just found out my bf is bi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2009
just found out my bf is bi
6
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 7:56pm

My bf and I have been together for

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Sat, 01-03-2009 - 11:14pm

Wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 2:30am

Wow, that's heavy. Personally if I found out that my man was Bi, the Bi part wouldn't bother me. It's the fact that I am not equipped w/ the proper equipment that he wants, and that that might make him stray. I know you can buy toys and stuff, but I ask you, how long is a rubber dong going to keep you satisfied?

I think that he is kirking out on you about what you have found because he is ashamed. You are going to have to tread really carefully w/ him on this topic. You know how insecure a lot of men get just when a gay guy walks past them. They feel like you can't be gay, and a real man at the same time. I totally disagree.

Do you really love this guy, and want to make this work, or could you let go and let him go after a life that is closer to what he really wants? I mean I am not saying that he doesn't love or want you, I'm just saying this is a major issue.

If the answer is that you love him, and you want to make it work then you have a lot of work ahead of you.

Your first and MOST important issue to tackle is communication. You have to find a way to make him understand that there is NOTHING that he can't tell you, and mean it. If he feels like your going to judge him, or get mad it will never work. He has to feel in his heart that you except him unconditionally. Anything less, and your wasting his and your time.

Second, your going to have to turn into a major freak if you're not already. I mean a freak for real. Luckily for you, I am the resident freak for the board (self appointed of course lol.) You need to search your heart and find your boundaries. If something in particle bothers you or your not comfortable doing it, then you need to lay that down and tell him "We are not going there." But I caution you, too many of those, and your going to loose him. But I still say that you shouldn't do anything that crosses one of your major boundaries.

The Bisexual life style is different from the average hetro sex life. You are going to have to become comfortable w/ strap on's. rim jobs, and possibly roll play. I am in a hetro R and I am down w/ all that stuff, but that doesn't mean that you have to be.

I think that the first step is to find out where your R stands now, and whether both of you want to continue this R. If you find that you do, then a major talk is in order. Find out just what he likes and wants. Encourage him to be honest, and be very careful not to laugh or judge. It's a lot of work, but if you love him, and want this R to continue then you better get busy.

I wish you the best of luck.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 3:12pm

I am a fairly open-minded person, so what I have to say isn't coming from a place of being a prude or anything. I also have known quite a few gay men in my time. Hands down, all of them (and myself) believe that bisexuality is just a layover on the way to Gaytown for men. For women it's different, for whatever reason. Women can have lesbian experiences and not truly desire women over men. But most men I have known that claimed to be bi eventually came all of the way out of the closet. I think the ones that are truly bisexual are very few and far between.

Chances are your man HAS been with a guy before and DID love it, as he claimed on the website. And chances are that if he truly hasn't hooked up with anyone he met online yet, if he hadn't been discovered, he probably would have. I know this isn't really what you want to hear, but I would remiss if I didn't say it. The one thing you truly have to understand is that it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! You didn't cause this desire in him, can't control this desire in him and can't cure this desire in him. It is completely out of your hands. The best you can do is to be loving and kind, encourage him to be completely honest, and make a decision about what you want. Personally, if my man wanted to be with men, I wouldn't want to be with him, most likely. I wouldn't hate him or anything, I just wouldn't have a desire for him. But that's just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 5:39am
I have to agree w/ Silly about Bi guys being gay in the end. I guess they figure they will break it to friends and family gently. a little at a time, as apposed to the shock they may feel finding out that he is in fact fully gay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 1:58pm

Hi Isabelly17,

I was cruising the boards, saw your post and was compelled to respond. I must respectfully disagree with the other posters that being Bi is on the way to being gay. There are many men who enjoy anal sex or sex with other men and still relish a relationship with women.

I must admit that you two have a conundrum of issues going on in your relationship and biggest of which is honesty. If you are still on the fence about your relationship I would suggest that you both go for relationship counseling to help both of you resolve the issues and come to a common understanding on what will be acceptible and permissible in the relationship. Then you can determine if you are comfortable with him being bicurious, or if you would want to incorporate that in your relationship of bail. If you would like to explore discussions from any of these perspectives I would invite you to visit the Sex Taboo board. I'm hoping that everything works out favorably for you.

nb


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 2:44pm
I appreciate what the previous poster had to say, but respectfully still disagree. I DO think that SOME men are truly bi. But, as I said before, they are way more few and far between. I have just known too many people that have been through this to not think it. Could your guy be one of the ones that truly is bi? Sure. Only time will tell. The problem here is not really about him, though. I mean, it's now established that he wants to have sex with dudes. Can't argue or ignore that. The problem is whether you can live with that. Firstly, can you be comfortable with him going outside of the relationship, period, and secondly, can you be comfortable with him going outside of the relationship and having sex with men? I, myself, probably couldn't. I just wouldn't feel comfortable. But that's just me.