wins, but yet, we still continue to be in it. Don't we?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Tue, 08-26-2003 - 2:00pm
That's too bad, :(. I hope you get to be with him soon.

Just remember the good times and know that when you see him they'll be a lot of catching up to do, ;).