It's Time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2010
It's Time
8
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 8:29am

Never had an affair previously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: nicnsavan
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 10:33am

nic,


In the beginning, when you are so distracted and clouded up by the fog of the affair, the highs are indeed higher than the lows. There are no lows to experience right now as you are being pursued and the anticipation builds. The lows will come sometime down the road, after the newness and excitement has worn off a little. One or the other will feel guilty. One or the other will get tired of living a lie. One will want more of a relationship than the other can provide. One will start backing off....Affairs pretty much follow the same cycles.


I am an ender but lurk here occassionally, mostly to remind myself of why I never want to go back to having the A. Sometimes I post when something really strikes me.


I will be honest with you and tell you that there's nothing anyone could have possibily said to me that would have dissuaded me from having the affair.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: nicnsavan
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 12:18pm

Hi there ...welcome to MAS :-)

You will get many different perspectives on here depending on where people are at in their own experience and what that A experience is.

Highs and lows first. They are as high and as low as you can possibly imagine but how you deal with them much depends on your own personality I believe and the course your A will take. Undoubtedly however, there will be very high highs and very low lows at some point. You will need to develop incredible emotional and cognitive coping strategies to survive both and don't let anyone tell you that being committed to an AP (affair partner) are the actions of the weak minded or emotionally crippled. It takes bucket loads of emotional strength to do maintain an A once feelings become involved. And they will ...whether you have sex or not.

Would I do it again? Undoubtedly yes! I believe every one of our experiences makes us who we are today ...and I like who I am today ...it took me a long time to be able to say that and my A doesn't make me think less of myself. It just means others may think less of me. I don't believe in regrets and for me, it was not low self esteem that led me into a non traditional relationship with my AP. I would not wish upon myself a life where I had not met him or had the experiences I have shared with him, or learned what I know now about myself because of being in this situation. It has widened my horizens in terms of thought, action and understanding of life in general and that for me is a positive thing. I can however say all that because I don't subscribe to the ownership of people - or their feelings - just because we married them, but I respect some do.

You will read lots about 'affair fog'. I don't personally buy into it as the exclusive remit to an affair situation. I think an A is no more likely to produce 'fog' than any other relationship that has to exsist in extreme, difficult, turmultous or non traditional circumstances. All 'fog' is, is an inability to gain a clear perspective because of emotional overload and that can happen in ANY relationship ....and that includes marriage. Fog in that sense can makes any relationship feel euphoric or catestrophic!

I wish you the best ...as another poster, stated nothing anyone can say will discourage you from following the path you want to take and I would not wish too. It is your life to live, love and learn ....do it well and be true to who you are ;-)

Let us know how you get on since we are all INCREDIBLEY nosey here! LOL :-)

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
In reply to: nicnsavan
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 3:05pm

If I could relive my life again... if I could turn back time, I would have run as far away from xAP as possible. No, I would not have an A again. It brought me too much heartache. The few highs (mostly in the beginning) were NOT worth all the lows

Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
In reply to: nicnsavan
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 11:05pm

I don't have any regrets nor consider my affair a mistake. My lover and I are best friends and I would not change a thing. Then again we have true communication with one another, make the time for one another even thou we are in different states, and spend quality time together out and about, so we don't feel hidden. We make one another a priority, or as he says--I don't sit in the back seat.

Yes there are difficult moments, two passionate people in love who are not together in 'real world' can come with its own set of issues to deal with. But WE are worth it, so we take what we can get..our moments together are precious.

As far as highs and lows....I can only say when together we are Happy, when apart we are to some measure still content.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
In reply to: nicnsavan
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 3:39pm

Hi Bird,


I agree so much with your post to Nic. I wish I never entered this affair but do agree that because of it I have learned that I have so much soul searching and issues within myself that I need to look at and work on. This A has caused me so much conflict that yes I wouldn't wish to have these feeling ever again and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think it feels that much more intense for me because I do love my H, if I didn't love him anymore then I don't think the guilt would get to me as much.


I do want to continue being with H but now that I'm all caught up in AP and my feelings and emotions are involved I feel stuck. I know that eventually a decision has to be made because mentally, physically and emotionally I don't know how much longer I can continue this and not go insane.


The comment you made: I think an A is no more likely to produce 'fog' than any other relationship that has to exsist in extreme, difficult, turmultous or non traditional circumstances. All 'fog' is, is an inability to gain a clear perspective because of emotional overload and that can happen in ANY relationship ....and that includes marriage. Fog in that sense can makes any relationship feel euphoric or catestrophic!


I thought this very idea since I've been reading these forums. Heck you can be married to someone not have an affair and be in this FOG. People say that the A is fantasy but to what degree? Not all of them are lies just like relationships. You have a bit of everything and that's just life sometimes. Being in an affair is definitely not for the weak minded, it takes so much effort and energy to balance the two, so much so that I don't want to do it

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
In reply to: nicnsavan
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 4:41pm

Hi Nic,

Answer a couple of questions....Do you love your husband? Do you respect your husband? Are you angry at him for any reason? If you answered yes to any of these questions....STOP.... and think about it long and hard before you have and A.

I went into my A looking for a FWB only, and it was great! Until one day, it all crashed around me, when I realized I loved my AP. It made my marriage into a struggle, feelings I did have for my H disappeared, and I struggle to stay in my marriage. I do not regret my love for AP, nor meeting him, but my life is so much harder because I started an A.

There is something missing in your life, as there was in mine. I wish I had taken the time to look at myself, and take care of myself before adding more stress with an affair.

No one could have stopped me, once I decided to do the fling. But if I had asked for advice before I did. I might have had second thoughts.

Best of luck, I will support you no matter what you decide! Just make sure it is the best for you, your life. Not H and not AP..YOU!

Frisky

LIFE IS A ROLLER COASTER!!! When you hit curves hold on....when you go up hill be patient....when you go down fast....throw your hands up....scream, hold your breath.....and rush back to get in line again. Life keeps moving, so should you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: nicnsavan
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 7:11pm

Ahh Rayne ...it's so nice when alternative thinking is welcomed by someone if it helps a little then that's even better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2010
In reply to: nicnsavan
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 6:48pm

I can’t believe all the responses.