its over... help me with coping!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
its over... help me with coping!
15
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 12:31pm

I am completely hyperventilating and tryinig not to puke but i have to get this out.

short: 3 year A with MM. in April he promised to leave her. in May or so he asked for more time... sept 1.

they had a date the other night that w set up as a surprise. then i found out they're going out tnoight. he tells me not to freak... no red flags we're still on plan. i said this is a date and there are many...can you tell me you're going to leave by sept 1 and he said no. he said he can't leave his kid... it'd bee too hard. he's willing to be in a crappy marraige for a while to stay with the kid. he said he's scared of starting his life over. he says he wants to be with me but can't give me a timeframe. i said i can't do that. i said i wish he loved me more than he was afriad of starting his life over. he didn't say anything. he said he'd been thinking it a couple weeks but knew i had threatened that we coldnt' be friends or barely coworkers and definately not him around my kid if this was over... and he didn't want to lose all that. i said he asked me last april to trust him completely and give him my whole heart and i did both and now he's going back on his word. he got defensive. i told him i understood missing your kid but using him as an excuse is a cop out. so i said i don't know if or when we can ever be anything... and i asked hm to leave my house key on my desk and i hung up.

OMG... i know ti's probably the right thing and long overdue but it's killing me. and worse... knowing they're basically dating...its worse than just us breaking up... he chose her.

OMG... help... any advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 3:53am
in january when AP and I met, we didn't have IC b/c his date night with the wife was
when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 7:25am

I am so sorry you are hurting sweetie. I think you did the right thing in ending it at this point. You deserve more, and you thought you were getting more. He let you down and didn't follow through, and now he still wants his marriage AND you. He will use every trick to try to rope you back in, except now it will be under no pretext of his leaving his M.

For what it's worth, I don't think he deliberately lied or lead you on - I think he probably really believed he could leave his marriage. When he realized that he couldn't - he thought, oh well, k will still be there for me, she won't leave me, I can go on like this. He still thinks he can get you back into the situation, and he doesn't care that there's no future in it for you.

I think the vacation will be great, but when you get back, I would have no contact with him. There's too much danger that, once you miss him and are thinking of the good times, you WILL get sucked back in. Don't endanger yourself that way! Maybe someday you can be friends, when you are totally over him and maybe even dating someone else. Not now, and then later, you might see things so differently you won't want to be friends at all. Give yourself the gift and the peace of NC for a good long time.

Keep us updated sweetie. I wish you the best!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2010
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 8:56am
If it helps any, I am hyperventilating also. My pain from my A being over because of D-day and his W catching him all came to a screaching hault and today is day 2.5 with NC. It is killing me inside, almost like I can't function. I dont know who I am and I know damn well I am better than this and he doesnt deserve me. But after his wife blowing up my phone for days trying to find out details and then him just not talking to me anymore because Im sure he is scared, I wonder is he thinking about me at all, will I ever hear from him again and if I do I pray I have the courage to never respond, etc.. I sent a final goodbye email 2 days ago and no response. I have reminders of him EVERYWHERE, EVERY STREET I DRIVE DOWN. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see how long this %$^*&% will take me to get over with just please, one day of not thinking about him at all. Killing me inside. Im trying to focus on healing and myself but Im not doing very well yet. Hugs to you. Its hard, this is my 1st experience with this A stuff and what the HELL was I thinking!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 6:48pm

Today was hard... he tried to stop by my office but someone was with me and I wouldn't even look up... then he texted that he tried to say hi and hoped he still could and I didn't answer so a few minutes later I got a "fine. message received. goodbye." I was DYING to contact him... so I got busy but then ended up agreeing to a meeting a coworker set up with him and 3 others late in the day that didn't REALLY need to happen. I maintained complete professionalism and didn't joke around at all with him (like I would have in the past). It was good. I didn't feel antsy anymore but didn't feel like I talked to HIM. I hope that helps me maintain NC for the next 10 days... and I hope he doesn't contact me.

I talked to a friend and am trying to forget about what I've LOST... and concentrate on what I'll gain... a life free from lies and stress.

I just have to get through the next time there's contact, especially if he wants to talk about US. And I have to not obsess if I don't hear from him that means he's having wild s*x and fallen madly back in love with her. How do you stop the squirrels?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 1:19pm
If you're ending your A, what does it matter, really, if he does fall madly back in love with her? You have to try to let go of even caring about what happens to him and his life, if you truly want to let go of the A, and you truly want to be rid of the squirrels. Eventually it would be nice if you wish him well in your heart - but not breaking NC to tell him LOL.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

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