It's not just about the sex anymore...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
It's not just about the sex anymore...
9
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:13am
Good morning ladies....

I don't know what to do or what to think! As some of you know, I "consumated" my A last week and it was good. I am glad that I did that, but now I want out...kinda?! I am pretty sure that my SG does not love me or is really even interested in my life at all. I read how some of you girls have a MM to listen to you, help you through your stressful times, but my OM is just there to talk about sex. Which I was ok with at first but now I just wish he would ask me how my day was instead of asking me what I am wearing.

This was fun at first but now I am beginning to think I want more of a friend. I want someone to talk to about everything, like me H. I am feeling so guilty these days that this is the biggest problem in my life these days and I can't tell my best friend, H.

I see it clearly, I should stop this A. He doesn't call me anymore, I have to call him, he doesn't suggest that we meet anymore, I have to suggest. If I start talking about my real life, he says he has to go. I could be overthinking all of this...he does have a steady girlfriend and I am married, but I guess I just want another man to love me as much as my H loves me.

The problem....I passion between OM and I is very intense!! I can't seem to let go of that sexual feeling. I mean my panties get wet just thinking of him and I swear when I see him or better yet smell him walk by I almost have an orgasm. So I can't decide if I want to continue this sexual relationship at the expense of my M. Or if I should just go about my life...my oh so boring life.

Can a guy really tell you how much he wants to F**k you , but not really care about you?

Could he just being distant because he cares but knows I am married and would never leave my H?

I asked him if my calling bothered him and he said "no, don't be ridiculous, your calls will never bother me". I ask that when he doesn't want to talk to me anymore to continue this sexual A to tell me, and he said "I will". He didn't said that would never happen, he said he would?

I really tried to keep this about the sex but I am falling for this guy. I don't want to!!!! I love my H, my family, my position in life...everything...execpt that I love the sex with OM.

Ok I am ready...give me the truth ladies...tell me what I should do..and if you tell me to lose this loser..do you think I could just have sex with him just one more time then call it quits? Hehehe.

arghh,

Happy.

P.S did I tell you he was much bigger than H, and that size does seem to matter :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:37am
Hi happy

I don't know...maybe the few men that visit this board could help you out more. This A is still fairly new, and if you planned on it being based on sex only (the two of you, that is), just be careful. He'll probably stay happy with it being only sex much longer than you (ya know, the gender thing).

It's very hard for us women not to want to feel more (and have that feeling reciprocated). I wish I could help you. All I can suggest is the obvious -- either try to keep it only sex, or tell him point blank that you can't keep it the way it is and feel good about it. Tell him it doesn't have to be all or nothing, but it also doesn't have to be only sex.

I know it's hard (no pun intended)!

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:39am
My A is more emotional. I desperately needed a friend and MM fit the bill. Sex is just a bonus. All I can say is I wish I could call my H my best friend. You are very lucky. I don't think H and I have ever been "friends"! Can you find a way to bring the passion into your M? That would be the perfect answer. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 12:04pm
Hi Happy, once again you are freaking me out with the similarities of our lives and situation. I could have written your post. You are where I was one week after my first ic with SG. The "fix" is kind of wearing off and you are feeling guilty about wanting more now. You want to talk to your H about it because he is your best friend and you always talk to him when something is bothering you this much. This is ruining your life, so to speak, you aren't even thinking about the holidays coming up or any other things in your life...right? My SG is bigger too...size does matter...I bought a dildo the same size as him. Are you talking to your SG since the ic? I haven't yet, nothing since the Thanksgiving e-mail. I have to initiate EVERYTHING. I know others here talk about how their MM calls them, they seem so compassionate, etc. Maybe it's different with the SGs, or maybe it's because we have that with our Hs and we aren't looking for that. Sex is so much better with my H, but so exciting with SG. It's different, my boring life needs that. I have been working on my R with H and we have never been closer. He has no idea that I think of SG all the time. I'd like to have both, but I think it is me being hurt the most, it is ruining my spirit, the secrets, the not feeling so good about myself. What hurts the most is that SG has not called. Yeah he did respond to one e-mail, but big deal. He knows I am confused and a phone call or e-mail would mean so much. He has made me feel like a one night stand. He does not want to know anything about my life, like you said with your SG. That has always bothered me so much. He's bored when I talk about my life, sometimes I've seen a little jealousy though regarding my H, which I liked. Happy, I wish I could help you. You know how confused I am too. I know it helps to hear that others are feeling the same emotions, so that is why I posted. I know exactly how you are feeling...exactly. Give me your opinion on this. SG has a birthday on Monday. I've decided to call his cell and leave a message in my sexiest voice, telling him I have a present for him and it will be a long phone sex message. At the end I'm just going to say "Happy Birthday...bye". If he doesn't respond to that, then I give up. What do you think? I'm glad you posted, I have been wondering how you have been doing. Keep me posted, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 12:19pm
Cowboy...

Do you want my honest opinion here? I hope so cause I am going to give it and hope that it helps. I know I want people to give me there honest opinions.

Don't call him on his bday. Don't don't don't. Let it pass, maybe call him on Tues and ask what he's been up to. But don't call. It will just be giving in and I think you can trust me on this one, once the call has been placed and you hang up that phone, you are going to feel like crap. I've been there, done that. You can call, and then you can come here for support, but I really really deep down inside think that shouldn't call.

Let me know, please.

I have talked to my Om, everyday since he left the country. I call him then he calls me back so I don't have to pay for the long distance. We talk a little about work but then we just do the phone sex thing...it is sooo good...I wish I could give that up! I am not going to call him today. I deciced that I need one day to myself to see if I can slowly go withdrawl from him.

Crazy thing is that he just had surgery on his knee and I just found out today that I need the same surgery so I am dying to ask him questions about that...but it'll have to wait until tommorrow.

Ok take care,

Happy

P.S you were totally dead on about the holiday thing coming up...I am actually sad that I am leaving town to visit my relatives, I've trying to figure out how we can talk over the holidays. Doesn't help that my mom knows the whole messy truth so she'll be watching me.

Oh man I really have to stop this A

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 1:46pm
yes Happy, I want your honest opinion and I appreciate it. The difference is you are calling your SG everyday, AND he calls you back. That is a good sign. I really think it will happen for you again if that is what you want. You are willing to make the first contact because you know that is how it has to be with him. My SG does not make initial contact, never has, it's how it has always been, but he has always responded when I contact him. However, he did not e-mail the next day after ic like he said he would and he did not call me when I asked him too in an im. He responded to one e-mail out of 2 and he replied to both ims, but was brief both times. He is very busy with a new job and needs to make it work big time, I'm giving him that. He was out of work for 7 months and on-line most the time. Now he is never on-line. I don't know why I am suddenly not contacting him, it's driving me crazy. I know he will forget about me. Like I said in another post, everyone here told me several months ago to let him go, but I didn't listen. He came over and we had ic, and I'm glad about that. So, that is confusing me. He is a weird guy, it's like an honor thing with him, hard to explain. If I can't understand him, and I know him, how can I expect any of you to understand him...LOL. I understand what you are saying about the phone sex, I just thought it would be playful, he always liked that about me. I haven't even TALKED to him since that night. It's getting so long ago now and very weird. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 2:44pm
Wow...I think I've seen my future in your post! MM and I haven't consummated our relationship, but he's always been romantic when he isn't having an attack of the guilts. In the early days he reeled me in by telling me how he couldn't stop thinking about me. He'd call me all the time. I've tried and tried to get it back to that, but it seems I'm always doing the chasing. Often I wonder if I just back off and don't call him, what will happen? Would he start missing me? So I do, but it never lasts longer than a day or so without him calling, wanting to see me.

I honestly agree that usually feelings come later for men. I think maybe the sex will bring those feelings about no matter how SG tries to tell himself they won't. The difference in the sexes is how we EXPRESS the feelings. If women are falling, we want to share that information. Many men want to RUN when they start feeling that way, especially if it's a situation like an EMA. They are afraid to give their hearts over and risk getting hurt. It could be that SG has told himself that this is just about the sex, so when you start talking about other stuff, he panics because he doesn't WANT to know about your personal life. Not because he's cruel or heartless but because the more he knows about you, the more he'll fall. Maybe the men on here will help me with this, but that's my take on it. But what MEN don't understand is that if they don't say it, we don't see it. We want proof of their love and they make us read between the lines all the time. We're supposed to intuitively know they care about us. So they don't tell us and we get more and more worried and upset and scared...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:30pm
Happy, You are too happy about this relationship to call it quits. The passion is intense and you want him when you think about him. I know, I feel the same way about my MM. He probably is remaining distant because you are M and you are long distance. Enjoy your relationship with him as much as you can. There is no reason to call it quits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 5:41pm
Men can be involved sexually without wanting to bond. The little head consumes their thoughts. On the other hand, a woman is an emotional creature who wants to be cherished and loved for herself.

You say your husband is your best friend. You might lose your best friend if he finds out about the OM. It's the chance you take.

If you are not on birth control pills, he might not care whether you get pregnant. You probably aren't the only woman he is banging. So you run the risk of venereal disease. Have you ever gotten the crabs? They are little critters that live in your pubic hair, no amount of protection is going to keep them away unless your cut your pubic hair and he also does the same.

You are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache. What if you find out that he has a study girlfriend and wants to marry her?

The magnetic pull that happens between people can be overwhelming and difficult to overcome. One has to be strong. It's like dieting, that piece of cake is sooo alluring, but will put the pounds on. A lot of people will succumb to the temptation, but if you are able to take control of your feelings, the results will be tremendous.

Don't let that 'old black magic' take you over. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:57pm
Well you wondered, and someone else suggested..... so here's at least one guy's prospective.

When I was single I had an affair with a woman who was 15 years older than I. I hate to say this, but I was only in it for the sex. I really didn't care much about her personal life. After a while, it was quite clear she was way more into this than I was, so I jumped ship. Now before all you ladies trash me, I can assure you I am not that same person. I can totally relate to these questions. In fact, now I want more than anything to be able to come home and have my wife at least ask me how my day was and pretend that she at least understands some small aspects of my profession. Someone to stand there with you when things are tough, to just sit with and talk, to be my friend. I don't have that, so I know what you mean. Don't get me wrong, I still think about the sex way too much, but I certainly have a different viewpoint on the whole picture. It doesn't sound like you are going to get much more than what you got from this guy. I think he would be letting you know that if it were not the case. That is, you would hear more of him. He is single so do you really think that he will stick around? I know everyone is different, but I had no interest in that at that time. Sorry, I wish I had better news. But that's just my story. Good fortune.