Just a comment on all of this 'crap'

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Just a comment on all of this 'crap'
18
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 5:58am
Hi All, It's been a couple months since I last posted. My A has been underway for five months. I'm M (long time) he's in a relationship w/ kids (both are in our 40's). Have any of you ever wondered why/how we allowed ourselves to allow this much pain into our lives??? Regardless of how miserable I was before A...this has created so much more 'crap' for me to deal with in my head than I EVER imagined!!! Wanting to be with him....can't wait to see him...guilt, guilt, guilt.....having an A's test....weak, weak...trying to let go and go back to previous life, but can't and don't want to.....crying, crying, crying...happy for short periods. How in the world does one find themselves in a situation like this with no end in sight!!!

We humans create more trouble for ourselves!!!! As if life isn't already hard enough!!

Not really looking for replies, just venting and wondering if I'm alone in this mindthought!! Take care.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 3:48pm
It originally started out as just fun, no feelings, no commitments, no expectations. But we soon knew are feelings were growing strong. We love each other so much and get along fantastic! His kids were 2 and 4 when this started, but for the last I'd say eight years we have been waiting til the were grown and then we will both leave our spouses, which makes it about 3-1/2 more yrs of waiting. Neither of us have anything going with our spouses and can't wait til we can leave. Two of my kids have since turned adults since this all began and my youngest will be 13 soon. But it has been tough since we work together also we have to make sure no one at work ever finds out or we would both be out on our butts. We do go out to eat, to the movies so I can't believe myself we have been able to keep it going with no one finding out. Holidays and vacations are the hardest to handle, him being with her.

I was I think 30 when this started, when he is finally free I will be 45! I know he's worth the wait, but will he still think I am in the end!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 5:58pm
I am crying hysterically as I read all the messages to this topic. I feel everything you guys are feelng. I have been in an A for about 10-11 months. I work with this guy (for 5 years) and we've always been friends. Got really "flirty" at the end of last year, and at our Christmas party we finally expressed our feelings for each other. I was M (now separated in my own place, 10 min from MM) and MM has 2 boys (7 and 3). In July we finally admitted that we were in love. We got so extremely close and I was a priority in his life, he did not want to try to make his marriage work (they've been having probs for a while). Well, recently, I thought I was pregnant and at the same time his wife asked him to go to counseling. I'm not pregnant, but now he wants to slow down-he says that means that I can't have an expectation that we can be fully committed to each other because of his boys (his oldest cries everytime they fight saying, "daddy please don't leave me.") I understand he's in a tough position, but we agree our relationship is complete and now that his wife wants to try to make it work he thinks he owes it to his kids. But I know we could be so happy together and I would loves his kids as well. I am 31, he is 36.

I think that we don't plan our lives, it plans us. I want to give you all a big hug!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 6:24pm
Wow! Everything is basically the same, except that I'm in a LDEMA & single. We've been keeping it up as such. He has 2 elementary age little ones, who I love and adore. We try to see each other every few months. Try to! Otherwise, it's lots of emails & lots of phone calls.

I know we both try our best and I know he loves me, but it's just so hard to be away from him.

The thing I think about is I'll be in my late 40's ( I'm 39 now) by the time we'll get together. And like you I think "will he still want me"? Right now, we are pretty strong & he's going to be giving me a ring so I can wear and know that we ARE TOGETHER and he really trys to be there for me as much as he can.

The only negative thing I can see is the waiting. That is a lloongg time to wait and as much as I love and adore him I don't know if I can do it.

We had known each for a long while before we got together and I know for sure if we were to ever break it off he still would be in my life. So either way he is there.

Cyber, I just don't know if I can do so many years like that. I've done it for 3 already and they've been beautiful, but yet, very difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 6:28pm
I wonder if any of the women out there ever tried role reversal - where she was the one that said to her MM..."maybe or can see you Tues. nite or maybe Wed. nite if I'm not busy".

I've never really tried it, but I'd love for him to have to wait to see me for a change. Although things are great between us, I can't really picture him "waiting" for my call.

Can you tell, I'm in my usual Sun. nite mood...he's home with his family all day and nite...UGH!

I love him completely with no complaints (most of the time) other than my seeing him is usually based on what his kids have going on, what his wife has planned, what his work is requiring of him, what his friends are doing!

Now his planning his hunting trips, his family vacation,plus the whole family is taking off end of next week to go visit colleges for his daughter. And last but not least, the holidays are around the corner haunting me. I hate this time of year!

Seeing a MM is like having a life where 3/4 of it belongs to someone else!

WOW, I haven't vented like that in a long time...I feel better now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 6:45pm
If you really love him and he loves you (and it sounds like he does), hang in there..it is tough, really tough, but what keeps me going is knowing I have so much to look forward to with him..the best is yet to come! My MM is a wonderful man and worth every minute I wait but yes, I've had my share of heartache thru it, but he has given me sooo much that my H never could. My H puts me down, my MM compliments me and treats me great. I vented in a post earlier about hating the waiting to see him game but I know he does his best to balance all his time and still makes time for me.

Hang in there, if he treats you well...it's worth the wait!

best wishes,

your_cyber_pal

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 8:09pm
My response is for me, and me alone, obviously -

I have been blessed in recent years with the ability to look at myself honestly - what my real motives are, etc. So I can say with some confidence that part of the reason I'm involved in my A is the fact that I love chaos. There has always been an irrational side to me that enjoys the drama and instability in life, and quite frankly I'm more comfortable that way. Thankfully, that's no longer the case for me in most aspects of my life, but that little defect of mine has definitely reared its ugly head in this situation! I also have to admit to myself that part of me likes the "challenges" created by this A. Can I get MM to admit that he loves me (yes, so then it's...Can I get MM to say he'd leave his W for me - even though I don't really *want* him to do that!! and so on. It's the thrill of the hunt, on a very basic level.)

Mainly, though, I continue my involvement with MM because it's easier and it's more enjoyable than the alternative. The "alternative" is without a doubt the "right" thing for each of us to do, for many reasons, but neither of us is willing to give up what we share right now. We bring much to each other's lives, and those few moments of absolute joy and satisfaction are worth those nights of wondering what he and his W are doing, etc. When they *stop* being worth it, we'll end it.

You're not alone sweetie!!

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 8:41pm
I think the hardest thing is the wait. I look at another woman in my job who met her MM there. They had this five year plan going on. In five years they were supposed to be married. Well, she got a D from her H, and he only seperated from his W. They moved in together, and in te beginning of June of this year, she finally kicked him out. He made no move to leave W. Used the kids as an excuse. My MM and I have been together almost as long as they had, and we told each other that we would make no promises from day one. We talk to each other when things don't seem right. Sure we have arguements, but the good times outweigh the bad times. I want him to be with me, but I know it won't be possible until our kids are pretty much grown up. I believe that he's worth the wait, and if he continues to love me the way he does, I can see things eventually working.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 5:00am
The "alternative" is without a doubt the "right" thing for each of us to do, for many reasons, but neither of us is willing to give up what we share right now. We bring much to each other's lives, and those few moments of absolute joy and satisfaction are worth those nights of wondering what he and his W are doing, etc. When they *stop* being worth it, we'll end it.


WOW.. how true this feels. AND it is for this very reason that the A continues.

BUT my problem at the moment is much like my MM's. How do you get over the guilt you feel towards the spouse of the other. MM is feeling so much guilt about 'taking' parts of me away from marriage, and I feel the same for DW? He then pushes me away, asking to forget me a little, and then in the next instance pulling me back.

As for a FULL life together, this doesn't seem probable, even if and when the kids will be older; the cards are against us, not to mention the statistics as on an earlier topic. I have learned to listen to Sweetc69 and a few many around here. I enjoy what I have, stop worrying about the future, as nothing can be seen. Taking it day by day, hoping that it will not end, as it does feel right. We try to not talk about the romantic part of it, because this brings only pain. We know our feelings for the other, the perfect soul mate, they will never change.

BUT this guilt that I feel, knowing that we are both only human, having fallen into this rollercoaster, almost making us both feel less dignified because we both are in an A something we never would have imagined possible, as we both love our spouses (not totally unhappy marriages), but not the same way, HOW DO YOU SURVIVE THIS??? This major cloud of guilt.. I know I survive it because of how good I feel when I am with him, but sometimes, I know he is hurting because it goes against ethics, and how he does love his DW.

Does no one else feel this? STUPID QUESTION!! I would love to run off into that sunset forever hand in hand it would be so nice, so loving, so ...., but I am not sure in the end, that we could ever out-run all of the guilt, especially when we would have to face the eyes of the family not to mention the kids. So here we stay, chained to reality somehow.

How can something that feels so right be so wrong? AND yet, is it wrong when it is exactly what is right. HATE THE ROLLERCOASTER, Love the MM, Love my DH and my kids, Love his DW and Kids.. no solutions are there? ONE DAY AT A TIME, waiting to feel his presence again! Killing me softly, with his song?.. know this one ladies and gents? How true sometimes!

Thanks for reading, I am so glad everyone posts here, gives us all a little force when we need it!!! Take care, and hugs to you all..

Mitzy

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