It's only the beginning, so many ???s

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
It's only the beginning, so many ???s
9
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 10:57am
Hello everyone

I just wanted to know (withOUT making a personal attack) how you all deal with the fact that you cheat on your significant others.

I feel like I'm on the edge, I'm in a LTR with a dear man, but we've been having problems, and I have met someone new. I'm not married, so I assume that my situation may be different than a lot of yours, but I would still love any advice, comments, etc. that you would care to give me.

I don't want to leave my DBF, for various reasons, but I am finding myself very very very attracted to another man. We have plans to meet for lunch on Tuesday, and this will be the first concrete sign of an A so far.

I used to think that everything was black and white, and that I would never "solve" my problems by cheating. But I have realized that there are a lot more shades of gray out there.

I would like to know if there are other out there, in a commited relationship who have been entertaining the possibility of spending your time with another (single) person. Lots of posts (though not all) that I have read have been people either married themselves, and carrying on with another married person, or a single whos dating a married person.

Again, I want to restate that I am NOT making a judgement on anyone. I just never thought I would be in this postion. What did everyone else think when they were starting thier A?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 1:13pm
If you're in a committed LTR it's probably not much different than the rest of us married folks. My MM, as a matter of fact, is not "technically married" but for all intents and purposes, he IS married. He's been with his "W" for about 14 years; they live together and raise her son. For me, I don't see a difference. I guess legally there would be, but no difference in the heart. What I imagine might be challenging and other folks could speak on this is that your OM is single. I think it might be harder when one is free to do things/see eachother and the other is not. YOu asked how we deal with it? Well, I would say most of us never planned to be here. I know for me and MM, we thought we could keep eachother in our lives w/o hurting our families, sometimes we don't know how to stay together and don't know how to leave eachother. We fell in love when we thought we could control the situation...we're still trying but it's always a challenge when your heart wants more. In the beginning you feel like you can control everything but feeling and emotions get so intense and it becomes hard to keep things separate. It's a struggle for me, 4 years later...but we're still plugging...we always thought we could leave if it got too confusing or hard and no one would get hurt. Now if we leave, we hurt too. It's a painful existence but also a very happy one...at times.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 1:56pm
What did I think? I thought that having her in my life somewhat was better than not having at all. Even though her being uncertain about divorcing her husband and marrying me makes me climb the walls and go nuts the most important thing is that I have her - and that's all that matters.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:06pm


do you live with dbf?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:25pm
Thanks for all of your replies so far! Yes, I do live with my DBF, have now for over two years. It's hard for me to accept that I don't want to leave my DBF, but I still want the benefits from this new guy. I never thought I would be someone who would have their cake and eat it, too. =)

How do you deal with lying and sneaking around? I feel like DBF knows me too well and will guess about my intentions.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:10pm
I know for me I never thought I would cheat let alone have a second relationship. When I did cheat I was only "planning" on doing it once. I needed the excitment (selfish I know). I really couldn't believe I had decided to go through with it. Honestly, after the first time I felt better and thought if might even help my relationship with my H. But as soon as it happened again...and again...and next thing I knew I had fallen in love things turned bad with my marriage (not that things were perfect to begin with). I am a loyal person. My loyalty went from my H to my OM. I now can't be intimate with my H because I feel wrong. My H knows something is up. I think he has to know what is going on but doesn't want to admit it or confront me about it. He almost has the date that I first got involved with the OM. So, clearly I have not done a good job hiding my feelings/emotions. I think everyone is different and every EMA is different. Had I just had a fling a few times my H may not have noticed anything diffent with me but since it turned into more for me I can't be the same towards my H. I feel wrong about acting like everything is okay. It clearly isn't...not for me. I don't know if that answered your question at all but thats my experience. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:50pm
Girl, I ran away!! Really, I was so scared of my feelings I kept denying it and telling myself it was only physical attraction. I didn't react too well I am afraid. LOL It left the MM scratching head with all my crazy excuses to remove my self from all the projects we were involved together. :-) Its taken me a lot time to accept it and I am only glad my MM can kept up with me. LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 7:10pm
Thanks for answering some of my questions. I'm just really interested in how everyone else feels about themselves. I feel very guilty about planning this, but for some reason that's not stopping me. It's nice to know that that I'm not the only one who starts out scared and confused.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 7:35pm

Hi and welcome aboard,


In the beginning of my EMA I was going through many marriage problems and at the time was very frustrated and angry with DH for what he had done to me and us... I think because of this anger... I didn't really feel a lot of guilt at the time.


However... I began to realise that my marriage problems were not all DH's and although he was a big part... I was not at fault either... so I began to slowly rebuild the barriers between us.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 11:20am
Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth, er, hand! That is almost exactly how I feel, too. I have been in my EMA for 4 years next month, my MM is a friend of my H, and over this period of time I have felt guilty very little. What I do feel guilt about is when I can't see MM and I take it out on my family, but as for the A itself, no. What I have tried to do recently (since there has been NC between us for over 3 weeks, and that's a record), is try to focus on what I am doing in that moment and try not to think about him and the fact that he is so very close yet millions of miles away. It's really hard, but it gets just a little easier every day. If I could just talk w/him for more than 2 minutes at a time and get things straight in my head it would help. Maybe someday...