just had baby and affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
just had baby and affair
6
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 9:53am
I've been having an affair for about a year and a half with someone I work with. I just had a baby and we're still not really sure who the father is. I love my husband but I love this man as well. He means the world to me and I would love to raise my family with him. I feel really bad leaving my husband and I don't know what to do. I don't want to take his family away from him. Our marriage has been stale for a long time and he really wants to try and fix it. I don't know if it's fixable if I"m in love with someone else. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 10:42am
Wow, yeah that messy! If I were in your shoes I would have the DNA testing done on OM and baby, but not say anything to your H until you knew if it was his or OM's. Once you know who's it is you can you sit down and decide for yourself who you want to be with. Personally I would never tell my H because I do love him so much and could never hurt him. So I'd be living the lie and continuing the A. But the ball is in your court, just make sure you listen to your heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 10:55am
Believe it or not but my H knows. He knew about the OM for almost this whole time and he still wants to work on our M. The OM wants me to leave my H to marry him and to raise the baby even if it's not his. He's even told me that if the baby is his he's willing to let my H see him if I leave. This has been a mess for the longest time. Both want me to be with them and both want the raise the baby with me no matter who the father is. My H would like the OM to be out of our life if the baby does turn out to be his. Like I said a big mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 11:14am
so basically it comes down to who you want to spend the rest of your life with. I know that you are worried about hurting your H but who in your heart do you want to spend the rest of your life with? Oh and Would they consider continuing to share you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 11:54am
They don't want to share. I don't drive so the only time I get with OM is during work hours and anytime that I can talk one of my friends to drop me off and pick me up. OM wants this to be over with this week. He wants to just come and get me and the baby. I need to tell my H that I'm leaving and I just don't know if I can. I don't even really know if it's the right thing to do. I know that OM and I have a great relationship now but what will happen to it if we're living together with a baby? I'm worried about a whole bunch of stuff and he just seems to think that we're so perfect together that nothing will get in our way of being a happy family. I think H will get in the way because he doesn't want to let go of what we have which he seems to think is great but I feel that it's gone stale so long ago.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 2:05pm
Lill,

I have been reading your posts and just wanted to comment. Is it possible for you to just seperate from H and try and work things out for you. What do you want and what is best for you and your baby? It seems that you are being pulled in both directions (by OM and H) and they are not even asking what you want. You have to think of yourself first and worry about OM and H later. Do you even know what you want to do right now? I'm thinking that maybe if you had time to figure it out on your own without the influence of H or OM you would come to some conclusions on who you want to be with and who you want to help raise your baby. Can you get some counseling, because maybe a third party could help you work thru your feelings and find what it is you want? Remember that first and foremost your concerns should lie with being a good mom and taking care of your baby and yourself, the men will survive with whatever you decide but they can't push you.

Just think about some of these things and remember we are here for support in whatever you decide. Remember that this IS YOUR DECISION. Good luck and keep us posted. DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 3:23pm
thank you for your comment. I had thought about being on my own to figure things out but I really have no where to go and I don't get paid enough to even try. I had thought of everything and I still come to a point where I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes I feel like I do and sometimes I feel so stessed out that I can't even think. When I got pg I thought that one of them would back out. I thought my H would because before I got pg I had just come back to him after moving in with OM for a month. Then when he found out that right after coming back to him I was with OM again I thought that he wasn't going to have anything to do with it anymore. OM really wanted the baby to be his so I knew he wouldn't back out. The A has been on and off (off for only days at a time) for over a year. By the time I had the baby I thought that I'd stay with the marriage and try to work things out because it was the right thing to do but the longer I was away from OM the more I missed him and more I thought of him. I talked with him all the time and I didn't even hide it from H. I've been back to work for a week and a half and we're already going back to his place for "lunch". In fact I told my H that I'm going out with friends tonight so I can be with OM. We'll meet up with everyone after. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what's best for the baby. I know that no matter what he'll have a father that loves him and maybe even 2. I just want him to be happy and I think he'll be happy if I'm happy but I don't know what would make me happy cause I've never really had a chance to think about my happiness.