"It's just sex, right?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
"It's just sex, right?"
5
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:23pm
I'm resopnding to mikkolover's comment in the last thread. She made a comment that..."it's just sex, right?" That put me into a mood to write a reply. I'm not bashing her or anyone else. Far from it. I'm simply using her comment as a vehicle to express a point of view of a man on a subject that goes directly to this board's raison d'etre: cheating.

In terms of cheating, the attitudes of men and women aren't in the same ballpark--or even in the same galaxy. If a woman suspects her husband is cheating she will boil all her angst down to a single question: "Honey, were you in love with her?" (It would do no good for a man to lie in such situations. Men are hard-wired to know when they are transparent, and the Man Upstairs has given women the gift to see through men's BS when it really counts.) If the man says..."No. It was just sex."...then the wife will be tremendously hurt, but she'll recover. She'll treat the hurt, likely, in a way she'd regard a broken bone. "It'll mend" she mentally tells herself.

Let's look at the flip side. If a man suspects his wife is cheating on her, then he will bombard her with 17,000 different questions. But there's really only one question he wants a truthful answer to, and that question is: "Did he _ _ _ _ you?" If she says yes, then chances are the marriage is over. Most men can absolutely NOT tolerate to be cuckolded. Most men (and this is NOT an exaggeretion) would rather have their wives fall in love with the mailman in a sexless way than have her have a fling with the FedEx delivery guy and still be in love with her husband. What I'm trying to say here is this: To a guy, there is no such thing as JUST SEX. Sure, that same husband could very well cheat on his wife in the future. Husbands are very good at forgiving their own transgressions, but they will not very likely be so accommodating when it comes to forgiving their wives' similar sins of the flesh. In contrast, a husband might very well have to be reminded that his wife is falling in love with such-and-such. As long as she isn't touching, then the husband's ego and 'man-ness' isn't that affected.

The above was only one opinion, albeit an opinion of a man. But I'll bet you dollars-to-donuts that if you show what I've written to a married guy that he'll probably agree with most of what I've writen here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 9:44pm
That's interesting that you say that, ock. Just about every guy I've ever known is like you say...only interested in what it comes down to...did they sleep together. And I am definitely of the 'did you love her' camp. While I would certainly hate it if my husband had done to me what I did to him, and I would kill myself with comparisons and self-loathing, still, ultimately, I *would* comfort myself with the 'it's just sex' line.

Conversely, the only two men I know who view this differently than you are stbx-husband and my OM. Both of them are of the 'it's just sex' mindset. stbx is a very logical man who rarely allows emotion to play into his response to life and he would rationalize it with something. And OM has *always* had open relationships with his women on the basis that as long as he's doing his business, other men are out of business. The minute he 'falls down' in his responsibilities to satisfy his woman, then it only makes sense that she look for fulfillment elsewhere. As long as she still loves him and still stays with him, then it's not a problem. It is, after all, just sex and it is her body to do with as she wishes. Yet, aside from me, he's never cheated on his g/f before and as a rule, has not, himself, looked elsewhere if the woman in his life is falling down on *her* responsibilities. Both are very wierd men on this topic, as far as I am concerned!!!

lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:51am
Hey ock, what's your story??
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:08am
Did you get that from the "Psychology Today" article? It's a great article... Here are the paragraphs that I'm referring to:

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Here's the whole article if you want to read it. I posted it here back in late October. It's a great article for many reasons:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/htdocs/prod/ptoarticle/pto-19980701-000026.asp

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 11:27am
Lilah et alia,

No, I didn't get it from that (or any other) article. Most any man could've written that article in "Psychology Today" (minus the psychobabble, of course).

I've been divorced for nearly three years. And now, ironically, I find myself about to board a plane to fly 1,000 miles to spend Christmas Day with my ex and our two daughters--one of which lives in D. C. and the other in Chicago. This will be our first "together-family-occasion" since the divorce. As far as a "pull" is concerned, yes, it's impossible for me to ignore our 29 years of marriage. Nonetheless, I have a new life here--including the pursuit of a woman of my dreams. Many dates and disappointments later, I've yet to meet her.

Happy holidays. I'm outta here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 12:15pm
Sorry, I know no women who if their man cheated on them would be comforted by the fact that it was 'just sex'. Whatever you call it he still can't be trusted anymore. If it was 'just sex' once then it will be 'just sex' the next time and the time after that too. It's gross to think of your man sharing body fluids with people who are strangers to you. I think I would respect my partner MORE if he slept with another woman because he thought for a time that he was in love with her. He would seem a lot less of a dog that way.