just getting started
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 11-29-2008 - 9:42pm |
I'm new here - I've only been reading the boards for a few weeks. I'm so grateful that these boards exist, though, because I have no one to talk to - especially because no one would understand like all of you do.
I've been married for 6 years, and I've been with my H for 13 years. He is a wonderful person and would do anything for me - my friends are all jealous because he is so good to me. I've always felt so lucky to have him, and our relationship has always been the strongest of all of my friends'. He is truly my best friend. That's why I don't understand what I've gotten myself into and why. How could I do this?
About 6 months ago, I started IMing a MM I work with. It started off work-related, but then we talked about other things.I found him attractive, but nothing special - and we have nothing at all in common. He is not the kind of person I normally would even want to be friends with, but for some inexplicable reason, I felt a connection with him. We started talking more and more, and over the course of the last 6 months, I started to obsess about him. I fantasized about sleeping with him, and I wanted to talk to him all the time. I became very attracted to him, but confused because I didn't know where these feelings were coming from.
We had drinks with other people from work a few times, and definitely flirted. He also told me that he had recently slept with a couple of other women. I wasn't sure how he felt about me, but I found myself hoping that he found me attractive, wanting him to find me sexy.
Our IMs started to get more flirtatious, then beyond that. They got pretty explicit, and when my H went out of town for work, I told AP, kind of hinting that I wanted him to "visit" me. He didn't. I was disappointed and upset, but relieved in a way. I could not figure out why I was doing this or why it upset me so much. I think it made me feel unattractive and unwanted, like I had made a fool of myself.
That Monday, AP told me that he knew what it was like to cheat, and he didn't want to be the reason I ruined my marriage. He said that he kind of regretted it, though. Over the next few weeks, he started to open up to me about his M, and he told me that he was leaving his W. One day he IMd me to tell me that he moved out of his house. I was surprised he actually did it, and I offered to buy him a drink because he was feeling bad about it.
That night, I got pretty drunk and we were sitting in his car chatting... he was not going to do anything to cross the line, especially because I was drunk, but I kissed him. It was amazing. Incredible. We were all over each other, and it felt so exciting... but I stopped. I had to go home and it was already late - I would not be able to explain it away if something happened right then. He said "We can finish this later..." and that just excited me so much...
Our IMs became even more intense. He told me that he did not want to stop and wished we hadn't. I told him the same. A week later, I made an excuse to my H, and AP and I met up after work. Neither of us knew what to do or where to go. I think we were both nervous. We decided to get a couple of drinks, but when we pulled into the parking lot of the bar and parked the car, he immediately turned to me and started kissing me. Within minutes, I was on his lap, taking off my sweater, kissing his neck, feeling crazy and wonderful and exhilarated.
We were so frantic, ripping (some of) our clothes off, just desperate to feel each other. I remember being shocked at how well-endowed he is. I'd never encountered someone so large. It was actually a little bit painful, but wonderfully so. The car got so hot... we were dripping sweat on each other, feeling everywhere at once. We didn't take the time to take off all our clothes - he didn't even remove my thong - just pushed it to one side to get to me. It was amazing. I'm sweating a little right now just thinking about it!
We got in the passenger seat and put the seat down. He turned me over and I was on my knees... it was the craziest, most intense sex I've ever had. I felt the sweat dripping off of his face onto my back... I can't forget that feeling. He "finished" (and so did I), but minutes later he was "ready" again. I performed OS on him, and he went crazy. It was amazing.
The next day, he kept IMing me, saying there was so much more he wanted to do to me. I felt so excited, and I don't understand why I don't feel more guilt about it. I love my H, and I do not want to end my M. At this point, though, AP and I have been together 2 more times, and every time is more intense and amazing. I do not love him, I do not want a relationship with him - yet I find myself wanting to talk to him on the weekends, even if it is just to tell him the things I want to do to him in bed. It is purely sexual, but my thoughts at this point are obsessive. I can't concentrate on work, I find myself "zoning out" during conversations, and I am losing interest in sex with H because it cannot compare to AP.
I don't think AP has feelings for me either. I think it is just sex for him too, but he is very kind to me and respectful of my feelings and how I want this "relationship" to progress. He doesn't push me to do anything and lets me be in control... except in bed, where he totally calls the shots, and I love it. I feel totally sexy and alive like I haven't in years - if ever.
I don't know why I am sabotaging my M. There is no reason for it. I even told AP last week that I can't do this anymore because I can't let this happen to my marriage, but even as I said it, I knew I wouldn't follow through. AP was understanding about it and said he will do whatever I want, but I feel at this point that I am addicted to the sex. We've only had a handful of encounters, but it was so amazing that I'm not ready to stop. I can't understand myself or my actions.
I have been thinking of AP all weekend and "taking care of myself." I can't stop. I've never been this sex-obsessed. I don't know what's happening. I don't want to ruin my M, but I don't think I can stop at this point. I don't know how this will end, but I know this can't be good - there is no way for it to end well, but it is too late to turn back now. And even as I write this, I am thinking about being with AP, how amazing he feels, how he satisfies me over and over again, how sex with him is the most incredible thing in my life right now.
Sorry this post is so long. I have no one to talk to about this, and I know that all of you understand. I'm so conflicted and confused. I just don't know what will happen.
Edited 11/29/2008 9:47 pm ET by gettingcaughtup

OK Sweetie we get that you're excited, but for real, that was TMI. We are all (well most) aware what sex in A can be like. Please, no more play by plays. Thank you.
Having said that, you hit the nail on the head when you said "I know this can't be good - there is no way for it to end well," You are heading down a long and rough road. A's can be brutal. Imagine how high you feel when you think of him or are w/ him, and multiply that by 10, and that's how low you can feel in an A. I have had several relationships in life, and NEVER have I felt the extreme behaviors that come w/ being in an A.
EVERYBODY says that their feelings will not get involved, and yet they ALWAYS do. It's inevitable. It happens to just about everybody. That is when chit gets tough. I am straining right now to articulate to you what your doing to yourself, and your H who is innocent in all this. You are risking everything, and everyone that you love. It's not worth it.
You said that you have a great H, and he is good to you. Girl, HEAR ME NOW! STOP!! There are not that many good men out there. You are blessed enough to have one, don't throw him away for something so fleeting.
I know that you will probably continue to see this guy, because most of us do, and you are already showing the signs of being addicted. But, tread carefully. Use caution when dealing w/ the feelings of others. Try the shoe on the other foot thing, and let me know how that feels. Those are SOME of the things I regret the most about my past A. Hurting my H, my kids, and Ap's W. I was truly a selfish person. I wanted what I wanted, and unfortunately I got what I asked for. Along w/ so much more, and SO much less, but yet I lost so much in the deal. Now, I just feel like a used up fool. I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy.