Its a two way street

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Its a two way street
12
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 7:32pm

So, after getting tired of him putting me on the back burner for the last few months, I made plans to go out with another guy. Partially to get some much needed attention, and partially to tell AP  F-you. Well I told him and he didnt take it well. He clammed up. Said its my choice and he can't say anything about it.  (I'm M, he is engaged and carries on with other women all of the time). But he was quiet. I reminded him that he said to me about a year ago that it would bother him to think of me with someone else. He said he didnt remember saying it and was he drinking? I said yes, thats the only way he's  going to open up to me. Now he won't take my calls, or respond to texts. I feel two ways....sick to my stomach that maybe after 4 years i"ve pushed him too far... and he's done.  The other thing I feel is that its about time he knows that I do have other options and he needs to think about the way he takes me for granted. Now what do I do? Let him sweat it out? Or cancel my other plans and let him know? I dont really want anything with the other guy. I dont think I could follow through anyway. I've been with AP way too long. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 04-11-2014 - 1:32pm

If he's engaged, and he's carrying on with other women all of the time, where else would you expect to be but on the back burner?  He's a busy man, and pity his fiancee!  It's hard for him to work all of  his favorites into his busy schedule.......so I would guess you're not one of his favorites this week.  When you settle for crumbs, you get crumbs.  You obviously don't have a problem finding a replacement, so maybe that's what you need to do.  Just like picking a husband, you don't take the first one that comes along (like the one you don't want to go out with now), but you search, and you find someone who's suited to YOUR way of life. 

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Fri, 04-11-2014 - 2:17pm
Thanks for the reply. You are so right in what you say. I've had many many weeks where I was not on top of his list. Well, turns out, I texted him last night that I cancelled my plans with other guy. He responded right away with " I don't give a sh*t. You don't owe me any explanations. Your not my wife. Your not my problem. Do what u want with whoever you want...I'm done". After texting back and forth for an hour or so, seems he feels that he has the "choice to not sleep with someone who wants to hang out with other guys." I tried explaining it wasn't what I wanted after all and that's why I cancelled. He didn't want to hear about it. Kept repeating I'm not his problem.Oh, and he finished up with this " it's women like you who make me appreciate what I have at home". Ironic considering he'll sleep with anyone who's breathing and his fiancée is clueless. So that's where we are now. He says he has no reason to stay. 4 years and that's what I get.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 04-11-2014 - 11:57pm

You have a real self esteem problem!  First you get mad at him for ignoring you, so you hook up with someone else, and make sure you tell him so that he gets jealous!  That backfired on you........he told you he really didn't care, not the response you were hoping for, for sure.  So, now, you grovel..........and tell him that you've cancelled the other date..........and he doesn't give a rats a$$!  I guess he has enough other women to keep him happy, and he doesn't need you.  This man sounds like the scum of the earth, yet you're begging him to take you back into his seraglio?  That shows a serious lack of pride, self esteem and judgement.  You really need some help with your life's path.  You have a husband......why not try to work things out with him, and if that's not possible. then get a divorce, and get a new and decent life for yourself.  You surely aren't happy with the life you're leading now!  This is what you got after 4 years, and you should be thankful that it wasn't 6, or 8 years of your life that you've wasted on a worthless man.

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sat, 04-12-2014 - 8:26am
Ouch!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 3:20pm

So fissatore's reply was pretty harsh. But what it says is right. He sounds like a right a******. How could he say that to you. I think you should go out with the new guy and even if you're not really interested you can always see how it goes. At least it might open your eyes. He has no reason to treat you like that and you shouldn't accept it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 3:21pm

Besides, if he sees other women who shouldn't you see other men?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 11:36am

I meant that as a wake-up call for you.  It wasn't meant to HURT you, it was meant to make you look at yourself, and your choices.  I was a woman who "took" that kind of treatment for years, not from an affair partner, but from my own husband.  I started studying psychology to try to understand myself, and eventually I realized that when you have no self esteem, you will accept being treated like garbage, and come back for more, over and over.  You have low self esteem, and he reinforces that in you.  He's taught you that you're lucky to have him, and should be grateful for the scraps he throws you.  I don't know what the problem in your marriage is, but possibly you get the same treatment at home.  What you need to do is to think about yourself, and realize that you are BETTER than this man, and you deserve to be loved and respected, starting with yourself.  If you don't love and respect yourself, then you will accept this kind of treatment from others, too.  It took me a lot of years to figure it out for myself.....and then I got a divorce, and have been happy ever since.  I am pleasant, happy, have many friends and a very active life, but I allow NO ONE to disrespect me.  People who are like that aren't allowed in my life.  Start loving yourself, and you won't need losers like that in your life.

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 2:47pm
Thank you. I see that you meant well. And you are right...my self esteem is in the toilet because of this man. He does treat me like I'm lucky to be in his life. What's so crazy is that i would never pick him in RL. He is not good enough for me. I know this...but i keep settling for crumbs. He did text me over the weekend, out of the blue. He wanted to share some exciting news about a tournament he had won. We only went back and forth a couple times, but it was awkward. I felt relieved, i guess, that he cared enough to want to share something exciting in his life. But then reality set back in quickly. No contact yesterday or this morning. I bit the bullet and texted him cause i've been confused. He was rude and short and distant. I keep wondering if he's manipulating me again...punishing me for looking at another guy. I wonder if he's trying to teach me a lesson, or if he really just doesn't give a sh** about me and was only caught up in the moment Saturday. I know i would be better off without this tourmoil in my life. I deserve to be treated better. Why do i keep letting this guy get the best of me? I know I've taught him how to treat me. I just dont know how to walk away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 2:55pm

So many of us have been there, because it's hard to let go sometimes it's easier just to carry on. However you did say you had another flirtation... would going on a date with him not at least be a self esteem boost? And also just nice to be out with someone who will treat you well? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 5:21pm

The affair drives you in ways you can hardly fathom. It grips you and takes you away from the present. Yet it makes you feel alive. The problem is you become so accustomed to the highs and lows that soon that becomes the norm, until you can accept the affair as nothing more then an escape and push it to the back burner you will live life on a roller coaster. He is showing you the real place you carry in his life. You hurt his pride. But let me guess all along he has been calling the shots and you let him, so you decided to give it back to him and he doesn't like your game. You will never get him to see your side. He already has a woman that owns a part of him, he doesn't want another. He wants the woman who thinks he walks on water, not the one that makes demands. 

Hold your head up high, fight to find you, be kind to yourself and remember you deserve more. Is he really worth your pain? 

I have lived your story and know how dismantling it can be. I would never listen to the others here. I had to fight through it on my own , just as you do. There will come a time when you accept that this isn't your path to happiness, when that time comes don't fight it, because you will find clarity and healing. The road is long and hard, but very much worth it.

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