its over... help me with coping!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
its over... help me with coping!
15
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 12:31pm

I am completely hyperventilating and tryinig not to puke but i have to get this out.

short: 3 year A with MM. in April he promised to leave her. in May or so he asked for more time... sept 1.

they had a date the other night that w set up as a surprise. then i found out they're going out tnoight. he tells me not to freak... no red flags we're still on plan. i said this is a date and there are many...can you tell me you're going to leave by sept 1 and he said no. he said he can't leave his kid... it'd bee too hard. he's willing to be in a crappy marraige for a while to stay with the kid. he said he's scared of starting his life over. he says he wants to be with me but can't give me a timeframe. i said i can't do that. i said i wish he loved me more than he was afriad of starting his life over. he didn't say anything. he said he'd been thinking it a couple weeks but knew i had threatened that we coldnt' be friends or barely coworkers and definately not him around my kid if this was over... and he didn't want to lose all that. i said he asked me last april to trust him completely and give him my whole heart and i did both and now he's going back on his word. he got defensive. i told him i understood missing your kid but using him as an excuse is a cop out. so i said i don't know if or when we can ever be anything... and i asked hm to leave my house key on my desk and i hung up.

OMG... i know ti's probably the right thing and long overdue but it's killing me. and worse... knowing they're basically dating...its worse than just us breaking up... he chose her.

OMG... help... any advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 2:14pm

I am sorry you are going through this but like you said,it was overdue.You are not in limbo or living under false lies or promises for a future together.You can now focus on you.It will hard for you to get over it as 3 years was a long time !

I hope you see it as a positive thing and try to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 2:55pm

k - I'm sorry you are going through this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 3:09pm

Oh wow, it sounds like it is hitting you really hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 3:17pm

I just want to second janejosie on the date thing - my AP comes home from his dates wishing he had been out with me, and looking for a note from me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 3:28pm

I'm sorry Konline! I know your hurting, hugs to you.


You gave this MM 3 years of your life! At least now you know where you stand and you don't have to waste another 3 years waiting to see if he'll leave her or not. In the back of your mind there was always that possibility that he'd choose her, right? I know you said they started dating again and he sees he's not willing to risk the life he has and his time with his child to be in another relationship that he's not certain of. Even if he's happy with her or not, this is the life that he's use to. This is what he knows and is comfortable with right now. I'm happy he told you and hope you find the strength to keep your head up and move on.


I know its easier said then done but take this time to reflect on your life and DO YOU!!!


Wishing you all the best!


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 3:38pm

Hi k, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now.


Maybe it is the right thing, happening at the right time. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason, it sometimes makes things easier to bear. It's too bad that he couldn't tell you the truth earlier and given you the chance to continue as is, or move on. You must really love him to have been with him and waited for him to be free for so long.


I totally sympathize as I've been in my R for 3 years as well, also as the single one. I even left my H of 25 years because I fell so much in love with my MM. The difference though is that I feel like a complete idiot loser (no matter how much I love him, and I love him deeply) because I entered into this loving him, yet knowing that he would never be mine IRL....what a dork!


I guess I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope that you can get past this quickly....hopefully your child will help with that as hopefully, you can keep yourself busy with him/her.


Take good care of yourself k, stay strong and don't let him back in!


benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 3:46pm
I couldn't remember the details of your story, K, so I went back through all of your posts for the past year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 6:03pm

You guys rock... I really feel like I'm going crazy.

He of course tried to make contact today and I wouldn't answer and then he stopped by my office (we work together) and said "is this what we're going to be?" I shrugged and he said he wanted me to understand that he was picking a BAD marriage for his kid. I said it still wasn't with ME....that this morning I had a future with him and by lunch I have nothing. He said he'd give me space but he hoped we could be friends b/c i'm his best friend and we suck 'this way'...I just shrugged and he left. NC since and I'd be surprised if there is. We usually talk after work but, after all, tonight is the date and he said he'd give me space (he has much more self control with this stuff... but I really want it to finally be ME in control!)

These thoughts (below) were super helpful - I can get so jealous that I lose sight sometimes of whether I'd be fighting so hard if she didn't exist. I've got to break the habit and jealousy of him.

The good news... after tomorrow... I'm taking a week vacation.. so I shouldn't SEE him for 10 days! I really hope that helps me heal.

I'm still open to any other suggestions before moving to EAS b/c you guys are wise women... and you saw his initial contact coming.

Thanks!!

<...don't obsess that he chose his wife. If all three of you were single today, he would choose you. What she has over you - his child, a marriage contract, a life together that would be disrupted in many ways by a split - are not about you, and they are not about her, your relative value or attractiveness, or how he feels about each of you.>

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 8:19pm

Many hugs to you, k, as I can imagine the pain you're in right now.


I completely agree that you shouldn't focus on the fact that he "chose" his W.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 8:43pm

Konline Im with the others. He hasnt chosen anything. There really was never achoice mate. He has a son and kids always come first. Sadly many people will stay in an unhappy marriage for the children. This may actually be worse for the kids depending how unhappy the marriage is. But this defnately is not about you and her.


He made the only choice he could make, he was foolish and hurtful to ever think or lead you on that he may leave. They RARELY DO. But if you truly love him, support his decision. Stay friends, dont be intimate as women's hearts are fragile.


Have your 10 days to heal. Give him NC. Come back and say we are friends only. I want more than an A, you cant give it to me, so we are only ever going to be friends.


Thats what Id do.

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do

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