I've fallen and I can't get up

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
I've fallen and I can't get up
7
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:24am
I just spent the last hour reading everything on this board. (slow work day :) First of all, I was elated in finding you all, and second, it does a heart good to know I am not as alone as I thought. I know there are many of us out there, but because we still fall under that "Taboo" category, little is said. This is a terrific way to unload and uplift.

Thanks goes out to whoever had the courage to start this discussion board.

I am smack dab in the middle of a very complicated affair that has survived 4.5 years with a break up that lasted 9 months in 2001. Why so complicated? Because we work together (I've been here for 15 years, 10 of them sitting on the sideline of desire), until my kids grew up. During those 10 years, I didn't date, have sex or even acknowledge that I had a body. My #1 goal was to raise my kids (single parent for 20 years).

We had so much in common that out attraction silently developed through common interests (we're both computer geeks),same age, and same aged children, and mutual respect for one another. I had NO idea that his marriage was a disaster until we started opening up to one another, but he is the kind of man who believes in marriage until death you do part...poor baby; (I got rid of 2 of them when I was still in my 20's). We are both managers...he's the business and I'm the office. Because of all of these extenuating connections, physical connection was probably inevitable, (but in check) until that one day in December, 2000, when we ravished one another without a second thought. It was BETTER than in the movies, and to this day, the passion is still intense.

BUT, and there always is a but; If I were to end this, I would have to walk away from my job too. That would cause 1 to many endings and I think it could destroy me. I could NEVER go through the pain I suffered the first time we tried to right our wrongs. I was the one who ended it and after 9 months of seeing him everyday, pining for his touch, and hating myself just as much for being righteous as I did for the affair, we started up again. Back and forth, up and down, in and out...you get the picture ;) BUT my friends, To be foreworned is to be forearmed; and that is, it never gets any easier....but it can get better, as long as you never rock the boat, get careless, or think badly of yourself.

Just remember, "We can not choose who we fall in love with" but we do have the choice not to participate once we have lost our footing. I was very ready to trip, stumble and fall. If anyone here needs a shoulder to lean on, please write to me. I've seen the good, the bad and the ugly and I am still in love. Who knew?? :)

**Terri**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:35am
Wow! Great post!! Today is my first day here too. It's great to "meet" you!

KC
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:37am
Love is such a hard thing to cope with. I think mainly because many people do not reall know what it is or how it feels for sure. We are bound to encounter many people in our lifetime and some just stay with us more then others. Contemplating my own affair, I keep thinking of the movie UNFAITHFUL starring Diane Lane adn Richard Gere. She meets a man who intrigues her so much and they have this affair. After their first sexual experience together she is crying and laughing and smiling and all this emotion is flowing out of her. It is beautiful and ugly all at the same time. Which emotion means more to us though... the happiness or the hurt.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:53am


I have been in this EMA for 7 months. I never wanted to assume anything and put pressure on either one of us. You said something at the end of your post about how it can endure if you don't rock the boat, get careless, or feel bad about yourself.

I am VERY carefull and cover my tracks very well, I don't feel bad about myself, but I woder about the rocking the boat bit. I mean this early and since we are so careful we don't see each other for a long enough amount of time to really talk about what would bother us or what we really want from this. So I constantly am concerned about rocking the boat. I believe from what he has said to me and done that he genuinely has feelings for me, but I also know he is a decision type of person. In other words his head rules and when he thinks he has a decision to make he makes it quickly and decisively. So if I "rocked the boat" I believe he would end it.

I need to talk to him about this but at the same time I like the way we are carefree and have a loving and happy time whenever we are together. I don't like our communication setup. He feels email texting and anything other than cell communication during business hours are too risky. I was ok with that until I came here and saw how people here communicate and do it often! I have to do the initiating all the time and it gets old. He has a demanding job and I understand, but he only calls if I hold off (and it kills me to do that) and don't call him. Then after a week maybe he calls! Did you ever go through this kind of thing? I know you work together, we work for the same co.but in different areas, so did that help seeing each other everyday? I don't know sometimes I am ready to just not call anymore and let the chips fall where they may. If he has such "deep feelings " for why doesn't he bother to chase me anymore. I think we have gotten into a zone where he knows he can count on me to call.

Sigh sorry I rambled not having a great morning

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 11:58am
Thanks KC. What a nice welcome. Looking forward to your story. Subade

**Terri**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:14pm
Dear Deedee,

Thank you for you response to my message. Yes, communication is probably the toughest obstacle in this type of relationship. I'm surprised that he is poopy about emails though. That is the easist way my lover and I relate outside of work. He is probably concerned that someone will be able to gain access to his email account, so i would suggest asking him to get another email address on a site that is reserved only for you; one that no one else would ever know about.

Weekends and Holidays are excruciatingly painful, at least in the beginning they were. I would think, "Couldn't he just make a quick call and say Merry Xmas?" He never did. As well as other holidays, etc. It used to tear my heart out, and many times I contemplated ended it just because of this. Over time tough, I learned to put myslef in his shoes. What if I had the husband and kids at home? It would be just TOO risky making any attempt in contacting my lover. This is all part of the "Don't rock the boat and the be careful." There are many sacrifices to face on a day in and day out basis, but this comes with the territory. You need guts of steel and a heart of "pure love and understanding" to keep it working. Good luck.

Subade

**Terri**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:18pm
Dear CM,

Cherish the "happiness" and bury the "hurt". Loving someone comes with all of these emotions no matter what kind of relationship it is. The more positive you are, the more room you will have in your heart for the good stuff. Pain subsides eventually.

**Terri**

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 12:28pm
subdade

Thank you for that. We did have a very nice email exchange Sunday night but DW was coming down the stairs and he had to quickly end it. When I mentioned to him Wed that I would send him a racey email, he said "that is a bit risky now isn't it?" At the time I hadn't thought about another email account. I got my yahoo account and I am going to tell him that I want better communication and if he got one we could do a better job of it. So I sent him an email from my yahoo account just to let him know of it. His email is sent out to more than one computer under his account so he has always been leery of us exchanging emails. All the same I made my email short and business like just so he didn't feel I was "rocking the boat"? He did however eliminate the other office and computer so now he just works off his computer at home (in his private office) Not that the oldest doesn't occasionally use it. He has Road Runner so I don't know if that is password protected email or not.

Anyway thanks for your experienced insight I found it helpful

deedee