Just an Illusion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Just an Illusion?
10
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 3:50pm
It's been a little while since my last post. Big thanks to everyone that responded. As you may or may not recall, last time I posted, I was considering telling MM how I felt about him. A lot of things have happened since then, and I've decided to hold off to get a better read on where he's coming from. I thought about it alot and realized that yes, the only reason I would want to share my feelings with him is to hear that he felt the same, but I don't think I'm prepared for the worst, so I've held off and decided to let it take its course and see where this thing goes.

I moved into my new apartment last weekend, and MM has been over twice since and both visits have been so nice. He tried to come over a few other times, but I had other things going on. He's out of town right now and I'm missing him a bunch. I'm not going to stop seeing him, but I can't help thinking of what will happen down the road. We've never talked about his intentions and what he wants out of this relationship. In fact, he rarely talks about his relationship with his W. We kind of started to talk about it the other day and he said something that I wish I had dug into further when he said it. We talked about how long it's been (6 or 7 months) since we first got together and I asked if she appears to know what's going on. He jokingly said he's not doing anything wrong and that it's all an *illusion*! I was shocked by that and didn't really know how to respond. I asked him if he would protect my identity if we were to ever get caught and he said he'd deny it until the end, unless there were fire and electricity involved. :)

I'm so bothered by the whole *illusion* comment. I wish I had dug into it further, but I just let it go at the time. He didn't want to talk about it. What the hell does that mean?! Does it mean that he just doesn't want to be honest with himself and come to terms with what's going on between us? Does it mean that he's just having fun and doesn't want to deal with the seriousness of it all? I don't get it. I'm not going to probe because I just want to enjoy the time that I have with him -- but it bothers me. I don't want what he have together to be considered an illusion, but I also don't want it to end.

What to do.... What to do.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 4:09pm
hi sher. did you leave your M? has he said he would leave his M??

from his comment i would say he feels like the EMA/A with you is his fantasy/escape from reality (his M), thus the "illusion" comment.

unless you both have discussed being together in the future, he's staying in his M and using the time with you as an escape. i don't mean to be harsh here. i really don't know your story, but most of the MM i know, including my own, are using the EMA/A as an escape/fantasy played out from their Ws and Ms. after all, we give them the best of both worlds, no responsibilities, bill-paying, chores to do, only relaxation, sex, conversation and fun (most of the time anyway!).

relax, as long as you're both on the same page in the R, enjoy the time with him.

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 4:45pm
Hi Gurl. Thanks for the advice. :) He's never said he'd leave his M and I think I'm okay with that. As for me, I'm single, so it makes this thing even harder. I've done really well thus far to keep my emotions in check, but lately I've been wanting to just let go. Our relationship is pretty much just FWB and I know it will never be more, but my mind has been wandering lately and thinking about the "what ifs." I can't stop thinking about him and it's driving me crazy! I hold so much back and keep my guard up, but I just want to let go!

I'll take your advice and just relax and enjoy the ride :)

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 5:02pm
Illusion, hmmm, maybe he was saying its a fantasy. I know mine did, I so was angry with him that I wanted to smack his face. LOL I think you are better off asking him what he meant by it before you go any further, because it can go either way!
Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 5:20pm
Hi Sher-I was glad to see your post--I had been wondering what decision you had made concerning "the talk" and what had happened, especially since I am in a somewhat similar place, and the time is coming soon when some kind of talking is going to have to happen, at least for me! I am older than you, and we are both M. Our EMA is only about two months old. Neither one of us wants to leave our current relationships. We have a hard time finding somewhere to meet, and there is a time factor too as we are both so busy. Until last week we were involved in a project together that enabled us to see each other (not alone) 4 - 5 times a week, so that we could talk face-to-face, at least, and we managed to be alone about every two weeks. That's over now and it's back to seeing him once a week at a meeting. We don't talk on the phone or e-mail in between times, unless it is really for business. He is paranoid about getting caught (with good reason)--so worried, in fact, that I don't worry at all, if that makes any sense. I am now wondering about many things: Does he want to continue this relationship? If so, what are his thoughts about how we are going to do that? How do I communicate with him so that he is comfortable with it? Etc., etc. I am so envious of you and your apartment!!!! Anyway, we still have a couple of functions this month that we are both involved with and I don't want to talk to him before they are over, in case I don't like the answers I get! Oh, I really don't want this to end yet, but I just can't read his mind, and I don't know what else to do....

Enough about me, the "illusion" remark would bother me too, feeling about MM as you do. If you can't put it aside you're going to have to ask him, but as you've already said, not until you're ready to hear the "worst" possible answer. Keep us posted! I sympathize--JB
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 6:40pm
I know where you're coming from. Being the single one makes it tuff at times. I would probably ask. I can't just let things go, at least not for long. But that's me. It might bring a good answer or it could bring something you don't want to hear from it all. I would want to know good or bad, that's just me. Not knowing bothers me too much. I guess you could bring it up in a way as to not make a big deal of it. If you found out that it was just something to distract him from his m, would you want to stick around? I'd have to take a hike. I don't want to be the ow forever. I can deal with it for awhile, but not forever. Goodluck! Jdreamer
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 7:02pm
It means nothing. It is just a "funny" thing that he said. But what is bothering you so much is that you don't like the idea of it being just an illusion. THAT is what you need to explore further, and not with him...with YOU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 8:52am
Sher - you said >>He jokingly said he's not doing anything wrong and that it's all an *illusion*!<<

Is there any way he was referring to his marriage being an illusion? Some people seem to feel that way...you know, appearing to have a happy marriage on the outside..to eveyone else, but really the marriage is dead on the inside.

That would explain him saying he was doing nothing wrong.

I don't know the whole context of the conversation of course, but just a thought.

Nitro

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 9:06am
Or did it occur to you that perhaps that was what he was planning to say to his wife? That what she's suspecting is "just an illusion, a figment of her imagination"...if she were to ask him if he's involved with someone else...there's may ways you could interpret that comment but I suggest you either let it go or ask him for an explanation because it's eating at you and that's not healthy...

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 10:18am
hey sher -- sorry i didn't answer yesterday. i leave work at 4:45 and that's where i post.

i can understand why your mind starts to wander. you're single and probably not dating since your MM doesn't want you to, but you really have to live your own life. get out and be social. i feel that once you start taking control back for you and your life, your MM will either come to terms with it and the A will end, or he may go the other way and realize you are his future. regardless, YOU have to fill your life with meaning -- good friends, social occasions, career, etc.

remember honey -- you only have this life and you have to live it your way!

take care,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:47pm
Thanks for the replies :) You all are soooo great! I am letting it go for now, but next time he says something like that, I'm going to ask for more explanation right then so it doesn't get at me later. I can see that I'm reading way too much into things and I know if I just ask, I'll get answers -- even if it's not what I want to hear.

I agree gurlfriend that it's up to me to make my life meaningful. I think I do a pretty good job of doing my own thing and having an active social life outside of my MM. I'm so greatful to have great friends and a good career and I'm sure these are the only things that keep me sane! But, I haven't wanted to date anyone for awhile. When we first started seeing each other, I did date, but haven't lately. I think maybe because I'm getting settled into my new place and work has been a little nuts lately...or maybe it's just because he's really the only man I want to see right now! Who the heck knows why! I know this won't last forever, but I just have to keep reminding myself to enjoy the good times while they last. Maybe the whole thing is just an illusion to him...and hopefully it's everything he imagined and more ;)

Aside from an occassional comment here and there that I have trouble interpreting, everything is great! He's out of town until Thursday and I'm missing him like crazy! But, I'm doing my best to stay busy in the meantime. I can't wait until he gets back. Last week when he went out of town, he went from the airport directly to work and then to my place :) I'm hoping this week he does the same.

Thanks again for your responses :) It really helps to get other's perspectives on things.