Jeanie402....I need to talk to you....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Jeanie402....I need to talk to you....
2
Sun, 08-24-2003 - 11:04pm
Listen, I really feel your pain. Your OM is being really inconsiderate, and it hurts, I know. But listen: you HAVE to realize it is NOT you. If he treats you this way, he treats everyone this way, or will at some point. Guys like that - well, there is just something MISSING from them. You have to believe me. I don't have to know you to know that it is not you or your independence or his "nurturing" desire (puhleeze - how nurturing could someone like that be?).

About you being good at getting guys but not at keeping them: well, that may be true, but its not for the reason you think. See, MOST relationships end quickly. MOST dates don't turn into love and marriage. But I have a feeling that your one flaw is that you hang on for too long even after the guy starts to show that he is really jerky.

I hope you stop seeing this guy. He sounds very unkind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 12:05am
Thank you - I appreciate your honesty and I agree with you completely. When I actually think back to these guys that it didn't end up working out with, they were complete jerks and I don't know why I stuck around or am sticking around in this case. I don't know what else to say except you've really pinned me on this one and I need to get over this guy. I know I do.

The strange thing is that H is the sweetest, nicest guy I've ever met and yet I still go looking for a**holes. I've never given much thought to that before but your words really rang true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 11:36am
Well, at least you picked a decent husband, and you should be PROUD of that, regardless of whether you decide to remain in your marriage or not. From my own experience, I would venture to guess that you are now trying to work out your past dramas by "getting the jerky guy to be nice". Of course, if you think about it, you know that you can NEVER do that. Jerky people are jerky, regardless of who they are dealing with. My exMM was inconsiderate and undependable, and I know he is that way with EVERYONE in his life. The thing was, when we were together, I used to think that he was wonderful to his wife and only jerky with me. In reality, he was awful to his wife, just in different ways than he was with me. He was outwardly more dependable with her and outwardly more considerate, but in truth, he was deceitful and lied to her constantly and cheated on her throughout their marriage -now THAT's not very nice treatment is it? I used to say to myself, "Why did he commit to her, why did he love her, when he was so noncommittal with me and so unloving in so many ways to me?" The answer: he DID love her at one time, but she didn't love him that much, so she never really NOTICED what a jerk he was because she didn't really CARE what he did (or WHO he did...lol). He was noncommittal with her, but on the sly....he cheated on her and lied to her all the time.

Once I figured this out, and once I allowed myself to feel SAD that while he and I seemed to have so much potential the relationship was doomed due to his character, etc., I got over it. I pray that I would never ever ever allow someone to be undependable to me and inconsiderate to me...more than once or twice. After that, it's my OWN fault - my fault for sticking around for more abuse. I have sympathy for myself, but it is up to me to stop the damage.

I think the same thing applies to you. There ARE men who will light your fire AND who are nice to you. You just haven't found one yet. But if you are married, it is HIGHLY unlikely that you are going to find one because MOST decent men will not get involved with a married woman.

It's all in your power, Jeannie. You just didn't know it.